Who knew that my semester away from school would lead me to a full time teaching position at a bootleg Christian charter school (mental note, never mention blog to any of my co-workers). This job only makes me miss school more. I miss school. I can’t say that enough. I thought becoming a teaching assistant would help quench this thirst for an academic setting, it hasn’t. Now Im stuck teaching a bunch of high school student, when Im not even really sure what Im doing. Im trying my best, and my best is a shit load better than what they were getting before. It’s still not enough. I just know that the education gap is wide and it’s getting wider everyday because of school like the one I work for. Its just sad. I really just want to take these kids to my old high school and show them what real learning looks like. At best I can imitate what I learned in college education classes and the tips I learned in high school that I use today. I still can’t give them the foundation they need. They have no will. No desire. No resources. And as much as I would love to bend over backwards and give them what I know they will need to make it post-high school. I can’t, not at the capacity that I would like to. It’s just unfair. I wish so much for those kids and myself. This may be the only time in my life where I regret my decision not to become a teacher, but my heart is not in it. Its still not, and I have become what I hated most, a teacher who’s only in it for the money. I can argue why my circumstances are much different but I won’t.
I just have to hang in there until January and maybe some of my charm will rub off on them. Maybe not.
STRESSED,
KD
Monday, September 22, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Rent Controlled Apartments and Marbarol Lights…
I’m going for a world record for post in one night. I really am about to go to sleep. I just wanted to share this. I wanted to write this first but I debated back and forth for hours about the right way to go about this. There is no right way. Let me just say that this did happen to me. I am living this right now. It may come across mean spirited, but its not. Its a rant only slightly structured. Comment if you must. Just be gentle….
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Would you talk to someone who told you that they had an STD.? I mean how do you really handle that? I’m all for not disclosing too much information about past relationships. I don’t need to know dates, places, or kinky places you fucked. It’s just not necessary, under normal circumstance. Again, I know that with dating nothing is as easy as 2+2. Maybe your last love was a chronic cheater; maybe you dated a club head. Or just maybe you caught the herpes when you were 15 and have been living with it for 10 years, without medication.
How am I supposed to react? After the dramatic build up, “I have something to tell you and I don’t know how you will react.” Do you want me to invite you over for cookies and maybe some foreplay? I don’t understand and the fact that you are not currently treating your condition that never really goes away. I do watch television. I know about Valtrex! Why don’t you? And if you do, why aren’t you on it?
A more important question…Who slept with you? How many times? Do you tell everyone? Was I special?
Not saying that having an STD is signing your death wish. You might find love. I guess you still deserve it. Everyone makes mistakes. I’ve made mistakes. I have more to make, but none of them involve consciously endangering the well being of someone I might have feelings for or even respect on the slightest of levels.
Talk about confused.
The answer should be clear. Go get some help, then maybe we can kiss and even that’s a bit of a stretch.
I guess the sad part is the herpes is not the worst part! It’s the fact that people walk around with these conditions and just don’t choose to take care of them.
It would be all the same if instead of herpes it was a child and you just forgot to feed or change or nurture it. Your mistakes are always fixable. There is always room to mend anywhere there is a tear.
The fact that you left this tear as is allowed it to open, and somehow you expect me to fall into it open heartedly. You got me fucked up. REAL FUCKED UP!
I love the person you are and the possibility of what could be, and your honesty is honorable. I don’t know how I would go about making a confession to someone I was romantically pursing. But it doesn’t change that fact that your honesty cannot cover up your blatant ignorance.
GROW UP!
GO TO THE DOCTOR!
STOP PRETENDING LIKE YOU CAN’T BE THE OUTBREAK MONKEY! MONKEY!
THEN WE CAN TALK
A real rock and a hard place,
KD
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Would you talk to someone who told you that they had an STD.? I mean how do you really handle that? I’m all for not disclosing too much information about past relationships. I don’t need to know dates, places, or kinky places you fucked. It’s just not necessary, under normal circumstance. Again, I know that with dating nothing is as easy as 2+2. Maybe your last love was a chronic cheater; maybe you dated a club head. Or just maybe you caught the herpes when you were 15 and have been living with it for 10 years, without medication.
