Without Permission

Reading...

2009-11-04T11:16:00.001-08:00

These are just a few of the books I'm in the Middle of. My goal is to read one a week...well to finish one a week. I'm working on "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" right now. It's an easy read. I enjoy the complexity of the characters and I'm a fan of any book where the setting is the silent and most interesting character. The only problem I have with the book is its length. I read slow and page number intimidate me. Wish me luck. After that I'll be re-reading one of my all time favorite books "Fight Club", and who knows from there.

Feel free to leave book suggestions. I'm always looking to spend money on book.

Feel free to leave book suggestions. I'm always looking to spend money on book. And if you've read (Or if your reading) any of the titles I'm reading now and want to talk about it don't be a stranger. I love good book talk.

Guess Who's Back???

2009-11-04T11:10:00.000-08:00

Maybe it was me who said twitter would kill the blog, I lied. You should know by known that I don’t know what I’m talking about half of the time. 140 characters is cool for a quick vent, a bad joke, or a “Where they do that at?” I needed to come back here because I was starting to live my life in 140 characters, trying to get to that next hilarious/insightful/bullshit update. I needed to come back here because there’s more privacy. People who follow me on twitter probably wouldn’t care about this small space I’ve carved out for myself here. Even thought I’ve abandoned it. I can admit that. I’ve thought about starting another blog on another server, making a blog that was more twitter friendly. It’s not necessary. This place is fine. So I’m back. For a little while at least, hopefully a little smarter than I was the last time.

Twitter Killed my blog

2009-09-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot about my little corner of the universe. Blame Twitter. I've been good though. I started school again so I feel like I have some sort of focus/direction. I've been writing more which is also good. I started a new blog just for writing. Its not that good but you should check it out. its...

http://kyairewriteswhatever.tumblr.com/

go there give me feedback. Its appreciated. the good and the bad

Do Some Ho Shit!

2009-06-19T22:43:00.001-07:00

I'm wired off my 3rd extra tall glass of iced tea and watching Paul Mooney laughing my ass off trying not to wake everyone else in the house. There is no real reason for this post except I wanted to show this youtube clip...

I've been in a laughing mood all damn day.

Without Permission,

KD

Its June and I'm fucking great!!!

2009-06-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

My birthday has come and gone and the idea of 23 is a reality I am more than ready for. I realized that my depressed like state was self induced around my own twisted view of success and social status. For a 23 year old to work part time at a restaurant while trying to finish his under grad degree is a fate that very few are lucky enough to experience. While this road has had its share of set backs it is the one that’s best for me. I see people that I graduated high school with who have babies, and husbands, and mortgages and live in this world that is still so foreign to me. And to be completely honest I still don’t believe I’m ready to. I like my life. I can say that today without a hint of sarcasm. Of course there are things that could be better but that will always be the case. But I’m happy. Because honestly…How many people really get the chance to take a year off school and throw themselves into the work world for 4 months then another 4 months just reading and writing and trying to perfect their craft. Through all my depressed “I wish it would change” rants I missed how fortunate I was. Really, when I start school again in August (and I’m still not sure whether I’m going to fully re-enroll or go part time), I’ll be ready to do WORK!!!
I’m also waiting to hear back from AAA-Mid Atlantic, I interviewed with them last Monday and I feel really good about it. I am hoping to have good news to share with you before the weekend.

I make no apologies for the place I come from, the road that carried me or the place I currently live.- Bassey Ikpi

Making lemonade out of oranges,
KD

I'll stick with House and Vampires

2009-05-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

House is one of the greatsest medical shows on TV (next to Nip/Tuck). How dare Showtime produce this second rate shitfest they call Nurse Jackie. I tried watching the premier episode 3 times and it still hasn't done anything for it. It will FAIL. They should just bring back the United States of Tara and make me happy.

In other television news...

True Blood premiers on June 14th!!! My Sunday night have been salvaged. Please and Thank You!

Nervous

2009-05-31T11:18:00.000-07:00

I'm naturally a nervous person. If you ask me to speak in public I break out in a sweat, my eyes wander, I tug at my mustache, and I rock back and forth on my feet. This also happens when I'm the new guy, or I'm confronted and not prepared to fight back, or anytime I'm in the club and not slightly tipsy. It’s really sad. My friends all laugh at me because of it. Even when I’m being nervous, I still think I'm actually quite cool, or cooler than the other people I'm around. Maybe I'm not, but I always know when I'm acting really nervous because I get really judgmental, even more than normal.

