Fear Fucked

It fell out of the sky like, a Sunday morning hang over punch to the gut. When did you have time to scoop this one? What happened to missing me, or us? Why do I care? It was me who pushed and gently placed you back burner to simmer. I almost expected you to wait forever for me. Guess forever only lasted until Wednesday night. Damn! How blind of me. How cruel of you. Facebook sucks! Broadcast my hurt feelings across laptop screens and how do you expect me to act. You know my feelings shatter easier than pond ice at noon. Thank God for this screen, saving me the embarrassment of a public meeting, because suicide sounds better . At least in the privacy of this room I can wipe my egg stained face and re-group. OK, seriously like, didn’t you like our cat and mouse game? I though we enjoyed being each others back-burner, late-night phone call counterpart. Never officially official. Is that not the agreement we made? We played the field but you were always my first choice. Still are. Now, where do we stand? Can’t call and pretend to be happy for you. I’m not, and it kills me even more because you don’t know that I know what I know. THIS SUCKS! YOU SUCK! You make me wish for the numbness of Patron shots, so drunk dialing would be forgiven in the morning. I don’t need to drink. I want one, but I don’t need it. I just remember… how fears always fucks me out of my hearts desire. You. Congratulations are in order, but not from me. I’m just not that big of a person. I’m OK. I guess. Just the rest of my back burner options suck. Selfish I know. I’m working on it. NOT!

Its strange that reading brings you closer to understanding your own behavior. And, when you stumble upon something that fits so perfectly to your life it makes you think, maybe I’m not that weird after all. Anyway here’s another quote that explain me...

after an hour or two of being socially “on,” we introverts need to turn off and
recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of
socializing. This isn’t antisocial. It isn’t a sign of depression. It does not
call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as
restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating.

- Unknown

In other words, after a long Friday night of drunken stumbling and dancing to music I never would listen to on my own, the rest of my weekend was spent avoiding the human race. Except, a phone call to my mother who I am learning to appreciate more and more each day. How absence makes the heart grow. But, I guess a phone call isn’t actual human contact so. Mission Accomplished.The End.

This is serious

This shirt is serious! This election is serious! People now is not the time to sit back and watch the world pass you by. Be active, get involved, take a stand. It makes no difference to me who you vote for this coming election. I know I’m voting for Barack Obama . I hope you will to, but if not its cool because your an American. Just take a stand on whatever issues are important to you and vote for the candidate you feel will best represent this country. Not just the Democrat, or the Republican, or the black guy, or the white lady, just make a smart and conscious decision. Voting is not enough rally for the candidate you want to represent this nation. Encourage and educate friends or family members about the issues at hand. DO SOMETHING, because if forfeit your right to vote, then you don’t have the privilege of complaining when history repeats itself. THE END.

For the gemini in you

Gemini. The twins. The perfect mix of ying and yang. Me.Not.

I don’t really get into the horoscope and astrology thing. But it seems that every time I tell someone my birthday, June 12. I’m greeted with this awkward look. A looks that says “here comes trouble” or “that explains a lot”, and I could never really explain it and; it was baffling to me. Until today, I did a little mini investigation of my own; to further my understand of what exactly it means to be a Gemini. I must say that most of what I read was true and a little amusing, and the other parts just insulting. Yes, I have a tendency to be moody, have great imagination, I can be fickle, restless, quick witted, and nosey. So What? When will people stop trying to generalize and pigeon-hole others. Why is it never just ok to be a person with your own unique characteristics? It made it seem like everything that made me great, had nothing to do with my up bringing or my general personality. Nope. Not at all. I am the way I am because I was born on the 12th of June. Ain’t that a bitch? A nasty fat bald headed one. And to think people spend their days reading horoscopes and planning their life around a couple of fucking stars and planets stars. WHAT? The only star I ever head about that even remotely mattered was the North Star, and that brought slaves closer to freedom. This being said; me and my split personality twin, are going to rule this whole Gemini explains a lot as just a mere coincidence. I am the way that I am because I FUCKING GREAT. Because sometimes I feel the need be nice and not so much. And June 12th just happens to be 9 months after my mom sexed my dad. So, I resign being referred to as a Gemini. Astrology is for the fucking hippies.

