Reading...

These are just a few of the books I'm in the Middle of. My goal is to read one a week...well to finish one a week. I'm working on "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" right now. It's an easy read. I enjoy the complexity of the characters and I'm a fan of any book where the setting is the silent and most interesting character. The only problem I have with the book is its length. I read slow and page number intimidate me. Wish me luck. After that I'll be re-reading one of my all time favorite books "Fight Club", and who knows from there.

Feel free to leave book suggestions. I'm always looking to spend money on book.








Feel free to leave book suggestions. I'm always looking to spend money on book. And if you've read (Or if your reading) any of the titles I'm reading now and want to talk about it don't be a stranger. I love good book talk.

Guess Who's Back???

Maybe it was me who said twitter would kill the blog, I lied. You should know by known that I don’t know what I’m talking about half of the time. 140 characters is cool for a quick vent, a bad joke, or a “Where they do that at?” I needed to come back here because I was starting to live my life in 140 characters, trying to get to that next hilarious/insightful/bullshit update. I needed to come back here because there’s more privacy. People who follow me on twitter probably wouldn’t care about this small space I’ve carved out for myself here. Even thought I’ve abandoned it. I can admit that. I’ve thought about starting another blog on another server, making a blog that was more twitter friendly. It’s not necessary. This place is fine. So I’m back. For a little while at least, hopefully a little smarter than I was the last time.

Twitter Killed my blog

I almost forgot about my little corner of the universe. Blame Twitter. I've been good though. I started school again so I feel like I have some sort of focus/direction. I've been writing more which is also good. I started a new blog just for writing. Its not that good but you should check it out. its...

http://kyairewriteswhatever.tumblr.com/


go there give me feedback. Its appreciated. the good and the bad

Do Some Ho Shit!

I'm wired off my 3rd extra tall glass of iced tea and watching Paul Mooney laughing my ass off trying not to wake everyone else in the house. There is no real reason for this post except I wanted to show this youtube clip...



I've been in a laughing mood all damn day.


Without Permission,


KD

Its June and I'm fucking great!!!

My birthday has come and gone and the idea of 23 is a reality I am more than ready for. I realized that my depressed like state was self induced around my own twisted view of success and social status. For a 23 year old to work part time at a restaurant while trying to finish his under grad degree is a fate that very few are lucky enough to experience. While this road has had its share of set backs it is the one that’s best for me. I see people that I graduated high school with who have babies, and husbands, and mortgages and live in this world that is still so foreign to me. And to be completely honest I still don’t believe I’m ready to. I like my life. I can say that today without a hint of sarcasm. Of course there are things that could be better but that will always be the case. But I’m happy. Because honestly…How many people really get the chance to take a year off school and throw themselves into the work world for 4 months then another 4 months just reading and writing and trying to perfect their craft. Through all my depressed “I wish it would change” rants I missed how fortunate I was. Really, when I start school again in August (and I’m still not sure whether I’m going to fully re-enroll or go part time), I’ll be ready to do WORK!!!
I’m also waiting to hear back from AAA-Mid Atlantic, I interviewed with them last Monday and I feel really good about it. I am hoping to have good news to share with you before the weekend.

I make no apologies for the place I come from, the road that carried me or the place I currently live.- Bassey Ikpi

Making lemonade out of oranges,
KD

I'll stick with House and Vampires

House is one of the greatsest medical shows on TV (next to Nip/Tuck). How dare Showtime produce this second rate shitfest they call Nurse Jackie. I tried watching the premier episode 3 times and it still hasn't done anything for it. It will FAIL. They should just bring back the United States of Tara and make me happy.



In other television news...



True Blood premiers on June 14th!!! My Sunday night have been salvaged. Please and Thank You!

Nervous

I'm naturally a nervous person. If you ask me to speak in public I break out in a sweat, my eyes wander, I tug at my mustache, and I rock back and forth on my feet. This also happens when I'm the new guy, or I'm confronted and not prepared to fight back, or anytime I'm in the club and not slightly tipsy. It’s really sad. My friends all laugh at me because of it. Even when I’m being nervous, I still think I'm actually quite cool, or cooler than the other people I'm around. Maybe I'm not, but I always know when I'm acting really nervous because I get really judgmental, even more than normal.

I notice myself being really nervous at my new job. I'm always on edge. The people that I work with just bother my soul. I can't relax and stop the tugging at my mustache and sweating and eye wandering because I don't trust these people. They are all drug addicts or whores to some degree. I just don't get it. I know I'm far but perfect but any time I can stand in a room and be the most pious person in it...CALL THE POLICE! If you follow me on twitter you know first hand some of the bullshit I hear on a regular basis.

The moral of this story is...I need a new job and I need to learn how to fucking relax in public with out a little liquor stinging my throat.

