I Get Out {Final Blog of 2008}

2008 is going to end the same way it started, with a kiss of depression and a hug of insomnia. So, while I’m excited for a new year and new possibilities, I am still weary and fear full as any semi-sane person should be. I’m going into 2009 carrying regrets heavy enough to crush me, heavy enough to leave me right where I don’t want to be. This past year has been a struggle, even when I’ve hid it behind witt or drinking, or facebook status updates, most days have been more of a struggle to get out of bed than you will ever understand. I let the world kick my ass. I let whatever was holding me down win. I was not myself this year. I was this complacent person walking around aimlessly pretending not to notice that life was happening. In 2009 this complacency will have to die, and so will this laziness, this defensiveness and this fear of being an amazing smiling person filled to the brim with love of self and the world around. The sad part is, as I sit back and read old postings I saw my world slipping away from me, clear as day, and I did nothing. I lied to myself. I told myself that by pushing forward, I would be ok, that everything would work it self out in the end. I was passive as hell. That has to die as well. I could have stopped this in April, or March, or that day that depression crept down my throat and Boy Scout knotted my stomach into vomit and tears. I could have done something then. I didn’t and I’m pissed at myself. I didn’t have to be here, and I know this is less about fate and more about being proactive. I could have played a bigger role in my own life, I didn’t have to let world dictate what I did or how I did it. I could have been the voice, the force that pushed me out. And I still have to be. I can’t quit. Quitting is death. I’m not there yet. I’m slowly waking up from this coma of complacency. Standing up, Being the adult that I need to be, not the one I pretend to be. 2009 will be the year of accepting responsibility. Fixing all that’s broken and mending it with tears and forgiveness, instead of empty promises and sideways smiles. 2009 will be a year of healing, of new beginnings. Whatever that means… I will not be that person again. He dies. Right here and right now, and tomorrow I will party, dance, drink, cry and hug. And yes when January 1st rolls around I will wake up the same person. This skins, these finger and toe nails, and this stiff ass knee, but I will not think nor walk the same. I cannot sit back and watch opportunity and life sleep right out of my hands. I know it’s easier said than done, so I won’t call these resolutions. I’ll call them things that need to change if I want to survive and I do. I will. I have. I’ve mad it through another year, and I am so thankful for that. I thankful for this chance to reflect on opportunities not taken, and tears not cried, and relationships not mended.

Despite all my sadness and my need to change, there are things about this year that I am quite grateful/thankful for. I am thankful for the progresses I’ve made in of spite all of my short comings. This year I’ve dedicated myself to writing more, and I committed to it, and I’m proud of the out come. The only thing I’ve committed to in years. That’s a lie. I’ve committed myself to my friends and I’ve fell in love with each and every one of them all over again, and to them I owe so much. They’ve allowed me to love unconditionally again, and that’s something I never saw for myself again. I’m grateful for my family even when we refuse to accept our stubbornness, and fight and bicker to no end. I’m grateful to my God because this year, I questions him, and cursed him, and damn near turned my back on him, and through it all he’s kept me. I know he has, and I believe it with every ounce of my soul. I’m still trying to figure this church and spirituality thing out. I’ll get there. And I accept my missing faith as part of some of the challenges that I faced this year. I’m thankful for my unsuspected semester away from school. It’s taught me how much I truly do value the opportunity to learn. It’s showed me the art of a real life adult hustle is more than I can handle right now. I have a greater respect for the people who roll out of bed every morning and go to a job that they hate. I did it for 3 months and hated it, it almost killed me. I cannot wait for this year to throw me head first into a classroom. I will be there. However, my time away from school allowed me to fall in love with reading and the smell of public libraries. I will continue to read as much as I can, whenever I can, because as English major that’s where I fall short, and my comma craziness.

As much as I hate dislike my life, I love it all the same.

If I hold out,

KD

GoodBye 2008. The Shorter Sweeter Version.

I know that last one was kinda lenghty. Read it anyway or if your in a rush. Read this one. Its not as sad and its short…

Dear 2008,

You have gut punched me more than a 3rd grade bully. I’ve let you torment me for months and I’ve stood there taking it, pretending to be stronger than I am. You were relentless and persistent in trying to make me crumble. You damn near succeeded. You have broken me in places I never knew existed, poured salt in wounds I’m still desperate to close, and caused me to cry over things I didn’t know I cared about, but I AM HERE. Despite what you threw at me, despite my lack of faith, despite myself.