How am I supposed to react? After the dramatic build up, “I have something to tell you and I don’t know how you will react.” Do you want me to invite you over for cookies and maybe some foreplay? I don’t understand and the fact that you are not currently treating your condition that never really goes away. I do watch television. I know about Valtrex! Why don’t you? And if you do, why aren’t you on it?
A more important question…Who slept with you? How many times? Do you tell everyone? Was I special?
Not saying that having an STD is signing your death wish. You might find love. I guess you still deserve it. Everyone makes mistakes. I’ve made mistakes. I have more to make, but none of them involve consciously endangering the well being of someone I might have feelings for or even respect on the slightest of levels.
Talk about confused.
The answer should be clear. Go get some help, then maybe we can kiss and even that’s a bit of a stretch.
I guess the sad part is the herpes is not the worst part! It’s the fact that people walk around with these conditions and just don’t choose to take care of them.
It would be all the same if instead of herpes it was a child and you just forgot to feed or change or nurture it. Your mistakes are always fixable. There is always room to mend anywhere there is a tear.
The fact that you left this tear as is allowed it to open, and somehow you expect me to fall into it open heartedly. You got me fucked up. REAL FUCKED UP!
I love the person you are and the possibility of what could be, and your honesty is honorable. I don’t know how I would go about making a confession to someone I was romantically pursing. But it doesn’t change that fact that your honesty cannot cover up your blatant ignorance.
GROW UP!
GO TO THE DOCTOR!
STOP PRETENDING LIKE YOU CAN’T BE THE OUTBREAK MONKEY! MONKEY!
THEN WE CAN TALK
A real rock and a hard place,
KD
Friday, September 12, 2008
Put that twinkie down! or the first time I realized that I was out of shape.
***I’m really about to tell the world that I have body and weight issues. This wouldnt even be a big deal if I were thin and white.***
Today is the first time in my life and looked in the mirror and felt disgusted.
That’s sad, because for the most part I’ve grown to love my features and my body, even though its not the in the absolute best shape ever but I lived with it. I loved every ounce of imperfection.
Then today happened, I was in one of those rare moods when I wanted to stand in the bathroom and take ridiculous pictures of myself. With each click of my camera I began feeling disgusted. I was looking in the mirror, then at the images on the screen, then changing the position of the camera, adding a flash. I felt great! I looked horrible. Then I felt horrible.
I have let myself go to the point of no return! I have battered and abused this body into this lump of ughhh!!
Today was the last day!
I will finish reading the self help book. I will work out. Eat and drink less.
I will be making changes in my life. I will not feel this way when my 23 birthday gets here. I will not.
I REFUSE!
And I don’t want to die at 30.
Look at what I made me.
KD
Today is the first time in my life and looked in the mirror and felt disgusted.
That’s sad, because for the most part I’ve grown to love my features and my body, even though its not the in the absolute best shape ever but I lived with it. I loved every ounce of imperfection.
Then today happened, I was in one of those rare moods when I wanted to stand in the bathroom and take ridiculous pictures of myself. With each click of my camera I began feeling disgusted. I was looking in the mirror, then at the images on the screen, then changing the position of the camera, adding a flash. I felt great! I looked horrible. Then I felt horrible.
I have let myself go to the point of no return! I have battered and abused this body into this lump of ughhh!!
Today was the last day!
I will finish reading the self help book. I will work out. Eat and drink less.
I will be making changes in my life. I will not feel this way when my 23 birthday gets here. I will not.
I REFUSE!
And I don’t want to die at 30.
Look at what I made me.
KD
10 Reasons I’m Breaking Up With Lauren Conrad (The Bored and Fat Friday Night Edition)
1. She’s always crying. (nothing worse than a white girl with runny mascara)
2. Everyone on her show out shines her! Even bunny face Audrina.
3. When it matters she’s nothing more than a side kick.
4. She’s lost more friends in 5 years than I’ve lost in my entire life.
5. Lo’s a bitch. She was my favorite on Laguna. Now, she’s just a bitch. A nagging whining bitch, and because your best friends a bitch we have beef.
6. She finally found someone who wasn’t a coked out cheater and she dumps them. That should be reason number one. But it’s not just LC it’s all girls. (Yes I went there!)
7. As much as I hate Heidi, she’s starting to become a tad bit cuter. She still looks a little touched but she is giving LC a run for her money. And you never let the enemy out shine you. Especially when everyone is rooting for you.