GODDAMINT IT I WANNA BE FREE!!!

My 23rd birthday is 18 days away. Normally I wouldn't waist time counting down because, my birthday only seems important to me. A good majority of my closest friends and family always forget and if it weren't for facebook than I doubt anyone else would remember. For this reason I've never really made a big deal out of my birthday. Maybe, my laid back approach to my birthday could be partly the reason no one remembers, but if we were really cool you should want to remember something as important to me as my birthday, without me jamming it down your throat. Right?

Well, this year I'm going celebrate even if I have to do it all by myself(I hope I don't). 22 was not the best year for me and I doubt that it will magical become amazing now that we are in the home stretch, so I'm just looking forward to 23 and when June 12 rolls around I will be ready to party!!!! Everyone is invited to my party. No guest list. No dress code. All you need is a willingness to be Free. Because that's want I want for my birthday "GODDAMNIT! I WANNA BE FREE" (stolen from the Kings of Comedy, but I don't know which part).

Don't you wanna get free with me?,

KD

A Simple Yes or No Will Do...

I just hate that when I ask for a simple favor that I need to divulge my every step for the last 3 months. If I ask you for something and you don't feel comfortable doing it fine. That's your business. That doesn't mean I won't be upset, clearly I asked you because I thought you had the means to come through. It's not like I come run around begging for things ALL THE TIME. I personally hate asking for favors, I'd much rather do it all by myself, but I am only human and I CANNOT, but as soon as I figure out how, I will grant you an invitation to kiss the darkest part of my ass (that's not a nice thing to think when you need help. I'm working on it, Maybe).

Seriously. I just don't believe that any one person should know every thing about you.Why do people feel entitled to you entire life story? Is it not enough that you know me now (family included)? If you knew what I had for breakfast this morning would it change the fact that I went to work and had a shitty day. And if I did have a shitty day and I just wanted to go out and take my mind off of it and you didn't know about it would it change the fact that we had fuck loads of fun. NO!,It wouldn't. If I come to you and I want to talk about (insert noun) than that's all I want to talk about. Anything that happens before or after our conversation about (noun) is irrelevant, unless it had to do with (noun). Lets try sticking to the facts and living in the present...

Which means if I ask you for a favor that has nothing to do with me going back to school, credit card debt, or my commitment issues don't bring it up. That way when I refuse to answer your stupid ass questions you can't get mad at me for "not telling the whole story, because the story is...I need help and I swallowed my pride and asked you for help. I was praying that you would say yes but preparing for a no. You beating around the bush or just being extra nosey just discouraged me for asking anyone else for help just so *this* scenario doesn't repeat.

Yes, you are invited to the party that is my life, but you do not have access to every floor. It's not personal, it's logical. If I let everyone roam free all over the place there is a bigger chance that something will get ruined and I am left to suffer the consequences. And have you ever tried to clean in a room full of people...Pretty fucking impossible.

To shave or not to shave.

I've never wanted to work in a restaurant, not as a waiter, nor as a cook, but times are hard and I gotta make it do what its gonna do. I don't know how long this is going to last because the first thing they asked me to do was shave my facial hair.

I haven't been completely naked in the face since I got my mustache in the 8th grade. That's a lie. I did about a year ago for my interview to get into the education program at my school. Either way, I don't like it. I feel all exposed. I feel like I'm about to be black guy number 5 in the line up on Law and Order...Real pedophileish.It sucks.

I'm damn near embarrased to leave the house. I feel like Samson. I need my scruff to face outrageous mutha fuckas in these streets.

...but that money is calling me, so I shaved that shit. I feel naked and young all in the face. My poor poor face.

Scruff McGruff,


K

When random becomes predictable

Repeating the same tired quote and/or expression 50 million times will not make it true. I could tell you I'm an astronaut until I'm blue in the face and the closest I'll get to space will be reruns of Star Trek. So, for the sake of the people who love you...GIVE IT UP!!! It's not true now and it won't be later. You are far to stiff to be spontaneous. And much to dependent on other people do thing that make you truly (adjective).


You're Welcome,

KD

Halle Berryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Halle Berry

I know I'm not the only one who thought she didn't have any rhythm.

Preview Chrisette Michele's new CD Epiphany before it hits stores on May 5th.

Enjoy!

When Life Gives You Lemons

...make barbecue sauce???

Mother nature must have been getting dicked down right because the weather this weekend was so nice, so so nice. It was so nice that I just had to stay outside all day. I was just outside for no reason, just watching cars pass by. The weather had me feeling so good I decided to spark up the grill...on my own. Before I knew it the grill was full of every type of meat we had in the house...and right before I went to rub it down with barbecue sauce, I realized that there was none. Not a single drop in the entire house...