Insomina and the cell phone

I have horrible sleep patterns, like I walk the line between insomnia and insanity. And, I have a dreaded and often avoided 8 o’clock class. Which equals me having to trade my usual 3 or 4:30 bed time to something more along the lines of midnightish. Sounds easy enough, right? NOT EVEN. First, I have to fight with my need to procrastinate the necessary. Then, comes the restless tossing and turning. the feelings of hot and cold and thirsty and hunger and dotting my I’s and crossing the T’s. Anything to avoid sleep. I don’t know why I run from it. Sleep is good for the growing body. At least that’s what I hear. Then by some act of God, I actually get in bed and find myself in a state of rest and time is creeping to 2 a.m. That’s when the real bullshit starts. My death black and silent cubical of a room is filled with the raspy chanting of Mos Def and the Definition chorus. (oh, if I never hear that song again.) And if 24-hour quite didn’t stop me from screaming at the top of your lungs. I would curse who is on the other end of the line for-filth. The noise mixed the blaring white back light of the phone compels me to look. Even though common sense would tell me just to reach over and silence the damn thing. Or better yet, common sense would tell me to turn the fucker on silent before laying down to add to the million distractions I have already . But I do neither, and reach over to hear the voice on the other end. It usually starts with my voice sounding groggy and filled with peaceful sleep, which is really my deep seeded hate and irritation for the person on the other end. Then no matter who it is ask the same dumb ass question “Where you sleep?”. What the fuck??? No, but I was trying to, and now will not get to sleep for the next hour or three, because you want to talk my fucking ear off. Then I have to rediscover that point of rest that it took me so long to find in the first place. It’s really sad. Really Really Really sad. I know. But there is something worse than a 2 a.m. phone call when you have to get up at 7. Oh much worse. A FUCKING TEXT MESSAGE. Oh, those shits get on my nerves. Not only did I have to change my plan to supplement all the bullshit that I get, but they are an unnecessary distraction. Especially, when I need to be sleep. Like who really wants to read a long ass txt message in the middle of the night. The next person that decides to send me a chain letter at 3 a.m., should shoot themselves in the foot seriously. All this is just to say if you really love or even pretend to like me please don’t call me after 11:30. It would help tons. So even if I toss and turn and turn then toss. It will be of my own doing and not because I believe that If I turn my phone off I’ll miss doing something extremely important. The End

I won't complain

I won’t complain. Even though I feel the need to right now. It just won’t solve any of my problems. I wish it would. I wish I could. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t. I keep going because, I don’t have a choice. And that sermon still rings loudly. If I stayed there I would die, and I’m just not ready to accept death. Not yet. Not ever. I can’t do it. I just have to fight, and fight hard. What I really want to do right now, is cry. Cry my eyes blood shoot and weeping, just to breath again. I can’t force it, as much as I want to. I need to. There is just to much work. I cannot procrastinate anymore. I need to break away from ME. From them. I need to take control. I need to accept my role in all of this and FREE myself. That is the only way that I will move forward. But, I don’t want that. I’m just not ready to accept that maybe its all my fault. I just want to complain and blame someone else. Its easier. Right? I need to pray and be thankful. and thank him until I can’t thank Him any more. It’s hard, but necessary. I think? I don’t know. And now the tears come. Sit at the edge of my eye and I’m begging them to jump. Help me cleanse this helplessness. Allow me to start a new. I’m need peace of mind, or just peace for a second. Clarity. Quiet. Solution, where? I need one. I plead for one. Throw my self at the mercy of judge and jury. A new start, and I don’t really need a new one just a little help mending this one. Goodnight.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Try to get enough sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, ‘My purpose is to____ today.’

5. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did in 2007.

7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear the clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more.

18. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won’t interfere with the present.

23. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. Burn the candles, use the nice china, and don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

32. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

33. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

34. The best is yet to come.

35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

36. Do the right thing!

37. Call your family often. Keep in touch with them.

38. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: ‘ I am thankful for ___.’ Today I accomplished ____.

39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don’t want a fast pass.

You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

Be Blessed!

and this is nothing of mine but its helpful!

the truth about loving the city...

This is a line from Tuna and Tea by Jason Reynolds.

It holds so much truth. It’s a strange feeling to come to grips with the fact that the cool of the city has infiltrated us all, but it’s not always a bad thing. It just reminds me that I am often a composite of the people I love to watch, hence why I love to watch them. Most of us exist somewhere between being vain, and being personally invested. And all of us shoot for cool, one way or another.

Six Words: My Life

Hemingway once wrote a story in just six words (”For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”)

Here are a few of mine:

I’m not so sure about this…

It’s best that I leave now…

I know tomorrow will be better…

Summer rain always makes me clam…

Just a few more minutes mom…


The End.

over The Hill to Whitney's House We Go

Its no secret that I am in love with “The Hills”. I have no problem admitting that. Every Monday night at 10, I am in front of my television with no interruptions to watch Lauren, Audrina, Heidi, Spencer, Brodie, Lisa Love, and of course the lovely and ever so fashionable Ms. Whitney Port. Ha! Whitney is F L Y. Hand down the most down to earth and realistic character on the show. She keeps it real. Whitney is what I aspire to be. Well, not white female, or thin, but a young college educated working professional. And for that I love her. This is my ode to Whitney Port. They flyest white girl I’ve never met.

The Place that Sunshine forgot (Day 5)

Try looking for the courage to be happy when your surrounded by rain. Its been raining for 5 days straight. 5 long days. Its almost a little more than I can take. No it is more than I can take. I just wish I could smile. The natural newborn baby smile. A smile that is effortless and not forced. I wish I could trade my skin for just a few hours. Right now all I can do is remember what happy felt like. What it looked like. Even when I watch other people and the seem happy I know I can feel their pain. There need to escape and be free.
What I really need right now is to cry. A good long cry. Maybe after the cry the happiness will re-appear. Maybe the cry will wash away the rejection and the lonely. Maybe the cry will… I don’t know give me an emotion other than right now.
I need my momma. I need some tough love. I need love. and not that manufactured shit. The love that can only come from familiar faces and shared experiences. FAMILY, that’s what I really want. I need that.
Wishing to be somewhere else but here,
KD

New Years and Alone

Its about 10:22 on the eve of 2008 and I sit alone in all to familiar spaces. Now, a sane person of my same age and social position would be out drinking and dancing and laughing and living. Oh, but not me. Not this year. I chose to sit here alone with iced tea and silence. Well, choose is a harsh word rather I had the opportunity of livley evening snatched away from me by a series of fortunate events. Its cool. I’m OK. Its just the silence makes me question. is karma really out there. Does she or it exist? For along time it only seemed to be a wise tale to make you think twice about not so right actions that you would commit anyway. Now, not so much. Is this alone and silence really what I want? Or is this the workings of something greater saying this is how the other half live. Its not like I haven’t been here before. It bothers me not one bit. The alone is what I attribute to this monster of a person I show the world. So why now? why tonight? why alone? why couldn’t it be in a crowed of people with upset tattooed in frown lines? Why not in crowded clubs, praying that my wallet doesn’t get taken only to have drinks spilled on my shoes? Did I do something wrong? makes me wonder. and I usually don’t. Only give thought to consequences when failure is admitted. and I can’t speak life into that. I want to find my sorrows in a bottle. That’s, so not the answer and being even slightly drunk by yourself is pathetic and the first step in being a drunk is AA meeting and addiction is bad and so is karma. and I hope this bitch is happy now because she upsets me. makes me think like…Do unto others and blah blah blah. I guess I learned my lesson. except for the fact that alone never bothers me and I’ll make up for it sooner or later but whatever. as of right now I’ll admit my defeat to this karma. I got that ass next year though. Happy New Years.
Sincerely,
Alone