Eulogy To Friendship

I wrote this because of a situation that occurred on Christmas night between me and the person I consider my closest friend in the world. Though ,the motives behind the situation are not clear, I am sure they will present themselves when the time is right. This is just how I feel about the it at this point in time. Just me expressing my hurt, frustration, and mostly disappointment in friendship. I’m not exactly sure how this will play out, but as of right now these are my feelings.

And of all the things I thought I would out grow in my life, I’d never dreamed you’d be one of them. All that people grow apart and friendships don’t last forever shit never applied to us. You were the ying to my yang. You were aggressive when I was passive. And I level headed when you smelled blood. Look at us now. Our friendship or what’s left of it. Lost in 30 seconds of dead air space. A moment seemed insignificant. Was it that serious? Were your feelings that hurt? Was I that shut off and emotionally unavailable? Give me one good reason WHY? Just one. For 7 years you were as constant as breathing. And most of my dearest memories somewhere have your voice attached. I listened to you cry and laugh and sing (badly) and yell frustrations. You knew my struggle far to well as I knew yours. No judgments passed. Just understanding amidst confusion. You were there. You listened. Cared. And now, I really don’t know how to feel. I needed to vent. And I had no one to call. So I’ll leave my hurt and disappointment here. Let this be the final resting place for our friendship. It maybe for the best. Who’s to say? I’m left with out support. And I hear my mother say “You should never put all your eggs in one basket.” How it applies to all of life. Never consider forever past what the eye can see. Sometimes forever is just a moment lost. Reminiscent of déjà vu. Familiar. And it would be dishonest of me to not to say that the most hidden part of me wishes that somewhere these scrambled thoughts flow through your spirit. And senses are reached with a synchronized forgiveness. But if wishes don’t come true, then at least let me say thank you. For everything. No regrets held. Only replay happier times. And pray for us many more. The end.

My Sentiments Exactly

I’m rarely believed. I rarely snap so when I do, it’s assumed I meant every barbed wire and rusted can word. I bottle these things to avoid the hurt they cause but sooner or later, these powder kegs and coke bottles erupt. I could slit your throat with the right arrangement of sentences. It’s not something I’m proud of. I wish I could learn to control it better. I wish when I cut others, I didn’t spend most of the night, hunched over and bleeding in return. I’m just not good at this feeling thing. - Bassey Ikpi

What you wear is how you present yourself to the world, especially today, when human contacts are so quick. Fashion is instant language. ~ Miuccia Prada

10 random tangents

1. When I was little I was obsessed with pro-wrestling.My favorite was the Undertaker. I swore I was the Undertaker, I used to walk around the house and roll my eyes into my head and do that weird hair flip thing. I got accused of choke slamming a few younger cousins in wrestling matches, but whatever. I had to stop when that dumb ass little boy in Florida killed his sister while playing wrestling. My mom said she wouldn’t come visit me in jail ,so that quickly put an end to my dream of wrestiling superstardom.
2. I can sing. Like seriously. Sing my black ass off. And I don’t mean it in the way like the American Idol Rejects do, who never listen to themselves. I mean like I can really sing. Like me and the cousin had a singing group back in the day. Now, I only sing when I think no one is listening. I brought a voice recorder with the hope of using it for class. The only thing I have been successful in is recoding myself sing. I have a few clips of me on youtube under my stage name (I dare you to find it). So, Yeah Im hella talented.

3. I have commitment issues. The only thing I can seriously commit to is school and breathing. I only commit to school because Im scared of being homeless ,or stuck in Middletown for the rest of my days. And, well breathing is self-explanatory. Here is just a short list of all the shit I couldn’t commit to: Band, Soccer, Basketball, Baseball, Dance, Yearbook, Photography, I think I had a baseball card collection, Choir, Chorus, African American Heritage Club, Student Government, Judicial Review Board, Teaching as a major,Collected disney movies for a while, —–,—–,—–.—-.—-. You get the point.

