Wide awake at 3 am(Slicker Than Your Average)

I haven’t been to sleep before 5 am in almost 2 weeks. Tonight I tried to make a conscious effort not to be up this late seeing as its the holiday and all. I guess we celebrate the Memorial Day. I know we put a flag on my grandfathers grave (to be honest I just found that out today). For me it usually means another unwanted family gathering. This year there won’t be.

I got my stimulus check from the gov’t. A whole $300 dollars to remind me that I am broke. I’m not complaining. Even thought I owed my mom half right off the top and the 60 that I owe to the saint. I guess in all things are starting to look up. Now if I could only find a job that would be amazing! Im going to stop being stubborn and call the grocery store. i know its not my dream job but it will pay the bills.

I need to call my dad. I should of done it yesterday when it was free. I’ll call eventually. Probably tomorrow. Its the holiday. I feel bad for not celebrating the holiday. Slightly un-American, but the check I cashed had lady liberty on it. That was kind of American.

Its 330 now. and I’m going to play a word association game with myself. Here we go.

Orange

loud

laughter

teeth

horses

peanut butter

apples

white

snow

pee

ammonia

cats

Chinese

general tso’s

red

hypnosis

left

forgotten

sanity

bubble wrap

stair cases

foil

soap

angels

outfield

flies

zippers

close

doors

closets

secretes

truth

deception

religion

mustard seed

calories

Atkins

baggy

bad breath

all that

Sunday

planters nuts

peach flowers

hair grease

polka dots

row homes

curse words

fire crackers

bird food

alka seltzer

car fire

dust

shed

monkeys

fights

lips

water fountains

grant hill

Redding middle

delorenzo

wizard of oz

broken television

string beans and corn

unwanted visitors

chocolate milk

lactose intolerant

first grade

cheating

Sparks

cow boy boots

gumby

cassette player

Nintendo

sleep over

scrabble

scrapple

wrestling

undertaker

death

purple

prince

skinny

baby

abortion

unplanned

vacation

stranded

night clubs

bar

ABC

cubic zirconium

old navy

vans

checkers

Baltimore

cheesecake

cherries

sundaes

spoiled mile

cows

skim

shit

chemistry

stretch Armstrong

gangly

rejection

ugly

curve

hip

shoulder

poetry

ink

confusion

beauty

flawed

track ball

cash

compulsive

credit cards

lil wayne

dark

Vegas

rats

hookers

txt messages

sex

crack house

condoms

voyeurism

porn

history

eagles

super stars

gypsies

deconstruction

project runway

weirdoes

Kara Saun

leather

bacon

rolls

paper towels

fight club

national geographic

titties

African

jungle

ivory

pearls

silver

Kirk Franklin

brain damage

tumors

cancer

cervix

hospitals

33

Jim Carey

grinch that stole Christmas

silent night

presents

greed

ring tones

party

natural ice

kiddie pool

digital camera

flash

gas station

Latin American

omelets

tequila

colors

London

hills

port

river front

water

drown

sleep

insomnia

vampire

blade

black

silence

fan blade

on demand

sex and the city

blackberry

ok Im done. its 3:51 now. There was no real point to that. Its just more constructive that me sitting here in the dark pretending that Im going to sleep. Im still not tired. I miss cookout. I think that would be the answer to all my prayers. Fucking Hush puppies and a mint chocolate chip milkshake. maybe not? wont know till August.

Im done now,



KD

Keep Moving Forward

Tomorrow I am supposed to watch the cousin that refuses to listen and is more stubborn than anything God breathed life into. I’m watching him for the aunt that fails to see the beauty in his stubborn. Tomorrow is going to be one hell of a day. Did I mention the skin infection that he has? I’m not scared. I don’t think. They have on demand and starz. There is only HBO at home. Starz has better movies but no Sex and the City. I watched the entire 6thseason in one day. It was what I like to call quality TV. I love the red headed one, don’t know her name but, I like her. I think when my cash flow is consistent I will go rent the other 5 seasons. However, for my cash flow to be corrected I would have to get a job. FUCK THE ECONOMY,and where is my stimulus check it would really come in handy right about now. I have a storage, and phone bill, and I happen to owe one of the nicest and most generous people I know $60 dollars. It sucks. I hate lying. Yet, I am a liar. I used to believe that my biggest fault was my pride. Its not. My biggest fault is my inability to tell the truth. Let me correct that. I take that back I can tell the truth a few times, but I am a story teller. Its my gift and my curse. I am a victim of an over active imagination. An adapter, a people pleaser; hell, I might even be a sociopath. I really don’t believe that. But how do I expect you to when I just told you I’m a liar. But I know why I lie. I’ve always known. I lie to fill the empty. To dodge the rejection. To shield from the hurt. I lie because its easy. Thats the truth. I must admit Im good at lying. I know when they don’t really work. I know when I’ve said to much and not enough. I know how to string lies along to create what I like to consider fictional masterpieces; both written and oral. You would be surprised what I can do with a photo and the right motive. I could create entire life times and personalities and carry them off flawlessly. Still buried beneath all the smoke and mirrors. Is the scared little boy in the Dc row house surrounded by drunkenness, knives, crack, and wondering where home was. Trying to remember how good it felt to run barefoot around the culdasack fill with the elderly who love you like their own. I will always be that little boy. Eight year old. The one who ate to hide and packed on the pounds to protect the fragile often confused and Ethiopian frame, and when the food wasn’tenough the one who told the stories with the amazing imagination. The one with the smile and the manners. The one who never showed real emotion. The boy who now sits at this computer and finds strength in a poet who is not afraid to admit the fault and the beauty in it and the boy who found inspiration to write this from a Disney movie and a quote from Walt Disney telling him to “keep moving forward”. Right now I am a liar and I will be one until I tell the truth. It shall set me free. But, not yet. I am not ready. Not today. I can admit that. thats truth enough for me right now.