I was pissed...but thank (insert religious figure here), I'm quick on my feet. I decided that there was no need to run to the store, because I was going to make my own BBQ Sauce. Ambitious as shit. I know. I did Google it, but the recipes I found had to many ingredients that we didn't have. Poverty and Laziness breeds genius. I said fuck it, I started grabbing condiments and spices from the cabinets and them them all in a sauce pan.






It took almost an half an hours worth of tweaking but finally I had something that resembles BBQ Sauce. Don't ask me how much of what I used because I don't know. I just sprinkled shit in there until it didn't taste like Ketchup, Soy Sauce, and brown sugar soup.


THE END RESULT....



It didn't taste half bad. I won't be waiting on a contact from Food Network anytime soon, but yeah.


mother nature got that good good (that's what I heard),

KD

You'se A Nappy Headed Ho!!!!!!!

Read the screen capture below....Please wait to be offended until you read the entire picture. Or not.






What's so offensive about "nappy headed ho"? Someone please tell me! Is that really a racist thing to say in 2009?? Is that the most offensive thing a white persons can say? My mother who doesn't curse AT ALL even calls people nappy headed ho's. The shit is funny.

I guess this is because they had that funeral for the word Nigger/Nigga.

Maybe it's cause he's white.

Guess that means my white people smell like wet dog joke will get my blog boycotted...


Is there a politically correct way to say it...

Kinky haired African-Americas

Bald headed Negros

Brillo pad head jiggaboos


Maybe it's me...

I think it was a bitch move to apologize. Call a nappy headed ho, a ho! End of story.


FUCK IT,

KD

I get hype as shit whenever I hear this song.

Peep me 5 seconds ago jumping around my room like I was in the club (something that never happens).

Too bad DMX is crazy forreal now.


Opps,


KD

Thank You For Being A Friend

RIP Bea Arthur

My little cousin rocks and my aunt is super agressive!

My 8 year old cousin is now playing Little League Baseball[Instructional]. I promised him, that I would go to as many of his games as I could to show support, because I know how it feels to have extracurricular activities, and have no support. I'm also going because his dad never will, and in a sea of white faces, its nice to know that the only other brown person there is not your mother and a male. I know very little about baseball, I know common sense stuff. I can talk to the coach and not sound completely retarded. My aunt on the other hand is a fucking sports junkie, all my aunts for that matter. She just throws out jargon that surpasses my 5th grade baseball education. It's cool for her. Except she's that extra aggressive side line mom type (You'll see later). I missed the first game because I had a double ear infection, which sucked, but I made it to his second game, and the kid is pretty dope. He runs funny, has zero attention span in the out field, but he swing at pitches like life depends on it.

I took pictures and videos just because my camera batteries were charged for the first time in months and to share with the world because I'm really proud of the little monster.

I'm just gonna suggest you turn your speakers down before you watch this. Like I said my aunt is super loud and aggressive, but I love her, and her enthusiasm for her little brown boy.

More Whining

I try my best not to get wrapped up in my own feelings. When good things happen to other people, I try to be genuinely happy for them. There is nothing worse then sharing good news with someone and having them dampen the mood with their own gloominess. It happens, we’re only human.

I find that sometimes, being happy for other person is the hardest thing to do. Especially, when our own lives haven't unfolded the way we wanted, planned or hoped for. The most natural reaction [for me] in situations like that is to lash out and try to suck the life out of everyone else happiness. I've done it. And I'm good at it. Not right, I know, but I’m honest, and I’m working on it.

I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the graduation period for the longest time. I knew it was going to fuck with me, and I told myself that I would be bigger than my emotions, more mature than my need to have my life a particular way. Well…Life is a whore, an unfair whore at that. It should be me, with all the work, all the stress, all the never having enough grants or loans…ughhh….I don’t even want to go down that road again. I really can’t believe that I’m not preparing for my senior seminar and buying caps and gowns and all that. And while I’m stuck in limbo, my friends are, THERE!...prepping for finals and post under grad life, and I do wish them the best and hope that they do well…but… me being me, I want to remind them of everything that they SUCK AT! Not right, I know, but I’m honest, and I’m working on it.

To stop myself from letting my little hater take over and ruin friendships, I’ve deactivated my facebook, and it will remain that way until June or a later date. I couldn’t take all the pre-graduation preparation status updates. Seriously, when did everybody magically become a college senior? I clearly missed that memo, and it will be quite a while before I catch up. I can’t beat em’ and I can’t ignore em’, so I’ll ignore it.

But the weather is nice. I’m not totally broke. And I’m alive!

Live and let go,

KD

Watch you hop like a dumb ass...

I'm starting to realize that individuality is all relative. I can admit that I've pilfered a slang word or two maybe a few fashion tips that aren't the most popular around my neck of the woods, but I've never stolen and rocked them as my own, I make habit to cite my sources. Word to Dr. Kirby. And sometimes its easy just to pick up someone elses habits because your around them for extended periods of time. Habits yes...entire personalities and ways of life no!