2008 I hate you now. 2008 I could hate you forever. I wish I could say I was sad to see you go, but I will gladly help you pack. You can take your extra day and these feelings of darkness and disappear, you will not be missed. I will always carry your memories. In this blog, in a photo album, but you will not be missed.

I will celebrate your departure with all my might. Yes! There will be music. There will de dancing. There will be drinks, and when I awake the next day you will be gone, and new possibilities will be here.

Thank you 2008, because you were so horrible 2009 has no choice but to be amazing.

With love,

KD

Real Soul Sunday On Tuesday…

Just because I was hung over Sunday.

Enjoy,

KD

Question???

How many times can you go out to a bar during the week before you are considered a lush????

Think about it….

Mr. Obama gets FLY…

I did a post about Mrs. Obama’s inauguration attire. I had to do this one because I am all about the OBAMA’s and hot clothes, and parties










I’m really feeling the Sean John design. I’m not a fan of Diddy but I like the slick 30’s feel of it. I also love the black on charcoal. Yeah.

The countdown continues.



KD

Looks better from afar…

So the cardigan I ordered for Christmas. It doesn’t look the same in person. It actually makes me look quite Lame…which isn’t the look I was going for. I was going for a hip hop Gatsby (because he was black). If you don’t know who Gatsby is look it up. Anyway. That’s my biggest problem with internet shopping, and I love internet shopping. I mean the sweater looks like the picture same color, but it looks much more modern in the pictures and thats just not the case. The cable knit is soooo Mr. Rodgers. I mean there isnt a lot that you can do with a cable knit sweater. Its meant for a more mature look, but mature late 20’s mature, not late 60’s. I guess I should know better. I had to order another cardigan because I want one and I can’t just wear that sweater becasue its here.. Its New Years Eve. Freshness is a must.

So this is the new sweater is purple. I’m not a big fan of purple. I think I wore it once to my uncles wedding back in 2005. I looked good it in, but I think I look good in everything. Sometimes. Anyway, I bought this cardigan from the same website and had to pay to have it Overnighted. 30.95…ain’t that some shit. I hope its worth it. There should be any surprises I wear LRG all the time, I know how thier clothes fit and the desing is pretty simple.

I did see a cardigan at Macy’s that I could wear but its hella expensive and I don’t have dough to throw around like that. I wish I did.

Speaking of dough. I finally got my paycheck and no longer have to deal with the crooked ass preacher. Amen!

I’m putting pictures of the new sweater below. I don’t know what I’m going to pair it with but….

Also, excuse the funny looking model with the weird mouth. He’s just really popular on the website that I shop from occasionally.





Fly as I wanna be,



KD

Though its been said, many times, many ways…

Merry Christmas
TO YOU!!!

From the bottom of my soul,

KD

Let me get my Scrooge on for a Second…

I sent my Christmas wishes, now its time for me to complain…



As much as I absolutely love the holiday season I can’t remember one where I didn’t have the stankest of attitudes. This year will be no exception. I still haven’t been paid. The cardigan that I was so excited about getting is too short.



I hate being Tall.



If my torso was like 3 inches shorter I would be in love with the sweater, and one of the damn buttons fell off and I don’t have time to send it back and to get a new one by New Years.



Now I have to re-plan my NYE outfit…



Maybe tomorrow…When I’m around the little children and their good spirits I will be in a better mood. I’m praying.



I remember when Christmas use to hold a different excitement. Waiting around all day for the sun to sent, the oven to be warmed, cookies to be baked, and the thought of Santa’s white ass to give me my shit.



I was always bad at bed time. I can’t do anything when I’m anxious. I would lay in bed in the most unnatural positions so when my mom came to check on me I would appear to be sleeping. She never believed I was. I think the fake snoring noises tipped her off, but when midnight struck and she came back to let me know that Santa left….



I remember being wide eyed trying to scan for all the presents that I asked for and the ones that I didn’t. I loved it. I still do. I would fall asleep right in front of the tree, just incase Santa made a mistake, he wouldn’t be coming to take back shit. Once his fat ass left it, it was mine. No Questions asked.



I remember…



I’m trying to cling to these childhood memories of happier Christmas so that I don’t carry this bad ass Scrooge attitude that I have. I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s holiday day. Then part of me could care less.