I notice myself being really nervous at my new job. I'm always on edge. The people that I work with just bother my soul. I can't relax and stop the tugging at my mustache and sweating and eye wandering because I don't trust these people. They are all drug addicts or whores to some degree. I just don't get it. I know I'm far but perfect but any time I can stand in a room and be the most pious person in it...CALL THE POLICE! If you follow me on twitter you know first hand some of the bullshit I hear on a regular basis.

The moral of this story is...I need a new job and I need to learn how to fucking relax in public with out a little liquor stinging my throat.

GODDAMINT IT I WANNA BE FREE!!!

2009-05-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

My 23rd birthday is 18 days away. Normally I wouldn't waist time counting down because, my birthday only seems important to me. A good majority of my closest friends and family always forget and if it weren't for facebook than I doubt anyone else would remember. For this reason I've never really made a big deal out of my birthday. Maybe, my laid back approach to my birthday could be partly the reason no one remembers, but if we were really cool you should want to remember something as important to me as my birthday, without me jamming it down your throat. Right?

Well, this year I'm going celebrate even if I have to do it all by myself(I hope I don't). 22 was not the best year for me and I doubt that it will magical become amazing now that we are in the home stretch, so I'm just looking forward to 23 and when June 12 rolls around I will be ready to party!!!! Everyone is invited to my party. No guest list. No dress code. All you need is a willingness to be Free. Because that's want I want for my birthday "GODDAMNIT! I WANNA BE FREE" (stolen from the Kings of Comedy, but I don't know which part).

Don't you wanna get free with me?,

KD

A Simple Yes or No Will Do...

2009-05-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

I just hate that when I ask for a simple favor that I need to divulge my every step for the last 3 months. If I ask you for something and you don't feel comfortable doing it fine. That's your business. That doesn't mean I won't be upset, clearly I asked you because I thought you had the means to come through. It's not like I come run around begging for things ALL THE TIME. I personally hate asking for favors, I'd much rather do it all by myself, but I am only human and I CANNOT, but as soon as I figure out how, I will grant you an invitation to kiss the darkest part of my ass (that's not a nice thing to think when you need help. I'm working on it, Maybe).

Seriously. I just don't believe that any one person should know every thing about you.Why do people feel entitled to you entire life story? Is it not enough that you know me now (family included)? If you knew what I had for breakfast this morning would it change the fact that I went to work and had a shitty day. And if I did have a shitty day and I just wanted to go out and take my mind off of it and you didn't know about it would it change the fact that we had fuck loads of fun. NO!,It wouldn't. If I come to you and I want to talk about (insert noun) than that's all I want to talk about. Anything that happens before or after our conversation about (noun) is irrelevant, unless it had to do with (noun). Lets try sticking to the facts and living in the present...

Which means if I ask you for a favor that has nothing to do with me going back to school, credit card debt, or my commitment issues don't bring it up. That way when I refuse to answer your stupid ass questions you can't get mad at me for "not telling the whole story, because the story is...I need help and I swallowed my pride and asked you for help. I was praying that you would say yes but preparing for a no. You beating around the bush or just being extra nosey just discouraged me for asking anyone else for help just so *this* scenario doesn't repeat.

Yes, you are invited to the party that is my life, but you do not have access to every floor. It's not personal, it's logical. If I let everyone roam free all over the place there is a bigger chance that something will get ruined and I am left to suffer the consequences. And have you ever tried to clean in a room full of people...Pretty fucking impossible.

To shave or not to shave.

2009-05-12T09:23:00.000-07:00

I've never wanted to work in a restaurant, not as a waiter, nor as a cook, but times are hard and I gotta make it do what its gonna do. I don't know how long this is going to last because the first thing they asked me to do was shave my facial hair.

I haven't been completely naked in the face since I got my mustache in the 8th grade. That's a lie. I did about a year ago for my interview to get into the education program at my school. Either way, I don't like it. I feel all exposed. I feel like I'm about to be black guy number 5 in the line up on Law and Order...Real pedophileish.It sucks.

I'm damn near embarrased to leave the house. I feel like Samson. I need my scruff to face outrageous mutha fuckas in these streets.