It was mildly attractive before with you sharing all these idea and insightful antidote's about a life that you haven't lived. Maybe you forgot that I know you better than most. You scare me sometime with your willingness to mold and change yourself for the comfort of others who are insignificant in your life. I guess anything is better that being lonely. LIES!!!! You wonder why you life is messy and broken...because you refuse to be authentic. It makes we wonder what you would sell your soul for? and if I didn't care for you I wouldn't waist my time. Even though telling you that your perfect just the way you are is a waist of breath...I keep the faith.

I've learned the hard way that pretending to be something your not is the quickest way to amplify the qualities you try to cover up... If I see your flaws than surely they do. They laugh and mock you because now I'm starting to and I should feel ashamed but you refuse to betransparent even for a little while. I promise if you do that it will speak volumes. It's easier for people to look past the cracks when your not trying to cover them.


But I can't save your soul...

I can only wait.


Still waiting...


KD

Do yourself a favor....

Get into Chester French. They've been playing them on MTV for the past two weeks during the commercial break/ end credit shorts. I only payed attention to them at first because they had black girls in the videos. Sue me. Then one of my friends mentioned they had a decent mixtape. I just downloaded it a few night ago and it's not bad at all. The concept of the mt is pretty dope and it's an easy listen from start to finish which is rare for a new artist.

You can down load it free... here. Give it a try.

On a ledge,

KD

Spring Pick Ups

Now that I'm employed again I can start to slip back into bad habits...aka spending money I don't have. The bag is not for everyday use, its merely inspiration for me to travel.

My New Addiction

Here Comes Peter Cotton Tail...OOOHHH and Jesus

Easter or Resurrection Sunday has to be one of my least favorite holidays, besides Groundhogs day. It's all glitz and glamor and pretending to be happy, and egg hunts, and pastel covered candies. Its gross.

Luckily this year my family is at odds (Its partially because I don't like a majority of them and now subsequently they don't care for me either.) and have decided to have 3 smaller separate family meals instead of one giant one with left overs for weeks.

I really don't care for Holiday dinners anymore. The person that would/could make me excited to attend a holiday function that didn't serve alcohol would be Paula Deen...

I love this woman. The other day I was watching her show and she deep fried a snickers bar, and all I could think was... "This woman is going to hell with a bacon fat thong on."I would let her be my white grandma! Then I would seriously have the sugars (Diabetes)....Wait, I don't have the sugars...working on my fitness twice a day some days but mostly just one.



Is it time for Idol yet,

KD

BlackBerry Writings...

Just because my phone is off doesn't stop me from carrying it around everywhere I go, it's my crutch and I'm proud to lean on it. Anyway I'm sharing just a few of the notes that Have been in here for ages.

1.

No matter what you say, I already know. I know. I know. I know. Your lips can purr a lie sweet enough to suck the bitterness away from a lemon, but I won't believe you, I've learned my lesson. This time will be different. Fool me once it's just a shame. Fool me twice, and hell, I'm a fool.

Ain't that the nature of boys and girls, to always try and one up each other, to keep the playing field all types of uneven, for one side to try and hog all the goods. Struggling to find out which side knows the other best... when in reality we know nothing, despite all our differences; differences meaning penis and vaginas aren't we all just blood, water, and melanin...

2.

I find clarity in the most unfamiliar places. Today it is in a small cafe lodged between a sporting good store and TJ Maxx. The walls are cover with about 40 large scale dogs portraits. Dogs staring at an open fridge. Dogs reading books. Dogs and toilet paper. Dogs with cats. Dogs with trumpets. Dogs, dogs, dogs. I bet this cafe is owned by a middle aged white woman who has a husband that is to involved with his work to pay her any attention and has children who have long abandoned her and her need to mother to band aide their scrapped knees.

Here in this cafe' I can fit the world in my hands, while casually sipping my cream of broccoli soup. There is something so other worldly about being alone in a place where not a single face looks familiar. I could be the writer I believe myself to be scribble notes for my next article. Or I could be the black guy who ordered the soup, because it was the cheapest thing on the menu, who wants to finish reading The Joy Luck Club. It's truly voyeuristic, for me to watch the people coming in and out of the cafe placing orders, scrambling for exact change, end phone calls, and hundreds of other task that one does to push the day along just a bit faster.

From my corner, I can give them a name. I can tell their story, for the seconds that they are in my eyesight they can take on a dual persona, like the ladies to the left of me, at the oval table, with the matching red tinted hair. They look like 3rd grade school teachers, along with their red hair they have heart shaped pale faces and smiles that could warm the heart of any child that comes within 5 feet of them. They are discussing husbands and problem children over chi tea and blueberry muffins.