Ugghhhh….Sorry for all these depressing ass post, but whatever. It’s my space. My soul. Deal.



That attitude isn’t really meant for you. I’m just bitter about being broke, but having money. FUCK THIS…



I’m going to finish my Gatorade and Vodka…





One more time,



Merry Christmas,



KD

Santa is good all the time…

…and all the time Santa is good. (Please spare me any religious comments.)

Read back earlier post when I asked for a cashmere cardigan.

I GOT ONE, and its the most lovley christmas gift ever!






Don’t you just want to cuddle with it?

I do!

I will! As soon as it gets here in 3 to 5 business days.

Ain’t God good.

Now I have to find the perfect rest of an outfit (<—that makes sense) for NYE.

Any Suggestions???



KD

Real Soul Sunday...

...The Christmas Edition

Act A N***A Part 2 (Trying to let go with Vodka)

How could I lose if I did nothing wrong?

Why am I sitting here drowning my sorrows in vodka and whatever juice we have in this house broke?

This is not how I pictured my day. I just didn’t. I can’t believe such crooked people are allowed to run business, let alone school. I’ll home school my kids, people are going to blame me if they come out fucked up anyway, I might as well go for the fucking gold.

I know I wrote about this earlier and I thought I was done but…Sometimes its just to hard to be the bigger person and let things go. Sometimes you gotta hold on to that anger, just enough to keep you from crashing. That’s what I’m doing right now. This anger and the drinking are the only things keeping me afloat.

Good guys finish last. That’s how the saying goes, but I never pictured myself one of the good guys. I was always a step away from each. I like the grey areas. There is more room for error there. I just can’t understand how I got fucked over. Does the law not mean anything? I spent my entire day on the phone with the department of labor and all they can tell me that is that “Yes, what your boss is doing is wrong but there is nothing we can do at this point”…Bitch what are you good for. GET ME MY MONEY. When the law protects the criminal clergy and struggling college kids go broke, where is the justice? WHERE IS MY MONEY?

As much as I am upset about the money this is about principle. When you say you’re going to do something do it, especially when it comes to dealing with people’s money. No one works for fun. Well, I don’t. People need money. And they except to get paid accordingly, you can’t withhold my money because you don’t agree with how I submitted my resignation. I didn’t have to give you any notice what so ever and the same amount of money would still be owed to me.

I’m just beside myself and no one seems to understand my anger, my frustration, my need to drink, and be alone, and whine, and write. I just need to do this. It’s the only way all of this BULLSHIT will make some type of sense in the morning.

I’m more upset that I spent more than half my day at this very computer screen arguing with a crook…sorry I mean pastor. I want to past emails and school websites but it will do no good. I really want to bomb the fuck out of that place and watch his dreams crumble. I really want to wish the worst for him, and I know it’s not right but I can’t help it. When I’m angry these things happen and I refuse to apologize for them. So… I hope he gets AIDS and cancer for his wife, and that one of his sons are gay, and another gets hep c from using a dirty needle, I hope his little girls gets hit by a car, and I hope it happens all in the same week, so I can drive by the house laughing and throwing broken beer bottles at them…I don’t even care. At this point I don’t.

I’m tired of people fucking with me.



And in the middle of writing this I got this e-mail…

yo i heard pastor did you wrong, don’t take action you gone just have to wait and going to court will cost you alot more and you was right about JR talkin shit when you left (Excuse the spelling mistakes)



and I smiled.



I don’t know why, but I did.



I feel bad again. Maybe those kinds weren’t that bad. Maybe they were just lost. Hell, I’m still lost, in many ways I need to stop and stare. At what I don’t know, but something.



This day has been too long. Too stressful. My entire soul is tired.



Goodnight,



KD

Make me act a N****

Yo…

Why is my boss trying to stick me for my money? Sorry Let me rephrase. Why is my boss not trying to pay me today, like he promised he would at the start of the week?

SOMEONE PLEASE IN FORM THIS NIGGA….

Don’t fuck with my money. Don’t do it!

backtrack…

I sent a letter to him earlier in the week saying when my last day would be. Last night all of a sudden, you are quick to accept my letter of resignation and say your going to mail my last two check to me…NIGGA NO YOU DON’T.

