I won't complain

I won’t complain. Even though I feel the need to right now. It just won’t solve any of my problems. I wish it would. I wish I could. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t. I keep going because, I don’t have a choice. And that sermon still rings loudly. If I stayed there I would die, and I’m just not ready to accept death. Not yet. Not ever. I can’t do it. I just have to fight, and fight hard. What I really want to do right now, is cry. Cry my eyes blood shoot and weeping, just to breath again. I can’t force it, as much as I want to. I need to. There is just to much work. I cannot procrastinate anymore. I need to break away from ME. From them. I need to take control. I need to accept my role in all of this and FREE myself. That is the only way that I will move forward. But, I don’t want that. I’m just not ready to accept that maybe its all my fault. I just want to complain and blame someone else. Its easier. Right? I need to pray and be thankful. and thank him until I can’t thank Him any more. It’s hard, but necessary. I think? I don’t know. And now the tears come. Sit at the edge of my eye and I’m begging them to jump. Help me cleanse this helplessness. Allow me to start a new. I’m need peace of mind, or just peace for a second. Clarity. Quiet. Solution, where? I need one. I plead for one. Throw my self at the mercy of judge and jury. A new start, and I don’t really need a new one just a little help mending this one. Goodnight.