At the next table over, there is a mother and her two daughters that are having lunch while passing along a fourth girl, a toddler, with the pink floral printed dress, who refuses to keep still or quiet. They pretend to ignore the rest of the patrons including myself,who keep looking at the screaming child who has more than likely never been spanked in her life. Four opened handed swats right across her bum, because that's not considered child abuse.

Then there is the brown girl at the counter with the perfectly crafted French braid with red yarn weaved down the center, that keeps making eye contact with me. I take this as a means of flirting. I can assure her I'm not, my interest in her is simply because she is the only other brown face I've come in contact with in the last hour. She is a pleasant reminder that that my own skin is grand and made of things the world has yet to give a name to, but her constant staring is starting to bother me. If her reasons for starting at me are the same as mine then we quickly have to find common ground to rest on, or she will just fade into the background of my lunch time story telling.

3.

The clouds were of overcast thick, sticky, and full of disaster. The wind ever so chilly tried to coddle the the clouds into letting the sun come out just for a little while, just long enough to kiss the budding flowers goodnight one last time. It was a wasted effort, clouds will do what they want. They will mold them selves into into unicorns or fall low enough to hug ever curve of the earth.

4.

When the sky has cleared every cloud for miles, and the moon has painted my front steps in its glow, I will dance for you. I will bend the branches of the dogwood tree outside my bedroom window. I will expel my voice into the wind, and beg you to acknowledge my presence. I will put on the most glorious performance for you. I will dance until you return to me sweet heartbreak.

5.

I've waited a life time for a night like this, a night so clear I could French kiss the stars, and make love to my shadow. A night like tonight where there is nothing to fear except day light. A night when beauty refuses to rest and dances along rooftops, wanting nothing more than a familiar face to say hello and join her as she dances. I will dance with her, while I wait for you heartbreak.

6.

She was only wise enough to know him fill of contradictions and dreams
her arms so bruised with time
loves lost
loves forgotten
that she could only hold him from a distance.

But when he was close to her enough
she would inhale deeply and rest her head on his chest
she would listen to it beat with two uneasy rhythms
one for the words already spoken
the other for the words that were guarded by the tongue
that had seen one to many lovers leave amidst his chaos.

She only wanted to sooth him
long enough to kiss him.
Entangle him fingers and prayers
to quiet his heart just for a second
to see that her's was strong to enough free
and secure him
FEARLESS!



Comments welcomed,

KD

It's this house.

There is something about this house that is choking the shit out of me. I've been trying to stay away from it as much as possible but it seems like when I'm trapped inside these walls something is creeping up inside my and trying to kill me, and I wish I was exaggerating, even with an open window I still can't catch the steadiness of breath.When I'm not in this house and I'm writing ideas shoot from my finger tips like that's what I should be doing because that's what I should be doing. I've written things that for the first time I'm not afraid to share because they won't meet some gold start writing standard that no one set for me, and what I wrote is great. It's full of me and peppered with all the people and experiences I've had in this life so far.

Even on simple walks the world just becomes a much clearer place, like today, while I was walking home from work in the rain, I realized how stubborn I am, how easily I will quit anything that doesn't instantly satisfy me, how much that has held me back. I have quit literally everything I've ever started...basketball,baseball,skating, dance, Spanish club,band, chorus, the list can go on for days. I haven't quit writing though. The results aren't what I expect them to be but its the only thing that I don't really hold accountable, writing's just it for me, and whatever it is, it has stopped happening in this house.

Maybe we've out grown each other, me and the house. Maybe all that was meant to be loved and lived here has happened and its time for me to move on. And this is not me being crazy, this is me removing myself from the situation and truly realizing the truth. It's even caused me to almost hate my mother, and I do love and appreciate all that she's done for me but when we are in this house together I could throw her down a flight of steps and then walk past her and not even offer her an ounce of sympathy. It's just that bad, and there have been times when we have had it out and never have I felt as much resentment for her as I do now, but I know that it's not her...its this fucking house.

Right now, I wish I had a sledge hammer to push through windows and doors because I want to write this and the words aren't coming the way that I want them to and I feel the walls and the floors mocking me. Mocking me to the point where I would set this house ablaze and smile.

I need to get away. Away from this house, away from Delaware, away from any and everything that feels natural or normal or right. But where? And with what? I have nothing but a laptop, a disconnected blackberry, a wardrobe that is a whole year late, and most importantly no money. If I think about how much money I've made in my short life and how much I would have if I just saved $25 from every pay check. I'd have a half way decent saving so I could just get up tomorrow morning and move.

It's that time now were future planning is more important than ever. Shit, I'll be 25 in 2 years. 2 fucking years. I don't want to get there and still be planning. Even if I don't want to plan I want to be in a position where I can just move where the wind and the opportunity takes me.