8. Her age is starting to show on her face. You’re only in your early 20’s, why do you have wrinkles? Why haven’t you got botoxed up??
9. It’s Friday.
10. This may be the last season of The Hills. L Now what am I going to watch on Monday’s?
2. Everyone on her show out shines her! Even bunny face Audrina.
3. When it matters she’s nothing more than a side kick.
4. She’s lost more friends in 5 years than I’ve lost in my entire life.
5. Lo’s a bitch. She was my favorite on Laguna. Now, she’s just a bitch. A nagging whining bitch, and because your best friends a bitch we have beef.
6. She finally found someone who wasn’t a coked out cheater and she dumps them. That should be reason number one. But it’s not just LC it’s all girls. (Yes I went there!)
7. As much as I hate Heidi, she’s starting to become a tad bit cuter. She still looks a little touched but she is giving LC a run for her money. And you never let the enemy out shine you. Especially when everyone is rooting for you.
8. Her age is starting to show on her face. You’re only in your early 20’s, why do you have wrinkles? Why haven’t you got botoxed up??
9. It’s Friday.
10. This may be the last season of The Hills. L Now what am I going to watch on Monday’s?
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I remember…
It’s funny how the details of that day are so vivid to me. I can’t remember what I had for lunch to weeks ago, but 7 years ago I can tell you how long it took me to walk from my house to the bus stop. I remember the white t-shirt, the burgundy jeans, the white sneakers with the dye stains from the burgundy jeans, and the blue and tan book bag. I will never forget that day.
I was a just a freshman in high school. The day was going like any other Tuesday, small talk and note taking. 1st, 2nd and 3rd period passed. Then the bell for 4th period rang. English, my favorite class. I remember that I had a 100%. It may have been the last time I had a perfect score in any class. Ms. Gleason. That was her name. She had an easy Ellen DeGeneres swag about her, real lesbian chic. It was 4th period, English, Ms. Gleason, my 100%, and Ashley. She was my partner in crime. We sat back in the u-shaped structure of desk and watched and laughed like we always did. Still do. We laughed at the abusive couple right in front of us, (There is nothing funny about domestic violence), the girl who worshiped the devil, and the black boy with the horrible shoes and the white friends. It was Tuesday, 4th period, English, Ms. Gleason. Normal.
Then the intercom buzzed and the dry voice of our vice-principal rang bounced off of the cinder block walls. Then we tired to make sense of the voice, and watched as Ms. Gleason tried to reshape her lesson around something she didn’t even understand herself. Talk about a level playing field. We talked and talked until our conversation turned into fear and wanting to go home and see family members. Then the whispers from the ROTC kids about the Air Force Base, then chemical warfare and now we were too close to everything, figures Delaware in the mid point of everything important. SCARY SHIT! We sat there.
Teachers huddled in hallway, talking in whispered voices. WE had no answers, but we did get an early dismissal to run home and sit in front of the television to watch the crash, smoke, and debris over and over again.
I didn’t know what to think then and now sometimes still don’t know.
I just know that on days like this I’m an AMERICAN.
I remember today and take a moment of silence for those lives lost.
Living for today,
KD
I was a just a freshman in high school. The day was going like any other Tuesday, small talk and note taking. 1st, 2nd and 3rd period passed. Then the bell for 4th period rang. English, my favorite class. I remember that I had a 100%. It may have been the last time I had a perfect score in any class. Ms. Gleason. That was her name. She had an easy Ellen DeGeneres swag about her, real lesbian chic. It was 4th period, English, Ms. Gleason, my 100%, and Ashley. She was my partner in crime. We sat back in the u-shaped structure of desk and watched and laughed like we always did. Still do. We laughed at the abusive couple right in front of us, (There is nothing funny about domestic violence), the girl who worshiped the devil, and the black boy with the horrible shoes and the white friends. It was Tuesday, 4th period, English, Ms. Gleason. Normal.
Then the intercom buzzed and the dry voice of our vice-principal rang bounced off of the cinder block walls. Then we tired to make sense of the voice, and watched as Ms. Gleason tried to reshape her lesson around something she didn’t even understand herself. Talk about a level playing field. We talked and talked until our conversation turned into fear and wanting to go home and see family members. Then the whispers from the ROTC kids about the Air Force Base, then chemical warfare and now we were too close to everything, figures Delaware in the mid point of everything important. SCARY SHIT! We sat there.