I didn’t mail you my fuckin services. I didn’t make you wait 3 to 5 business days for me to come in and teach and put up with a bunch of other unnecessary bullshit. GIVE ME MY FUCKING MONEY.

I WILL SNAP ON THIS OLD GEEZER. 4 MONTHS OF PENT UP ANGER AND BULLSHIT. I WILL GO THE FUCK OFF.

So, I nicley replied to his email and said some of the aforementiond details, minus the curse words. He replied

Payday is the 20th. I will mail your last two checks. Don’t come here.

I copied and pasted that from the email. NIGGA.

I know when pay day is, but I asked you in person eariler in the week if we would get paid on Friday becasue it was the start of your holiday break. YOU SAID WE WOULD.

WHERE DOES ALL THE FUCKING CONFUSION COME FROM.

AND THEN, YOU TELL ME NOT TO COME THERE.

SAVE YOUR BREATH. AS LONG AS YOU HAVE MY MONEY, I’LL SHOW UP WHEN EVER THE FUCK I LIKE AND WILL ACT A NIGGA IF I FEEL LIKE IT JUST BECASUE YOU HAVE INCONVIENCED ME.

DON’T PLAY WITH PEOPLE’S MONEY. ITS THE DAMN HOLIDAY SEASON. I HAVE BILL AND OTHER OBLIGATIONS THAT RESTED ON THE FACT THAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD PAY ME TODAY. PAY ME TODAY.

I’M SO READY TO FIGHT THIS OLD ASS MAN. YO…

THIS IS THE MOST SPITEFUL SHIT I’VE HEARD OF IN MY LIFE. AND HE HAS THE NEVER TO CALL HIMSELF A PASTOR. NIGGA!

LET ME SHOW UP THERE AND HE TRY NOT TO PAY ME.

IM PISSIN ON THE CARPET AND CALLING SOMEBODY ALL TYPES OF UNCHRISTIAN LIKE NAMES.

I DON’T PLAY GAMES.

NOT WITH MY MONEY.

NOT AT ALL.



IF I DON’T POST FOR A FEW DAYS AFTER THIS ITS BECAUSE I’VE BEEN LOCKED UP,



kd

Indian Giver

Remember all the nice things I said about my kids the other day….I TAKE THAT SHIT BACK!

OH THESE RAT FACED SNOTTY NOSE PIMPLE RIDDLED FUCKERS.

I can’t take. NOT TODAY. I didn’t sleep well and I feel sick again, I will catch a care and plead guilty.

WHY ME????

Did I piss on someone in my former life? I’m just saying. Horrible job after horribler job!

I wonder… how many times I can ram one of their heads into a chalk board before they black out?

How many kicks to the abdomen before bruising starts? How many??

I should call up Mike Jack and R to the Kelly. Let them have a field day in this bitch. Candy Bars and Piss all day.

FUCK EM’

FUCK EM’

FUCK EM’

I’m a really nice person,

KD

Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail

This time there is no debate to be had. I’m going to see this. MADEA is a muthaF**kin fool. I was a little disappointed with The Family that Preys and I went to see it despite my better judgments. Oh, but I know I will get a good cackle or 50 from this one even if there are 20 million interconnected story lines with 15 plot twist. If it’s half as funny as the play I will be going back to see it at least twice and cop the DVD when it’s released.



Support Black Movies and 6ft men in drag,



KD

A Serious Case of Mid-December’s Writers Block

Friday’s my last day of work and I hate to say it, but it’s a bittersweet feeling. As much as I complained and wanted to shoot these kids in the face, I am going to miss them a tiny bit. Yesterday, I told them I wouldn’t be coming back after the holiday, and for the first time I actually made a real genuine connection with them. I didn’t see them as contributors to my misery. I saw them for what they were, young black men and women with their futures right before them as bright as they wanted to be; just like me in many ways. In that moment I knew that I had to leave them with something, something that would inspire them, that would keep me in their minds and possibly their hearts as they will forever be apart of mine. In the past 3 years they have went through several teachers and from the stories that have been repeated to me the reasons the other teachers left were similar to my own. That made me feel worse, I almost considered staying. I knew/know that I couldn’t, as much as I wish I could be here to teach them and help them the best I know how, I have to move on for my own good. If I was a little more giving, a little more self sacrificing I could have stayed just until the end of the semester, but I’m not there yet. On Friday when I leave here, I will be FREE, or FREER than I’ve felt in the past 5 months. Still, I want to leave them with something. I though about buying them all Christmas present but…nah! I sat and thought for a while. I came to the conclusion that I would write them a letter. A letter filled with advice and perspective, nothing preachy, just my honest outlook on the world and how much it has changed since I was in their shoes almost 5 years ago.