But it's becoming too difficult to write even when I'm get getting stuff off my chest. This house is not my friend, and no I am not crazy. I feel this and wouldn't tell you if I didn't believe it to be the 100% God's honest truth.


Craving out a piece of history,

KD

Hello World...

Didn't I tell you that spring is the shit...

Ok...I know we've only had like 3 warm days but I swear I feel like new person. I'm almost kinda sorta gainfully employed, but a round of applause for almost!!!!

Look how not cynical spring has made me!!!!! You should get some in your system.

I'm so hyped by spring I went for a 3 mile walk in my Chucks. Not a good idea. Chucks are not walking shoes. They are running around errand I wanna be cool and casual shoes. I have two big as blisters on my feet. You won't ever see them. These feet are horrible. I'm working on a transplant. Anyone want to be a donor? No Really???

And...I have a bone to pick with television! Why is it that when I'm ready to bust out of this cave and start living television wants to put on a bunch of fuckery that they know I'm going to watch. This is not fair. And with my working...I'm starting to rethink this whole active member of society thing. I mean as much as I hate it I was kinda getting use to reading and doing nothing all day.


Not really! kinda but really not really.


Speaking of television...I have a new favorite show...




Nothing makes me feel better about life than watching crazy white people. No racist. I mean...its true though. Not saying that black people don't have mental illness but you won't see any of them on TV. I haven't even seen a crack head on intervention and I know 6 of them. It's just stuff we don't talk about. Black people are missing out on the lucrativeness of mental illness. I mean I self-diagnosed myself with depression years ago. I would go on WebMD and find more mental illness I might have but WebMD always gives me cancer and I don't have time to start looking for lumps. Though I don't think I would mind having DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I would love to black out and have someone else run the parts of my life to stressful to deal with. I'm good with the clean up anyway. I would have 4 alters.

The first one would be Al. Al would know shit about sports, and cars, and would spit and scratch his balls,because I never scratch my balls in public or in private for that matter. Al is also really laid back. Then their would be Kyle. Kyle is uber conservative and a real life black republican. Then...Arturo...the artsy, vegan, sandal wearing, sensitive, hippie, tree huger. Then, last but not least there would be Mark...Mark is all impulse, no sense of direction, no right, no wrong, just is.


Someone get me my own show. or a book deal. Something anything...I'm not picky...Not that picky.

It's so damn nice outside.


No mirror's in my mama's house,


KD

It's Sunday. I have no money. I am the first step past broke. My phone is about to get cut off for the first time in 4 years. Poor. I need a job. Even with my lack of funds I still find money for booze. And no I don't have a problem.Stop looking at me like that. I only drink on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. See. Real drunks drink every day.

It's times like these I wish I got high so I can sit back and play a song and just FLOAT...




If I was a radio that would have been a great ass intro for that song.

Yeah.

I'm also giving up on the whole relationship thing at this point. I just can't find someone who doesn't irk the shit out of me. at the same time I can't stop wanting someone around to get on my nerves.

Like This....





twitty milk,


KD

Ramble: It's 5:10.

I should have been sleep hours ago. I should have went to bed right after MTV decided that they wouldn't replay The City at 11. I don't know what happened. I'm afraid to go to sleep now because I have phone calls to make first thing in the morning and I know that I will sleep until I can't sleep anymore. All this wouldn't be happening if I had stability in my life. It seems that no matter where I step there is quick sand and I am sinking fast. I'm holding on to what little I have left with every fiber in me and its getting repetitive to feel this way and to write it down but I have no other choice. If I hold it it will choke me. I just want a change. The weather has been so nice the past few days and spring always brings forth new beginnings. I'm hoping that something will grow from the dead that is my life right now. The 22nd year will soon be over. June cannot get here fast enough for me. 23. Something new. Something stable. Something tangible. Something worth my breath.

If I said it once I've said it a thousand times. This thing that's going on inside me right now is not living, and I would trade places with a million people not to be here right now. And I know the grass isn't always greener, but the color doesn't concern me.


Tired of complaining but I don't know what else to do,


KD

Every time I visit my blog I always forget what I'm doing and end up listening to my entire playlist. I know I just came to look at my new comments and that was a half hour ago.


Damn I have good taste,

KD

Something To Think About...

I've become a huge book store groupie over the past 5 months. I could spend hours in a books store just looking and skimming through all the books that I would like to read. Anyway, I came across these two blog postings that talk about black literature and how its marketed in books stores. The first post Desegregate Our Bookstores and the second White Readers Meet Black Authors: What is a "black" novel?.

