Seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes

This is me broken
For months you’ve documented this spiral
Downward with flashbulbs and camera rolling
This is me broken
Same body you praised for hourglass
Now ridiculed as ticking time bomb
There will be no explosion
No million dollar video of rage and destruction
This is me broken
Soft disintegration of will and resolve
I am nothing but human
In this moment
Torn
In this moment
weak
In this moment
A girl who seeks ground soft enough
To sink into

This is me broken

If tears were found
Toxic enough to kill
I would gladly sell tickets
To my suicide

This is me broken
Crazy
insane
Scream it neon from headlines
Remove all empathy and compassion
From your tongue
Forget that I am maybe your daughter
Probably your sister
Often the you refused in the mirror
I am reflection of this need to build
And destroy

Maybe, when death comes
I will be remembered for
Something other than these moments
Origami folded into history
Beautiful and delicate
“Here lies Britney. She begged you to love her.”

Maybe then there will be some remorse
Melted and honey sweet in your mouth
Sing me a praise song
The girl who needed love in life
Fashioned it out of outburst
And fishnets
Or maybe, remember me for the boys
The babies I’m in need of too much
Mothering to mother
Remember me more than dismissed trailer trash
Or spoiled child star
More than this cliché of poor little lost rich girl

I am a woman who bleeds so often
I’ve forgotten what healing feels like

this is me broken

So when the end comes
Barreling down on you like
Expectation and disappointment
Remember me beautiful
Change the epitaph let it read:

Here lies Britney…
you used to love her.

- Bassey Ikpi

This poem is the only thing I could think of after watching the Britney Spears documentary. It was written a while ago, but it always stuck out me. I think it’s the story. I’ve never seen the picture it was written about but I imagine it invokes a feeling of pity. It was the first time anyone made Britney more than just a thing, more than just the walk to class laugh, more than the “did you see what that crazy bitch did?” I read and I wanted to care, then I watched and I wanted to cry for her. I wanted to reach out to her and give her a hug. I wanted to be her friend, a confidant so all the hurt and lonely she had bottled up would be released in a healthy and productive way. Watching the documentary made me want Britney to win. I wanted to be in her corner; her cheering section. Now, I am by no means a fan of Britney’s music, and I don’t think that I will be inclined to listen, because I think it will save her sanity. This is not about the performer. This is about person and our overly judgmental society. It’s easy to point the finger and dictate what’s right and wrong and how things should be done, when you’re standing on the outside. Its also easy to do when the people who lift you up become your harshest critics and take the last bit of humanity and sanity you have. Its easy, when you’re standing on the outside, and I’m still on the outside, way outside.. It’s quite possible that I many never be close enough to that inner circle to make a difference. I’m ok with that actually, I’m quite glad. Britney doesn’t need my support, but I’m pretty sure there is a girl closer to me feeling almost the exact same way. The blues creeping their way around her neck, choking all the life from her, coercing her to do something drastic and irrational. I can be in her corner, her cheering section, her confidant and friend. hopefully, I can catch the bow before it breaks and save her months of years or pain and depression.

I guess all of this is to say, we have a responsibility to each other to look past circumstance and personal prejudices to see our common humanity, to see that we all just want to love and be loved without exception. Because in some strange way I think we are all one or two steps or bad relationships away from being Britney.

Your words become your actions,

KD