Getting There...

Some days I just don’t care and I don’t want to understand the world or its motives. I just want to be. Its just being is much harder than it looks. It’s hard to escape the world when you don’t have enough money to go frolic on the moon. I don’t have enough money to do anything and the money I did have I spent it on books. Now Sallie Mae and her fat ass are hounding me because they like to ship cheap labor over to India where people speak English but don’t really understand it, and now I have to pay fees for something that wasn’t explained clearly to me and the only explanation you can offer is “now you know”. I hope you die Sallie Mae. I do. I wish bombs and computer viruses on all your software.

I’m being backed into a corner right now. A corner filled with all the others things that I put off. Procrastination is becoming less cute by the day, but it worked well when things were always moving and not stuck here. My life has become so dull even surfing the internet is boring. Where is my catalyst? Where is my “this is what you should have been doing all along”? Where is school? Where am I? Who am I? Underneath this cluttered existence I fake as a life, where did I go wrong? How can I get to a place where me and destiny agree, and my struggle with religion and reality can eat at the same table? Will it ever be possible for me to stop questioning myself long enough just to breathe? I just want something that I can pull out of the sky and call my own, a something that no one can take from me at any moment an call it something else. I can’t even call myself my own because I’m afraid that whatever it is that’s hiding inside me will be beaten and tossed to the side. I’m not ready for that yet, but I dream of the day where my feet can stand on the ground no matter how shaky and accept that life is about breaking and being rebuilt. I want to consider committing suicide just for the free therapy, just for a few moments to be honest with someone other than this keyboard and my heart that’s always heavy with things I wish it didn’t know.

Maybe today’s not that day. Tomorrow either, but whatever this is hasn’t killed me yet, so I’m assuming it will get better before death really does come.