Its funny, because the book store that I like to go to is really small, and they have an Black books section. Its a semi circle and it sits right in the front of the store. The outside of the circle are mostly black non-fiction and books by more established black authors. Then the inside is jam packed with hood novels (and I'm not sure if that's the right thing to call them but, whatever.) And it never occurred to me that the books were being segregated, I feel bad for not noticing. Because in this section they cram books so many books under the label black. And most of these books never make it out of this section unless its by a mistake or considered an American classic. Its even the case with the anthologies. If I want to pick up one on American Literature Post-Civil War I would go to that section of the store but in that same section I won't find an Anthology of literature from the Harlem Renaissance, I have to go to the black section and it would be sandwich between a Barack Obama book and the autobiography of Dr. Ben Carson.

WOW! Things that blow your mind. It happens at the library as well. I know the books are arranged by the Dewey decimal system but all the black books at my local library have a special little sticker along the spine that let's you know that this just isn't any book. Its a black book. Which does one of two things, it welcomes your to pick it up, or urges you to find something less ethnic.


I just brought books the other day too. I picked up 5 new books and spent $60. I know. Baller Right. I got:

A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown (Shout out to my wifey Clever Vixen)
Gentle Man Jigger by Richard Bruce Nugent
The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan
The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros


See, I'm diversifying my reading. Black man. Black woman. Asian woman. Hispanic woman. Yeah


Food for thought,

KD

Getting There...

Some days I just don’t care and I don’t want to understand the world or its motives. I just want to be. Its just being is much harder than it looks. It’s hard to escape the world when you don’t have enough money to go frolic on the moon. I don’t have enough money to do anything and the money I did have I spent it on books. Now Sallie Mae and her fat ass are hounding me because they like to ship cheap labor over to India where people speak English but don’t really understand it, and now I have to pay fees for something that wasn’t explained clearly to me and the only explanation you can offer is “now you know”. I hope you die Sallie Mae. I do. I wish bombs and computer viruses on all your software.

I’m being backed into a corner right now. A corner filled with all the others things that I put off. Procrastination is becoming less cute by the day, but it worked well when things were always moving and not stuck here. My life has become so dull even surfing the internet is boring. Where is my catalyst? Where is my “this is what you should have been doing all along”? Where is school? Where am I? Who am I? Underneath this cluttered existence I fake as a life, where did I go wrong? How can I get to a place where me and destiny agree, and my struggle with religion and reality can eat at the same table? Will it ever be possible for me to stop questioning myself long enough just to breathe? I just want something that I can pull out of the sky and call my own, a something that no one can take from me at any moment an call it something else. I can’t even call myself my own because I’m afraid that whatever it is that’s hiding inside me will be beaten and tossed to the side. I’m not ready for that yet, but I dream of the day where my feet can stand on the ground no matter how shaky and accept that life is about breaking and being rebuilt. I want to consider committing suicide just for the free therapy, just for a few moments to be honest with someone other than this keyboard and my heart that’s always heavy with things I wish it didn’t know.

Maybe today’s not that day. Tomorrow either, but whatever this is hasn’t killed me yet, so I’m assuming it will get better before death really does come.

Brief Updates

I finally got the money from my former slum boss. I'm so glad that I never have to think about those people ever again in LIFE!!!!!And I would say something mean right now but I have money to pay bills and books and booze!

Other than that life has been pretty dry. I've been trying to utilize this time to really find out about myself, and I've learned nothing new.

Well, I did learn that I'm not the relationship type. I just can't do the mushy mushy lovey dove thing. Like last week I met someone and exchanged numbers and numerous text messages and everything was cool. Then we decided to take things to the next level and have a phone conversation and plan a real first date. It only took 2 phone calls before I was ready to delete this person from my phone forever. Are their rules for like potential boo's? Like some guideline for some shit you should just not say to a person that you don't know any well. That was a serious question. I'm mean I can be a tad judgmental but I do try and demonstrate a wee bit of tact.

Let me explain the situation. So me and the former potential new boo were on the phone sharing a casual conversation about high school and the type of people we where. For once I held no punches, I was honest and didn't try to cover up things that I did and or said.In high school I wasn't the nicest person. I was painfully insecure; I was good at talking shit and pointing out peoples flaws. Of course the potential boo made themselves out to be a complete social butterfly and saint. Whatever, like I said I've done that in the past. No harm. No foul. I just feel like I'm at the point in my "dating life" where I don't want to hold back. I'm already weary of any type of relationships with restrictions, but if I was going to enter into one that I would do it honestly. Right. So then the former potential new boo proceeds to pick apart my social life based on this one piece of shared information and tires to typecast me as this over evolved version of my high school self. I was fucking offended!

1. You could have actually taken the time to get to know me on a more personal level.
2. Even if you did feel that way you could have kept it to yourself. Trust me I have my reservations about the person you might be, and I could spill them all right now. BUT I WON'T. I COULD BUT WON'T.
3. WHO THE SHIT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???