...but that money is calling me, so I shaved that shit. I feel naked and young all in the face. My poor poor face.

Scruff McGruff,

K

When random becomes predictable

2009-05-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

Repeating the same tired quote and/or expression 50 million times will not make it true. I could tell you I'm an astronaut until I'm blue in the face and the closest I'll get to space will be reruns of Star Trek. So, for the sake of the people who love you...GIVE IT UP!!! It's not true now and it won't be later. You are far to stiff to be spontaneous. And much to dependent on other people do thing that make you truly (adjective).

You're Welcome,

KD

Halle Berryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Halle Berry

2009-04-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

I know I'm not the only one who thought she didn't have any rhythm.

2009-04-28T18:48:00.000-07:00

Preview Chrisette Michele's new CD Epiphany before it hits stores on May 5th.

Enjoy!

When Life Gives You Lemons

2009-04-27T23:45:00.000-07:00

...make barbecue sauce???

Mother nature must have been getting dicked down right because the weather this weekend was so nice, so so nice. It was so nice that I just had to stay outside all day. I was just outside for no reason, just watching cars pass by. The weather had me feeling so good I decided to spark up the grill...on my own. Before I knew it the grill was full of every type of meat we had in the house...and right before I went to rub it down with barbecue sauce, I realized that there was none. Not a single drop in the entire house...

I was pissed...but thank (insert religious figure here), I'm quick on my feet. I decided that there was no need to run to the store, because I was going to make my own BBQ Sauce. Ambitious as shit. I know. I did Google it, but the recipes I found had to many ingredients that we didn't have. Poverty and Laziness breeds genius. I said fuck it, I started grabbing condiments and spices from the cabinets and them them all in a sauce pan.

It took almost an half an hours worth of tweaking but finally I had something that resembles BBQ Sauce. Don't ask me how much of what I used because I don't know. I just sprinkled shit in there until it didn't taste like Ketchup, Soy Sauce, and brown sugar soup.

THE END RESULT....

It didn't taste half bad. I won't be waiting on a contact from Food Network anytime soon, but yeah.

mother nature got that good good (that's what I heard),

KD

You'se A Nappy Headed Ho!!!!!!!

2009-04-27T19:57:00.000-07:00

Read the screen capture below....Please wait to be offended until you read the entire picture. Or not.

What's so offensive about "nappy headed ho"? Someone please tell me! Is that really a racist thing to say in 2009?? Is that the most offensive thing a white persons can say? My mother who doesn't curse AT ALL even calls people nappy headed ho's. The shit is funny.

I guess this is because they had that funeral for the word Nigger/Nigga.

Maybe it's cause he's white.

Guess that means my white people smell like wet dog joke will get my blog boycotted...

Is there a politically correct way to say it...

Kinky haired African-Americas

Bald headed Negros

Brillo pad head jiggaboos

Maybe it's me...

I think it was a bitch move to apologize. Call a nappy headed ho, a ho! End of story.

FUCK IT,

KD

2009-04-26T18:15:00.000-07:00

I get hype as shit whenever I hear this song.

Peep me 5 seconds ago jumping around my room like I was in the club (something that never happens).

Too bad DMX is crazy forreal now.

Opps,

KD

Thank You For Being A Friend

2009-04-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

RIP Bea Arthur

My little cousin rocks and my aunt is super agressive!

2009-04-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

My 8 year old cousin is now playing Little League Baseball[Instructional]. I promised him, that I would go to as many of his games as I could to show support, because I know how it feels to have extracurricular activities, and have no support. I'm also going because his dad never will, and in a sea of white faces, its nice to know that the only other brown person there is not your mother and a male. I know very little about baseball, I know common sense stuff. I can talk to the coach and not sound completely retarded. My aunt on the other hand is a fucking sports junkie, all my aunts for that matter. She just throws out jargon that surpasses my 5th grade baseball education. It's cool for her. Except she's that extra aggressive side line mom type (You'll see later). I missed the first game because I had a double ear infection, which sucked, but I made it to his second game, and the kid is pretty dope. He runs funny, has zero attention span in the out field, but he swing at pitches like life depends on it.

I took pictures and videos just because my camera batteries were charged for the first time in months and to share with the world because I'm really proud of the little monster.