A mess and a masterpiece,



KD

Lessons in writing from the heart

As honest as I am in this blog there is still so much about myself that I am not willing to share. I don’t know why. This is the only place where my thoughts really make sense and transform themselves into something I’m proud to put my name on and still there is something holding me back. Anyway I’m sitting here watching this special on Susan L. Taylor who is the editor in chief of Essenes Magazine about writing from the heart and that’s what made her so successful. It got me thinking that the books and blogs I like to read. I feel a connected to them like they are talking to me about their problems and their struggles. There is a great vulnerability that they have in their writing. Its one thing I know I lack. I just cant seem to let this wall down. TO be honest I don’t know when this wall was built. When I was a kid I was fearless and courageous. Some where between there and now I’ve become somewhat introverted. and though I can be introverted every now and then that little kid that refused to take no for an answer shows face and when he does he is nothing short of amazing. I wish I could convince him to stay longer because this introvert shell of myself doesn’tdo the job the way I need it to! And I can’t make any promises that I will always be vulnerable but this is my pledege to make an effort. So that when and if people read this it wont just be glossed over stuff that anyone can write about. Anyway, this is my ode to Mrs. Taylor saying thank you for being fearless and vulnerable.



Jobless and smiling,



KD

Is this Limbo

I’m stuck. Stuck in every sense of the word. Just Stuck. I don’t like being stuck. It seems that any other time this would be just a lazy even lackadaisical feeling, but it seems that when its out of my control its just stuck. No job, no social life, no sex, no fun, no drinking, no LIVING and I hate not living. I wish this was just a one day thing. Its lasted my entire vacation. Granted my summer vacation has only last about a week in a half it feels like forever. I even started a short story that I fell in love with and now have no will to finish. I wonder if this is what depression feels right before the rope and the swingingor the pills and the sleep. What is this feeling. STUCK is a fucking horrible place to be. This is not summer. It can’t be. I didn’t leave school to come here for this! I’m just praying for something. I can’t send my resume out anymore. I can’t write another cover letter. I need catalyst to push me into money and fun. Just something more than this stuck.



No reason to get up before noon,



KD

Will work for....

I have been home for almost 7 days. I’ve had one interview and still no job! I am starting to become depressed. and not because of the Zyrtec this time. I just don’t understand how I can be unemployed. I am I am some type of amazing…it just baffles me. I have a wonderful resume and I interview well. I’ve had lots of practice. I just don’t get it. I know why my interview yesterday didn’t go so well. its because they thought I was a girl from my resume. I know my name is not normal so when people read it and cannot connect it to a face they always assume that I am a girl. I am NOT! and it sucks because I think that if I had showed up with a pus I would have gotten that job, but what different does it make. I am still 6 kinds of amazing. I am something like 1 in a million. I just don’t get it. One of my moms friends said it was because of the economy but fuck that. GIVE ME A JOB. I have applied to over 50 places. I have an account at every job posting website you can think of. its just bonkers to me!!!!!!! I have an appointment with a temp agency on Monday. I had one today but I didn’t go. Its raining and i didn’t feel right about that place. Anyway all my friends will be home tonight!!!!!PARTY FUCKIN TIME!!!!!

Hire me Please,



KD

For Your Consideration

I hate riding the train. I do. I really do. I think Amtrak is the devil. Its never on time, its always to cold, I always have to sit next to someone who snores, and the food is hella expensive. The ride from school to home or vice versa is 6.30. Granite its more convenient that a flight, but sometimes its really not worth it. If my cash flow was better or I really knew how to save I would so fly my black ass home. Its just not worth the trouble. this last trip home was the worst because there was this drunk bitch on the train who wouldn’t shut the hell up. I know I drink and I can get a little rowdy at times but I would never put my drunk ass on a train for 6 hours and expect me to keep still. Its just not happening and this old whore was on the train before I got on there and was heading to new york. I just don’t get it. WHO RIDES THE TRAIN DRUNK. WHAT THE FUCK! I know that sounded a bit mean but it took me a week to find a nice way to say that because I called her like 50 other names on my way home. Luckily when I got off the train she was at the bar getting boozed up so at least the last 20 min of my ride was spent peacefully. Except for the fact that I let this girl with the most amazing new york accent in the world borrow my phone. There is something so undeniably sexy about a proper new york accent. I would normally be opposed to letting strangers use my phone, but there was something incredible about the way she asked I just had to.

1 week into summer and jobless,



KD