Enough about that because I feel compelled to send angry and immature text messages or make anonymous phone calls at 6 in the morning.

My mom is going through "the change" and I guess its heightened her sense of smell and now she's always spraying the house or lighting a candle and complains that everything smells. Even the grocery store smelled like rotten meat to her. As soon as she's old enough I'm putting her in a home. Not really, but maybe. I just pray that this whole menopause thing is over quick.

I need to go to happy hour. I need a fucking drink.

And this is random. I'm really considering switching my phone service to T-mobile. Their blackberry plans are cheaper and they have the new blackberry curve that I want. I will get it as soon as I get a job, that will be my first big purchase.

One more random thing. Who is the person in charge of making Jazmine Sullivan videos. Why do they keep getting worse? Why?

Just look at this one...



Cheap! Cheap! Cheap! This makes me want to go into video directing.


Their Eyes Were Watching American Idol,

KD

And before I forget...

I finally got another dog. Although its not the want I wanted it was free and its a dog all the same. She's a mutt. She's part Pomeranian and part Yorkie and I named her Zuri Neale Hurston, Zuri for short. I wanted to name her Bijou but that doesn't seem to be a popular dog name, so kinda naming her after a literary giant is a close second.

Now the dog is cute and we get along fine, but this little bitch (I can say that because she's a girl dog) refuses to piss outside. I take her outside once almost every hour and she will not pee but as soon as no one is watching she'll cop a damn squat. I promise you she's only got 2 weeks before potty training is over and I give her ass away.






I also have to give a shot out to my old pets,

My Goldfish- Uncle Jessie
My Turtle- Race Car

My first real pet and my best friend, my dog Gabriel "Gabe"...I miss you!!! (and if you laugh at that fuck you! I loved my dog!




pissy ass dog,

KD

Quote of the Year....

Did I ever tell you that I love Whitney Port. I really do. I do understand that its Black History Month and all but if you made me choose between Whitney and Halle...well, Whitney wins hands down.





I was watching The City and on the phone with my kinda not really but maybe boo, when Whitney dropped what I would call the single greatest line in Reality Television History...

This entire conversation is making me nauseous!!!

That's some ill, straight up G shit to say. What???

Note that I will be dropping that in my next argument right before I A. Walk out of the room or B. Hang up the phone.

Long live Queen Port,

KD

Jazmine did it for me

Damn it!!!! THAT GIRL CAN SANG! The video at the bottom is my own. Yes!!! Just a testament to the great seating that we had.

I really needed Saturday night, it was the first time in a while that I was just able to relax and cut loose. I saw a real live fist fight that I didn't get to record :( . I got to hang with 3 of my true friends, you know the ones you may not see or talk to everyday but you see them things just fall into place. I was really excited because this was the first time any of my friends from NC mixed with my back home crowd and it wasn't awkward. And I found out the biggest nerd I knew is a huge cock slut. I don't know why that's important but it just blows my mind, to think 5 years ago I thought they would never get laid. My my how the world turns.

I know this part is lame too, but I just have to add it in...going out with my friends made me miss school so much. I don't know if it was the dinner conversation or just being on a college campus but damn!...I miss school. I really really do. I just know that after this I'm going to be a huge advocate for Education. I just don't want to see anyone else dreams placed on hold based on factors that are completely out of their control.

I also want to give a big shot out to my momma for being named Lay Person of the Year. I had to go to this huge banquet in this horrible blue polynyloncottonsilkrayonrednyenumber 7 suit, but it was a good time, and I love my momma very much...even if she does have horrible taste in suits.



Dream Big like Jazmine says,

KD

We've Got To Do Better...

What is the reason for this??

We have so much further to go...every time we take one step forward...two step backs.


shaking my head,


KD

Concert Withdrawl.

I haven't been to a concert or poetry reading in a good long time. The last concert I went to was Chrisette Michele and Raheem Devaughn in June. I had plans to see Jill and Erykah for FREE in August, but I got super busy and I was broke. I still haven't recovered from that one. But my luck is about to change thanks to my two my favorite people in the entire world. I'm going to see Jazmine Sullivan on Saturday night!






I was worried for a second because my mom is getting some church award on Saturday as well, but it's earlier in the afternoon. I'm glad no one made me choose. Hahaha! But seriously, I'm glad.

Amen! I cannot wait. I really need this in my life.

I hope there are drink involved.

Shout out to Soph and Jas, my friends since forever.


All will be mended with music and booze,

KD

Imma tell you how it ti...is

There is nothing that I love more than a dirty joke. I never knew that Aunt Esther did stand up. I wonder if she got royalties from Monique and them for their show...










It had to be you...you old cock sucker,

KD