I'm just gonna suggest you turn your speakers down before you watch this. Like I said my aunt is super loud and aggressive, but I love her, and her enthusiasm for her little brown boy.

More Whining

2009-04-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

I try my best not to get wrapped up in my own feelings. When good things happen to other people, I try to be genuinely happy for them. There is nothing worse then sharing good news with someone and having them dampen the mood with their own gloominess. It happens, we’re only human.

I find that sometimes, being happy for other person is the hardest thing to do. Especially, when our own lives haven't unfolded the way we wanted, planned or hoped for. The most natural reaction [for me] in situations like that is to lash out and try to suck the life out of everyone else happiness. I've done it. And I'm good at it. Not right, I know, but I’m honest, and I’m working on it.

I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the graduation period for the longest time. I knew it was going to fuck with me, and I told myself that I would be bigger than my emotions, more mature than my need to have my life a particular way. Well…Life is a whore, an unfair whore at that. It should be me, with all the work, all the stress, all the never having enough grants or loans…ughhh….I don’t even want to go down that road again. I really can’t believe that I’m not preparing for my senior seminar and buying caps and gowns and all that. And while I’m stuck in limbo, my friends are, THERE!...prepping for finals and post under grad life, and I do wish them the best and hope that they do well…but… me being me, I want to remind them of everything that they SUCK AT! Not right, I know, but I’m honest, and I’m working on it.

To stop myself from letting my little hater take over and ruin friendships, I’ve deactivated my facebook, and it will remain that way until June or a later date. I couldn’t take all the pre-graduation preparation status updates. Seriously, when did everybody magically become a college senior? I clearly missed that memo, and it will be quite a while before I catch up. I can’t beat em’ and I can’t ignore em’, so I’ll ignore it.

But the weather is nice. I’m not totally broke. And I’m alive!

Live and let go,

Watch you hop like a dumb ass...

2009-04-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to realize that individuality is all relative. I can admit that I've pilfered a slang word or two maybe a few fashion tips that aren't the most popular around my neck of the woods, but I've never stolen and rocked them as my own, I make habit to cite my sources. Word to Dr. Kirby. And sometimes its easy just to pick up someone elses habits because your around them for extended periods of time. Habits yes...entire personalities and ways of life no!

It was mildly attractive before with you sharing all these idea and insightful antidote's about a life that you haven't lived. Maybe you forgot that I know you better than most. You scare me sometime with your willingness to mold and change yourself for the comfort of others who are insignificant in your life. I guess anything is better that being lonely. LIES!!!! You wonder why you life is messy and broken...because you refuse to be authentic. It makes we wonder what you would sell your soul for? and if I didn't care for you I wouldn't waist my time. Even though telling you that your perfect just the way you are is a waist of breath...I keep the faith.

I've learned the hard way that pretending to be something your not is the quickest way to amplify the qualities you try to cover up... If I see your flaws than surely they do. They laugh and mock you because now I'm starting to and I should feel ashamed but you refuse to betransparent even for a little while. I promise if you do that it will speak volumes. It's easier for people to look past the cracks when your not trying to cover them.

But I can't save your soul...

I can only wait.

Still waiting...

KD

Do yourself a favor....

2009-04-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

Get into Chester French. They've been playing them on MTV for the past two weeks during the commercial break/ end credit shorts. I only payed attention to them at first because they had black girls in the videos. Sue me. Then one of my friends mentioned they had a decent mixtape. I just downloaded it a few night ago and it's not bad at all. The concept of the mt is pretty dope and it's an easy listen from start to finish which is rare for a new artist.

You can down load it free... here. Give it a try.

On a ledge,

KD

Spring Pick Ups

2009-04-15T15:38:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm employed again I can start to slip back into bad habits...aka spending money I don't have. The bag is not for everyday use, its merely inspiration for me to travel.

My New Addiction

2009-04-15T15:08:00.000-07:00

Here Comes Peter Cotton Tail...OOOHHH and Jesus

2009-04-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

Easter or Resurrection Sunday has to be one of my least favorite holidays, besides Groundhogs day. It's all glitz and glamor and pretending to be happy, and egg hunts, and pastel covered candies. Its gross.

Luckily this year my family is at odds (Its partially because I don't like a majority of them and now subsequently they don't care for me either.) and have decided to have 3 smaller separate family meals instead of one giant one with left overs for weeks.