Now I’m having writers block. There is so much to say and to be said, but where do I begin. How do I relay this information to them? How do I make it short and sweet, Lasting and wise?



I need help I only have two days left.



Caring about the kids I want to kill,



KD

End of the Year Survey

This is the only reason I miss Myspace. Anybody have a random survey that they want to send me.


Who’s the man or women that fucked you the best this year?



Well, action has been limited, and by limited I mean all the action I did get was horrible. Dry and gross like oatmeal.

What was the best album?



Ughhh ask me next year. I’m still trying to digest all this years music.


What trend was the wackest this year?



Skinny jeans, and big non-perscription classes. LET THE 80’s DIE.


Best song(s)?

Lion, Tigers, & Bears- Jazmine Sullivan,

IfULeave- Musiq Soulchild,

Chasing Pavement- Adele,

Gnarles Barkley- Going On,

Raheem Devaugh- Customer,

Annie Don’t Wear No Panties- Erykah Badu


Worst song?



Take a bow- Rhianan (THE WORST SONG EVER)

Who should we look out for in 09?



Umm… my return to Higher Education@!!! New Jobs. New Clothes. New Booty. New Me.



Sidebar, I fucking love the New Year. I just like the fact that every 365 I can restart (kinda), even if I can’t, it’s nice to think about it.


What was you most memorable moment in 08?



I went to Atlantic City for the first time. I drank a lot. I saw Jill and Chrisette and Raheem.


Did the recession effect you this year?



What??? YES. Trying finding a job or going to the grocery store and spending less than $40.


How do you think 09 will turnout?



Ummm…I’m not gonna jinx it, but Amazing



Did you do any illegal drugs this year?



What do you mean when you say “illegal drugs” because I have a nightly appointment with some Simply Sleep and that one time I got contact high on the way to that play.

What clothing line did you like best this year?



Artful Dodger and I’m always a fan of LRG, but I’ve been looking more high end even though I can’t afford it.


What website did you log on to the most this year?



Hands down tie between Facebook and wordpress


What blog besides your own did you log on the most?



CleverVixen.org (My wife) and Jia.Tv (cause I love me a sassy black chick.)


Best chronic strain of 08?



I’m so out of the loop. I guess …regular.


Best producer this year?



I going to say the best produces were all the hood rat baby momma of the world. They will be doing a reunion show on New Years Eve.

Cadillac Records {A Round of Applause}

I finally buckled and went to see Cadillac Records. I made up my mind not to see it after I heard Beyonce was in it. I know that seems a bit haterish, but I believe that she is THE WORST ACTRESS EVER!!! I would be a real hater and list all her other flop performances but it’s not necessary.



Somewhere between me not wanting to go and me sitting in the Theater, I got lost and actually enjoyed the movie. I enjoyed the characters even more. So much that I came home and Goodled each and everyone; such complex and amazing black musician. A round of applause is in order for the actors that tackled this roles, I mean…they ate. They all deserve Oscar noms. Stand out performances definitely are…Columbus Short, Mos Def, and Jeffery Wright. I will give an honorable mention to Beyonce because she did do a much better job than past efforts, but how hard could it be to be a sassy sangin’ heroine addict. I’m just say that was one of those “insert black actress here” role, but she worked what she had. She still didn’t out shine her male counterparts. I only wish they kept the original songs with out trying to remake them. There is a simplicity to those original songs that sometimes gets lost when people remake them; maybe I’m just a fan of good ol’ soul music.

At work and hating it,



KD

Ramble: When Crushes Cross the Line…

Last night I was having the dreaded only child conversation with my semi-new crush/fling or whatever you choose to call it. I got the same sigh and the pause where they start to think about all those negative only children qualities that they assume I have all in matter of seconds. It seems harmless, but I know how people’s perception of me changes very quickly right after the big reveal. I’m accustomed to it. I have my standard I’m not spoiled and I know how to share speech all prepared.

