Hello World...

Didn't I tell you that spring is the shit...

Ok...I know we've only had like 3 warm days but I swear I feel like new person. I'm almost kinda sorta gainfully employed, but a round of applause for almost!!!!

Look how not cynical spring has made me!!!!! You should get some in your system.

I'm so hyped by spring I went for a 3 mile walk in my Chucks. Not a good idea. Chucks are not walking shoes. They are running around errand I wanna be cool and casual shoes. I have two big as blisters on my feet. You won't ever see them. These feet are horrible. I'm working on a transplant. Anyone want to be a donor? No Really???

And...I have a bone to pick with television! Why is it that when I'm ready to bust out of this cave and start living television wants to put on a bunch of fuckery that they know I'm going to watch. This is not fair. And with my working...I'm starting to rethink this whole active member of society thing. I mean as much as I hate it I was kinda getting use to reading and doing nothing all day.


Not really! kinda but really not really.


Speaking of television...I have a new favorite show...




Nothing makes me feel better about life than watching crazy white people. No racist. I mean...its true though. Not saying that black people don't have mental illness but you won't see any of them on TV. I haven't even seen a crack head on intervention and I know 6 of them. It's just stuff we don't talk about. Black people are missing out on the lucrativeness of mental illness. I mean I self-diagnosed myself with depression years ago. I would go on WebMD and find more mental illness I might have but WebMD always gives me cancer and I don't have time to start looking for lumps. Though I don't think I would mind having DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I would love to black out and have someone else run the parts of my life to stressful to deal with. I'm good with the clean up anyway. I would have 4 alters.

The first one would be Al. Al would know shit about sports, and cars, and would spit and scratch his balls,because I never scratch my balls in public or in private for that matter. Al is also really laid back. Then their would be Kyle. Kyle is uber conservative and a real life black republican. Then...Arturo...the artsy, vegan, sandal wearing, sensitive, hippie, tree huger. Then, last but not least there would be Mark...Mark is all impulse, no sense of direction, no right, no wrong, just is.


Someone get me my own show. or a book deal. Something anything...I'm not picky...Not that picky.

It's so damn nice outside.


No mirror's in my mama's house,


KD

It's Sunday. I have no money. I am the first step past broke. My phone is about to get cut off for the first time in 4 years. Poor. I need a job. Even with my lack of funds I still find money for booze. And no I don't have a problem.Stop looking at me like that. I only drink on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. See. Real drunks drink every day.

It's times like these I wish I got high so I can sit back and play a song and just FLOAT...




If I was a radio that would have been a great ass intro for that song.

Yeah.

I'm also giving up on the whole relationship thing at this point. I just can't find someone who doesn't irk the shit out of me. at the same time I can't stop wanting someone around to get on my nerves.

Like This....





twitty milk,


KD

Ramble: It's 5:10.

I should have been sleep hours ago. I should have went to bed right after MTV decided that they wouldn't replay The City at 11. I don't know what happened. I'm afraid to go to sleep now because I have phone calls to make first thing in the morning and I know that I will sleep until I can't sleep anymore. All this wouldn't be happening if I had stability in my life. It seems that no matter where I step there is quick sand and I am sinking fast. I'm holding on to what little I have left with every fiber in me and its getting repetitive to feel this way and to write it down but I have no other choice. If I hold it it will choke me. I just want a change. The weather has been so nice the past few days and spring always brings forth new beginnings. I'm hoping that something will grow from the dead that is my life right now. The 22nd year will soon be over. June cannot get here fast enough for me. 23. Something new. Something stable. Something tangible. Something worth my breath.

If I said it once I've said it a thousand times. This thing that's going on inside me right now is not living, and I would trade places with a million people not to be here right now. And I know the grass isn't always greener, but the color doesn't concern me.


Tired of complaining but I don't know what else to do,


KD

Every time I visit my blog I always forget what I'm doing and end up listening to my entire playlist. I know I just came to look at my new comments and that was a half hour ago.


Damn I have good taste,

KD

Something To Think About...

I've become a huge book store groupie over the past 5 months. I could spend hours in a books store just looking and skimming through all the books that I would like to read. Anyway, I came across these two blog postings that talk about black literature and how its marketed in books stores. The first post Desegregate Our Bookstores and the second White Readers Meet Black Authors: What is a "black" novel?.

Its funny, because the book store that I like to go to is really small, and they have an Black books section. Its a semi circle and it sits right in the front of the store. The outside of the circle are mostly black non-fiction and books by more established black authors. Then the inside is jam packed with hood novels (and I'm not sure if that's the right thing to call them but, whatever.) And it never occurred to me that the books were being segregated, I feel bad for not noticing. Because in this section they cram books so many books under the label black. And most of these books never make it out of this section unless its by a mistake or considered an American classic. Its even the case with the anthologies. If I want to pick up one on American Literature Post-Civil War I would go to that section of the store but in that same section I won't find an Anthology of literature from the Harlem Renaissance, I have to go to the black section and it would be sandwich between a Barack Obama book and the autobiography of Dr. Ben Carson.