I really don't care for Holiday dinners anymore. The person that would/could make me excited to attend a holiday function that didn't serve alcohol would be Paula Deen...

I love this woman. The other day I was watching her show and she deep fried a snickers bar, and all I could think was... "This woman is going to hell with a bacon fat thong on."I would let her be my white grandma! Then I would seriously have the sugars (Diabetes)....Wait, I don't have the sugars...working on my fitness twice a day some days but mostly just one.

Is it time for Idol yet,

KD

BlackBerry Writings...

2009-04-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

Just because my phone is off doesn't stop me from carrying it around everywhere I go, it's my crutch and I'm proud to lean on it. Anyway I'm sharing just a few of the notes that Have been in here for ages.

No matter what you say, I already know. I know. I know. I know. Your lips can purr a lie sweet enough to suck the bitterness away from a lemon, but I won't believe you, I've learned my lesson. This time will be different. Fool me once it's just a shame. Fool me twice, and hell, I'm a fool.

Ain't that the nature of boys and girls, to always try and one up each other, to keep the playing field all types of uneven, for one side to try and hog all the goods. Struggling to find out which side knows the other best... when in reality we know nothing, despite all our differences; differences meaning penis and vaginas aren't we all just blood, water, and melanin...

I find clarity in the most unfamiliar places. Today it is in a small cafe lodged between a sporting good store and TJ Maxx. The walls are cover with about 40 large scale dogs portraits. Dogs staring at an open fridge. Dogs reading books. Dogs and toilet paper. Dogs with cats. Dogs with trumpets. Dogs, dogs, dogs. I bet this cafe is owned by a middle aged white woman who has a husband that is to involved with his work to pay her any attention and has children who have long abandoned her and her need to mother to band aide their scrapped knees.

Here in this cafe' I can fit the world in my hands, while casually sipping my cream of broccoli soup. There is something so other worldly about being alone in a place where not a single face looks familiar. I could be the writer I believe myself to be scribble notes for my next article. Or I could be the black guy who ordered the soup, because it was the cheapest thing on the menu, who wants to finish reading The Joy Luck Club. It's truly voyeuristic, for me to watch the people coming in and out of the cafe placing orders, scrambling for exact change, end phone calls, and hundreds of other task that one does to push the day along just a bit faster.

From my corner, I can give them a name. I can tell their story, for the seconds that they are in my eyesight they can take on a dual persona, like the ladies to the left of me, at the oval table, with the matching red tinted hair. They look like 3rd grade school teachers, along with their red hair they have heart shaped pale faces and smiles that could warm the heart of any child that comes within 5 feet of them. They are discussing husbands and problem children over chi tea and blueberry muffins.

At the next table over, there is a mother and her two daughters that are having lunch while passing along a fourth girl, a toddler, with the pink floral printed dress, who refuses to keep still or quiet. They pretend to ignore the rest of the patrons including myself,who keep looking at the screaming child who has more than likely never been spanked in her life. Four opened handed swats right across her bum, because that's not considered child abuse.

Then there is the brown girl at the counter with the perfectly crafted French braid with red yarn weaved down the center, that keeps making eye contact with me. I take this as a means of flirting. I can assure her I'm not, my interest in her is simply because she is the only other brown face I've come in contact with in the last hour. She is a pleasant reminder that that my own skin is grand and made of things the world has yet to give a name to, but her constant staring is starting to bother me. If her reasons for starting at me are the same as mine then we quickly have to find common ground to rest on, or she will just fade into the background of my lunch time story telling.

The clouds were of overcast thick, sticky, and full of disaster. The wind ever so chilly tried to coddle the the clouds into letting the sun come out just for a little while, just long enough to kiss the budding flowers goodnight one last time. It was a wasted effort, clouds will do what they want. They will mold them selves into into unicorns or fall low enough to hug ever curve of the earth.

When the sky has cleared every cloud for miles, and the moon has painted my front steps in its glow, I will dance for you. I will bend the branches of the dogwood tree outside my bedroom window. I will expel my voice into the wind, and beg you to acknowledge my presence. I will put on the most glorious performance for you. I will dance until you return to me sweet heartbreak.