I remember during my freshman year of college I would lie and tell people that I had an older sister; which I do. So, it’s not a complete lie but I don’t know her that well and can count on one hand with 2 fingers left over how many times we’ve actually shared the same space. I can’t even tell you her birthday. I know that’s she’s maybe 10 to 12 years older than me, has a husband and two small children, and lives about 20 minuets away from me. That is the start and end of our relationship. I’m fine with that.

Ok, I decided to take the high road and tell my crush/fling/whatever the truth.

Me: Well, I do have a sister. I just don’t know her at all, so I tell people that I’m an only child.
Crush: that’s hella rude.
Me: how so?
Crush: If I had a sister, I would acknowledge her even if I didn’t know her.
Me: What’s the point? She could be the mail lady for all I really know.
Crush: well you should try to get to know her.
Me; Why? I would have time to get to know her if I wasn’t busy trying to get to know you.
Crush: maybe you like the idea of being an only child because it gives you a green light to be an asshole.
Me: Maybe….

Then there was another long drawn out pause, this time it was the one where everyone had an attitude but didn’t want to be the first to hang up. Thank God my best friend was on the other line.

I was upset and said crush/fling/whatever for a second because I was sharing which is a hard thing for me to do in the first place. I wasn’t asking for any advice on my relationship matters. Then I sat and thought (big mistake).

I wondered if denying my sister is my own selfish way of remaining an only child?

It couldn’t be. If I claimed her or not, I would still be my mother’s only child. I don’t get it.

I’ve always wished for siblings but not this way. I think about our age it would be impossible to start a relationship that should have been fostered since birth. I don’t feel responsible for her. Not the way I’ve seen other siblings do it, and I know each relationship is different but even so. We have no roots, no tree, hell we don’t even have dirt, just the same shared genes.

Was my crush right, should I invest in a relationship with my sister?

Or…

Was my crush/fling/whatever being a nosey asshole? Was my way ok because it was working for me? Should I just go on as I am?

I hate when people throw me off my game!

Still at work and hating it and confused,

KD

Holiday Spirit.

Who knew John Legend could pull of something so soulful and tacky?

If this doesn’t make you laugh…Heaven help you.

Nutmeg!!!! lls




Oh Christmas,



KD

Real Soul Sunday

Kindred The Family Soul…

Mrs. Obama gets Fly

Mrs. Obama is a well on her way to being an icon….Fashion Icon that is. She has the Industry buzzing about the big “FUCK YOU BUSH/WELCOME OBAMA PARTY” dress. I am a big fan of anything even semi artsy and these sketches by these legendary designers, try to embody the soul of this woman into a single dress for one night. Pretty Fuckin’ Cool.

My personal favorite is the Michael Kors. I’m excited for the inauguration events. I wish I could go but there is no way I’m going all the way to DC to stand a million miles away and snap pictures of a spec. I’ll watch it on CNN with the windows open and pretend.



THE OBAMA’S ARE MOVING TO THE WHITE HOUSE,

KD

Ramble: Because my body aches and I came to work anyway

I don’t feel good. These kids are being extra loud, my neck hurts, there is some thick phlegm shit stuck in the back my throat, and I just want to go home and crawl in bed. I can’t. It sucks. I’m trying to drug myself up, but I’m scared to take anything that may make me too drowsy and fall asleep on the bus, and wake up anywhere besides home. I wish I had a car. Scratch that. Today would be a horrible day for me to try and drive. I can barely make it up these mazes of steps and door ways here at work; traffic is much more difficult.

This is just not a good day. I hate being sick. I that the thought of being sick. I’m such a big baby. I just want my mommy to make me some soup and bring me orange juice with a flexi-straw.

Why won’t these kids shut the hell up!!! Why??? I hope this sickness doesn’t come with a sore throat. I hope it’s gone by Monday. I can’t let this sickness rob me of my big “Fuck you, I’m quitting speech.” I’ve planned it since day three, every since I found out Teaching Assistant meant I would be trapped in this hell because of the damn recession and my lack of a degree.

Who turned the lights up so high? Yesterday you couldn’t pay for an ounce of sunshine; today every single beam seems to be aimed directly in my eyes penetrating the part of my brain that cause a cacophony of ringing noises, that I can only call chaos.

Why me?

Where is my mother, a bowl of chicken noodle soup and darkness and silence? That would make my day so much better. I knew it was going to be horrible when I over slept by a half an hour. I should have stayed in bed. I’m always ignoring the important signals.