WOW! Things that blow your mind. It happens at the library as well. I know the books are arranged by the Dewey decimal system but all the black books at my local library have a special little sticker along the spine that let's you know that this just isn't any book. Its a black book. Which does one of two things, it welcomes your to pick it up, or urges you to find something less ethnic.


I just brought books the other day too. I picked up 5 new books and spent $60. I know. Baller Right. I got:

A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown (Shout out to my wifey Clever Vixen)
Gentle Man Jigger by Richard Bruce Nugent
The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan
The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros


See, I'm diversifying my reading. Black man. Black woman. Asian woman. Hispanic woman. Yeah


Food for thought,

KD

Getting There...

Some days I just don’t care and I don’t want to understand the world or its motives. I just want to be. Its just being is much harder than it looks. It’s hard to escape the world when you don’t have enough money to go frolic on the moon. I don’t have enough money to do anything and the money I did have I spent it on books. Now Sallie Mae and her fat ass are hounding me because they like to ship cheap labor over to India where people speak English but don’t really understand it, and now I have to pay fees for something that wasn’t explained clearly to me and the only explanation you can offer is “now you know”. I hope you die Sallie Mae. I do. I wish bombs and computer viruses on all your software.

I’m being backed into a corner right now. A corner filled with all the others things that I put off. Procrastination is becoming less cute by the day, but it worked well when things were always moving and not stuck here. My life has become so dull even surfing the internet is boring. Where is my catalyst? Where is my “this is what you should have been doing all along”? Where is school? Where am I? Who am I? Underneath this cluttered existence I fake as a life, where did I go wrong? How can I get to a place where me and destiny agree, and my struggle with religion and reality can eat at the same table? Will it ever be possible for me to stop questioning myself long enough just to breathe? I just want something that I can pull out of the sky and call my own, a something that no one can take from me at any moment an call it something else. I can’t even call myself my own because I’m afraid that whatever it is that’s hiding inside me will be beaten and tossed to the side. I’m not ready for that yet, but I dream of the day where my feet can stand on the ground no matter how shaky and accept that life is about breaking and being rebuilt. I want to consider committing suicide just for the free therapy, just for a few moments to be honest with someone other than this keyboard and my heart that’s always heavy with things I wish it didn’t know.

Maybe today’s not that day. Tomorrow either, but whatever this is hasn’t killed me yet, so I’m assuming it will get better before death really does come.

Brief Updates

I finally got the money from my former slum boss. I'm so glad that I never have to think about those people ever again in LIFE!!!!!And I would say something mean right now but I have money to pay bills and books and booze!

Other than that life has been pretty dry. I've been trying to utilize this time to really find out about myself, and I've learned nothing new.

Well, I did learn that I'm not the relationship type. I just can't do the mushy mushy lovey dove thing. Like last week I met someone and exchanged numbers and numerous text messages and everything was cool. Then we decided to take things to the next level and have a phone conversation and plan a real first date. It only took 2 phone calls before I was ready to delete this person from my phone forever. Are their rules for like potential boo's? Like some guideline for some shit you should just not say to a person that you don't know any well. That was a serious question. I'm mean I can be a tad judgmental but I do try and demonstrate a wee bit of tact.

Let me explain the situation. So me and the former potential new boo were on the phone sharing a casual conversation about high school and the type of people we where. For once I held no punches, I was honest and didn't try to cover up things that I did and or said.In high school I wasn't the nicest person. I was painfully insecure; I was good at talking shit and pointing out peoples flaws. Of course the potential boo made themselves out to be a complete social butterfly and saint. Whatever, like I said I've done that in the past. No harm. No foul. I just feel like I'm at the point in my "dating life" where I don't want to hold back. I'm already weary of any type of relationships with restrictions, but if I was going to enter into one that I would do it honestly. Right. So then the former potential new boo proceeds to pick apart my social life based on this one piece of shared information and tires to typecast me as this over evolved version of my high school self. I was fucking offended!

1. You could have actually taken the time to get to know me on a more personal level.
2. Even if you did feel that way you could have kept it to yourself. Trust me I have my reservations about the person you might be, and I could spill them all right now. BUT I WON'T. I COULD BUT WON'T.
3. WHO THE SHIT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???

Enough about that because I feel compelled to send angry and immature text messages or make anonymous phone calls at 6 in the morning.

My mom is going through "the change" and I guess its heightened her sense of smell and now she's always spraying the house or lighting a candle and complains that everything smells. Even the grocery store smelled like rotten meat to her. As soon as she's old enough I'm putting her in a home. Not really, but maybe. I just pray that this whole menopause thing is over quick.

I need to go to happy hour. I need a fucking drink.

And this is random. I'm really considering switching my phone service to T-mobile. Their blackberry plans are cheaper and they have the new blackberry curve that I want. I will get it as soon as I get a job, that will be my first big purchase.

One more random thing. Who is the person in charge of making Jazmine Sullivan videos. Why do they keep getting worse? Why?

Just look at this one...



Cheap! Cheap! Cheap! This makes me want to go into video directing.


Their Eyes Were Watching American Idol,

KD