4. I’ve had the same core group of friends since the 8th grade. And I can count on one hand how many serious fights we’ve had. I don’t know many people that lucky in the world. I thank God for my friends even when their actions are a little, lets just say “out there”. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. And yes I will name names: Ashley, Dallas, Safiya, Kyisha, Jasmine, Queta, Brandon, Crump, Krystle, Jasmine. Shrylia, Jackie, and Lauren…

5. I write. A lot. Shit is like therapy to me. It calms me down. Makes me feel necessary. I don’t claim to be great at, but I like to do it. My goal is to have a book or at least an anthology of poetry finished before I’m 30. Yeah, So I like to write.

6. The funniest thing in the world to me is to hear Jackie Berg imitate Ms. Kitties answering machine. Even though she’s done it 50 million times, each time feels like the first and that shit is pure comedy…”0889″.

7. I think I’m smarter than you. Smarter than everyone. Even when I’m not, I like to believe I am. This is how I avoid conflict. Sort of my Jedi Mind Trick. I guess it won’t work now since I told you. But, it probably will because…Im smarter than you.

8. I hate the mall. I hate it with a passion. I would never go to the mall on my own. And the sad part is its not the walking or over priced clothes. It’s the people you could potentially run into. Then you go through the whole fake conversation that is pointless and waste valuable breath. And when you catch them trying to look into your bags to see what you brought. That bothers me to my soul. Also the old people, and bitches with 5 bad ass kids who want to walk slow, and the assholes who walk going the wrong way. These people probably drive this why. The reason why Gieco has 50 million T.V. commercials, because of people who can’t follow mall traffic patterns correctly. ASSHOLES!

9. Soulja boy is autistic. Or he has down syndrome. He is famous for no reason. This is the man responsible for the song “Booty Meat’. He’s Flavor Flav’s retard bastard son. This waste of MTV, BET, and VH1 air time. The people who discovered him should be shot. I blame fucking MySpace. And God knows I love MySpace. But you can’t keep letting these talentless people become famous. Its killing me. First Cassie and Sean Kingston, Tila fucking Tequila. Who’s next???? PLEASE STOP IT.

10. I am not an alcoholic. Contrary to popular belief. I just happen to like a few good drinks on occasion. Is that a crime. A mojitio here, a glass or red wine there, a red headed slut on Tuesday, a grey goose martini as a night cap, a hurricane to take the edge off. It’s just one of the perks of being 21. Maybe its because when I chose to get sloppy drunk there is always a camera around. I do drink off camera. I just get “snap happy” when I am inebriated. Sue me. And I work damn hard during the week and Im grown shit. But I hate when people misinterpret my enjoying of life for a serious addiction. However, here are a few things I could possibly be addicted to: Jill Scott, LRG, Def Poetry Jam, Hispanic and Bi-racial people, and wondering…

2007 can kiss my ass

This year was full of ups and downs as each year has been but for some reason this one just felt different. It was the intangible feeling of “what’s next” and not being afraid, but anxious, and looking at the glass like its about to overflow. This year I learned, and lived, and laughed, and breathed, and cried, and shouted, then was silent and enjoyed it. I found true passion and creativity. I danced, and drank, then stumbled free. I understood and had clarity, followed by confusion. I learned to be wrong and a revel in right. I was judgmental. I’ve always been. Always will be. Just something I accepted. I was infatuated and frustrated and lonely and loved and lonely and loved and lusted and ecstasy and love and alone again. I found God and not religion. As they are two completely different things. I learned that forgiveness is necessary. Especially for self. I forgave my self for allowing the world to dictate the person I might have become. I forgave myself fearing the unknown and turning away from the one think I desperately needed. I reevaluated friendships and family and finances and stability. Came to the conclusion that they are not etched in stone. They should be fluid. Allow them in and out and accept it as necessary change. Hold them as a part of my world, yet never put them on a pedestal. Its never definite. It hurts more when you assume they will be. I could write for hours and days or weeks but some aspects of my life are just not worth sharing. Either because they are too personal or just plain boring. Now, Officially 2007 can kiss my black ass (I mean this in the nicest way possible). I only have to look forward to what this next year will bring. I will not greet it with unfulfilling new years resolutions. I know myself better than that. I will promise to do more and do the opposite. So I hold no expectations for this year. I will deal with each day as it comes. Remaining true to the person I believe myself to be. Not wasting a moment with second guessing or regret. Live. Live. Live. Like the song says “Each breath is blessed responsibility.” The End.