There are a 1000 people texting me and are angry that my responses are short un-humorous. I can’t help it. I just don’t feel like me. Lie. I do feel like me, just a me who got ran over by a tractor trailed and infected with the bird flu, but I haven’t eaten chicken in days, and that has no real relevance to what I’m talking about now. Someone save me from me. Save me from whatever sick is resting in the pit of my belly. Tell me that this is not some anxiety ridden disease that has chosen to manifest itself in the form of insomnia and cold symptoms.

I promise, I’ll be better and less anxious and lethargic come the New Years, I have it all mapped out, including my red white and blue skinny tie.

I know I’m rambling, but I can’t sleep like I want to

So, I’ll type until the pain stops, or the medicine kicks in, or its time for me to go home. 

Some people look hotter when they suffer,

KD

Just 3 or 30 more things Santa, I Promise.

I know…I said I would stop with the blackberry. I lied. Sue me.

While Google image searching the cover for Brandy’s new album, I came across a bunch of other albums that are dropping in December that I really want. These don’t even really count as gifts more as stocking stuffers. So, Santa can you hook up?

1. Musiq Soulchild- On my radio
2. Common- Universal Mind Control
3. Maroon 5- Call and Response
4. GhostFace Killa- Ghost Dini The Great
5.Keyshia Cole- A Different Me
6. All American Rejects- When the world comes down

There has to be some sort of sale going on at amazon.com, or Wal-Mart, or iTunes, some shit. Just make sure I get these, and not the bootleg copy.



Thanks in advance Black, White, or Latino Santa…



KD

Real Soul Sunday

The Gospel Edition









**These last two are not full songs or preformances, but are more powerful than any gospel preformance I’ve ever witnessed.**

Maybe Time Heals All Wounds…

…including ugly. When I was little there was no celebrity I found funnier looking than Brandy. She was just blah even to pre-pubescent me. The far apart eyes, the funny sense of style, those dreaded braids made it to hard to find anything attractive about her. Plus the fact that she was squeaky clean. I’m still waiting for her breakdown (even that car accident is minor compared to that of her peers.) Anyway, I’ve been losing my mind over all the new music that’s set to be released this month (another post), and I ran across her new album cover and I must say…

DAMN!!!

Brandy really came into her own. If that’s what motherhood does to you, then I’m going to prescribe that for every funny looking girl I run into, and I’m such a sucker for a chocolate girl. There is nothing else I can say about it…except that it the cover has a super heroine feel to it for it to be called human, although for her to transform like that she may just be SUPERHUMAN, or have a really good Photoshop artist.




PS. Check out her eyebrows. Real SERIOUS. Sorry, I like eyebrows. I notice them.



Crushing Hard,

KD

Dear Santa,

I know that I’ve been pretty good this year, minus those altercations with Ms. Piggy, the bunny face bitch, my family and the new boss, but other than that I’ve been really good. I know I have. So if you could find it in your heart could you please bring me….



I would be greedy and ask for the touch screen but I’m very happy with my service provider, so just this and the cashmere sweater, and a stack of new books. And one more thing…can you fix my credit so I won’t need a co-signer for my school loan????

Please and Thank you,

KD

PREACH…TRUTH

The great decisions of human life usually have far more to do with the instincts and other mysterious unconscious factors than with conscious will and well-meaning reasonableness. The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no universal recipe for living. Each of us carries his own life-form within him - an irrational form which no other can outbid.

Seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes

This is me broken
For months you’ve documented this spiral
Downward with flashbulbs and camera rolling
This is me broken
Same body you praised for hourglass
Now ridiculed as ticking time bomb
There will be no explosion
No million dollar video of rage and destruction
This is me broken
Soft disintegration of will and resolve
I am nothing but human
In this moment
Torn
In this moment
weak
In this moment
A girl who seeks ground soft enough
To sink into

This is me broken

If tears were found
Toxic enough to kill
I would gladly sell tickets
To my suicide

This is me broken
Crazy
insane
Scream it neon from headlines
Remove all empathy and compassion
From your tongue
Forget that I am maybe your daughter
Probably your sister
Often the you refused in the mirror
I am reflection of this need to build
And destroy

Maybe, when death comes
I will be remembered for
Something other than these moments
Origami folded into history
Beautiful and delicate
“Here lies Britney. She begged you to love her.”