Teachers huddled in hallway, talking in whispered voices. WE had no answers, but we did get an early dismissal to run home and sit in front of the television to watch the crash, smoke, and debris over and over again.
I didn’t know what to think then and now sometimes still don’t know.
I just know that on days like this I’m an AMERICAN.
I remember today and take a moment of silence for those lives lost.
Living for today,
KD
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
HO SIT DOWN.
I don’ t know who sings that song, but I really want to bump it from my tape deck old school style.
HO SIT DOWN!
HO SIT DOWN!
HO SIT DOWN!!!!
Oh yeah. This is in reference to the whole Jordin Sparks saving the Jonas Brothers at the VMA’s.
First let me comment on the VMA’s as a whole. THEY SUCKED! Maybe I’m getting old but it just wasnt the same. They were so dry and lack luster. basically like the BET awards with white people.
I mean I’m all for leaving Britney alone, but don’t give that girls awards and fame. You already know she can’t handle it. Its like taking an alcoholic to a bar. You know what’s gonna happen when they start drinking, but you have faith in them for some reason. Anyway she didn’t deserve 3 awards! period.
So now to my real beef with the VMA’s. I’m all for funny British people. I love Tracy Ulman and someone else funny from overseas but that guy they hired just was not cutting it. Except for the Obama shout out and the piss joke. So in the middle of his unfunny joke set he made a slight reference to the Joans Brothers promise rings.
He made fun of virgins! SO WHAT! In that room they were a minority! You always make fun the minority in the room. Its just like white people in a black comedy club. you know the jokes are comin’. Deal with it. It was funny. It was a fuckin joke.
Then Jordin decided to all in a huff and make some bullshit ass statement like “your either a virgin or a whore.” It was way different than that but that was the jist of the entire situation.
1. Who the HELL IS JORDIN SPARKS?
2. Having sex doesn’t make you a slut!
I mean occasionally I like to get frisky, but bitch Im grown. I can do that.
3. No one was talking to you porky!
4. Ho SIT DOWN!
5. You only got nominated for an award cause you made a song with Chris Brown and after those ringtones fade no one will be checking for you.
ha! jordin sparks is the pop version of Sarah Palin.
one more time for the road…
HO SIT DOWN!,
KD
HO SIT DOWN!
HO SIT DOWN!
HO SIT DOWN!!!!
Oh yeah. This is in reference to the whole Jordin Sparks saving the Jonas Brothers at the VMA’s.
First let me comment on the VMA’s as a whole. THEY SUCKED! Maybe I’m getting old but it just wasnt the same. They were so dry and lack luster. basically like the BET awards with white people.
I mean I’m all for leaving Britney alone, but don’t give that girls awards and fame. You already know she can’t handle it. Its like taking an alcoholic to a bar. You know what’s gonna happen when they start drinking, but you have faith in them for some reason. Anyway she didn’t deserve 3 awards! period.
So now to my real beef with the VMA’s. I’m all for funny British people. I love Tracy Ulman and someone else funny from overseas but that guy they hired just was not cutting it. Except for the Obama shout out and the piss joke. So in the middle of his unfunny joke set he made a slight reference to the Joans Brothers promise rings.
He made fun of virgins! SO WHAT! In that room they were a minority! You always make fun the minority in the room. Its just like white people in a black comedy club. you know the jokes are comin’. Deal with it. It was funny. It was a fuckin joke.
Then Jordin decided to all in a huff and make some bullshit ass statement like “your either a virgin or a whore.” It was way different than that but that was the jist of the entire situation.
1. Who the HELL IS JORDIN SPARKS?
2. Having sex doesn’t make you a slut!
I mean occasionally I like to get frisky, but bitch Im grown. I can do that.
3. No one was talking to you porky!
4. Ho SIT DOWN!
5. You only got nominated for an award cause you made a song with Chris Brown and after those ringtones fade no one will be checking for you.
ha! jordin sparks is the pop version of Sarah Palin.
one more time for the road…
HO SIT DOWN!,
KD
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