Maybe then there will be some remorse
Melted and honey sweet in your mouth
Sing me a praise song
The girl who needed love in life
Fashioned it out of outburst
And fishnets
Or maybe, remember me for the boys
The babies I’m in need of too much
Mothering to mother
Remember me more than dismissed trailer trash
Or spoiled child star
More than this cliché of poor little lost rich girl

I am a woman who bleeds so often
I’ve forgotten what healing feels like

this is me broken

So when the end comes
Barreling down on you like
Expectation and disappointment
Remember me beautiful
Change the epitaph let it read:

Here lies Britney…
you used to love her.

- Bassey Ikpi

This poem is the only thing I could think of after watching the Britney Spears documentary. It was written a while ago, but it always stuck out me. I think it’s the story. I’ve never seen the picture it was written about but I imagine it invokes a feeling of pity. It was the first time anyone made Britney more than just a thing, more than just the walk to class laugh, more than the “did you see what that crazy bitch did?” I read and I wanted to care, then I watched and I wanted to cry for her. I wanted to reach out to her and give her a hug. I wanted to be her friend, a confidant so all the hurt and lonely she had bottled up would be released in a healthy and productive way. Watching the documentary made me want Britney to win. I wanted to be in her corner; her cheering section. Now, I am by no means a fan of Britney’s music, and I don’t think that I will be inclined to listen, because I think it will save her sanity. This is not about the performer. This is about person and our overly judgmental society. It’s easy to point the finger and dictate what’s right and wrong and how things should be done, when you’re standing on the outside. Its also easy to do when the people who lift you up become your harshest critics and take the last bit of humanity and sanity you have. Its easy, when you’re standing on the outside, and I’m still on the outside, way outside.. It’s quite possible that I many never be close enough to that inner circle to make a difference. I’m ok with that actually, I’m quite glad. Britney doesn’t need my support, but I’m pretty sure there is a girl closer to me feeling almost the exact same way. The blues creeping their way around her neck, choking all the life from her, coercing her to do something drastic and irrational. I can be in her corner, her cheering section, her confidant and friend. hopefully, I can catch the bow before it breaks and save her months of years or pain and depression.

I guess all of this is to say, we have a responsibility to each other to look past circumstance and personal prejudices to see our common humanity, to see that we all just want to love and be loved without exception. Because in some strange way I think we are all one or two steps or bad relationships away from being Britney.

Your words become your actions,

KD

Social Activism and the Buzzing BlackBerry

Today is World Aids Day. Yup, December 1, 2008. I am urging all my readers (all 5 of you),my friends and family members that are sexually active to go out and get tested, and do it regularly, not just once a year when they have huge sings and give away free shit. It’s your life, take responsibility for it. I DID and it didn’t even hurt.

And if you want to know…I passed J …or I don’t have HIV or AIDS.

http://www.worldaidscampaign.org/static/en/

That ends the PSA portion of today’s post. Sorry for the double post today. Sorry for all the sappiness. I promise to get back to the old me (whatever that means) in a few short moments….

Ok…

So, I was talking to someone over the summer. Or more like they kept making dates and I kept breaking them. To be completely honest, I just wasn’t interested, and just needed someone to txt when I was bored. Mission Accomplished. When we stopped talking, I was pretty sure that was the end of it. For all they knew I was going back to NC for school and they were staying here to do whatever the hell it was that they did, but as life a is crafty bitch, I didn’t go back. And I’ve been REALLY SINGLE this entire time. Not lonely (maybe a little), but REALLY SINGLE. Not even a prospective booty call. Then I get this random ass Thanksgiving text that I just had to respond to, and now I’m getting textstalked by this LOONEY!!! WHY ME??? Like I was being nice, even though I’m still not extremely attracted to them at all, I respond to text messages when I receive them, but I never initiate; NEVER. I’m cool with texting. There is no harm. But GOD DAMNIT, If I don’t respond to one text message that doesn’t mean blow up my inbox with a bunch of stupid shit. I AM TO ORANGE FOR THAT!!! I don’t need you to stress me. I don’t like you enough for you to stress me! And yes, my motives for entertaining you are a bit selfish, but is this really the price I have to pay. BEING STALKED???REALLY??? If it is, return to sender, and I’ll spend my time updating my facebook status. At least I’m good at that.



IRKED,



KD