I've waited a life time for a night like this, a night so clear I could French kiss the stars, and make love to my shadow. A night like tonight where there is nothing to fear except day light. A night when beauty refuses to rest and dances along rooftops, wanting nothing more than a familiar face to say hello and join her as she dances. I will dance with her, while I wait for you heartbreak.

She was only wise enough to know him fill of contradictions and dreams
her arms so bruised with time
loves lost
loves forgotten
that she could only hold him from a distance.

But when he was close to her enough
she would inhale deeply and rest her head on his chest
she would listen to it beat with two uneasy rhythms
one for the words already spoken
the other for the words that were guarded by the tongue
that had seen one to many lovers leave amidst his chaos.

She only wanted to sooth him
long enough to kiss him.
Entangle him fingers and prayers
to quiet his heart just for a second
to see that her's was strong to enough free
and secure him
FEARLESS!

Comments welcomed,

KD

It's this house.

2009-04-06T22:14:00.001-07:00

There is something about this house that is choking the shit out of me. I've been trying to stay away from it as much as possible but it seems like when I'm trapped inside these walls something is creeping up inside my and trying to kill me, and I wish I was exaggerating, even with an open window I still can't catch the steadiness of breath.When I'm not in this house and I'm writing ideas shoot from my finger tips like that's what I should be doing because that's what I should be doing. I've written things that for the first time I'm not afraid to share because they won't meet some gold start writing standard that no one set for me, and what I wrote is great. It's full of me and peppered with all the people and experiences I've had in this life so far.

Even on simple walks the world just becomes a much clearer place, like today, while I was walking home from work in the rain, I realized how stubborn I am, how easily I will quit anything that doesn't instantly satisfy me, how much that has held me back. I have quit literally everything I've ever started...basketball,baseball,skating, dance, Spanish club,band, chorus, the list can go on for days. I haven't quit writing though. The results aren't what I expect them to be but its the only thing that I don't really hold accountable, writing's just it for me, and whatever it is, it has stopped happening in this house.

Maybe we've out grown each other, me and the house. Maybe all that was meant to be loved and lived here has happened and its time for me to move on. And this is not me being crazy, this is me removing myself from the situation and truly realizing the truth. It's even caused me to almost hate my mother, and I do love and appreciate all that she's done for me but when we are in this house together I could throw her down a flight of steps and then walk past her and not even offer her an ounce of sympathy. It's just that bad, and there have been times when we have had it out and never have I felt as much resentment for her as I do now, but I know that it's not her...its this fucking house.

Right now, I wish I had a sledge hammer to push through windows and doors because I want to write this and the words aren't coming the way that I want them to and I feel the walls and the floors mocking me. Mocking me to the point where I would set this house ablaze and smile.

I need to get away. Away from this house, away from Delaware, away from any and everything that feels natural or normal or right. But where? And with what? I have nothing but a laptop, a disconnected blackberry, a wardrobe that is a whole year late, and most importantly no money. If I think about how much money I've made in my short life and how much I would have if I just saved $25 from every pay check. I'd have a half way decent saving so I could just get up tomorrow morning and move.

It's that time now were future planning is more important than ever. Shit, I'll be 25 in 2 years. 2 fucking years. I don't want to get there and still be planning. Even if I don't want to plan I want to be in a position where I can just move where the wind and the opportunity takes me.

But it's becoming too difficult to write even when I'm get getting stuff off my chest. This house is not my friend, and no I am not crazy. I feel this and wouldn't tell you if I didn't believe it to be the 100% God's honest truth.

Craving out a piece of history,

KD

Hello World...

2009-03-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

Didn't I tell you that spring is the shit...

Ok...I know we've only had like 3 warm days but I swear I feel like new person. I'm almost kinda sorta gainfully employed, but a round of applause for almost!!!!

Look how not cynical spring has made me!!!!! You should get some in your system.

I'm so hyped by spring I went for a 3 mile walk in my Chucks. Not a good idea. Chucks are not walking shoes. They are running around errand I wanna be cool and casual shoes. I have two big as blisters on my feet. You won't ever see them. These feet are horrible. I'm working on a transplant. Anyone want to be a donor? No Really???

And...I have a bone to pick with television! Why is it that when I'm ready to bust out of this cave and start living television wants to put on a bunch of fuckery that they know I'm going to watch. This is not fair. And with my working...I'm starting to rethink this whole active member of society thing. I mean as much as I hate it I was kinda getting use to reading and doing nothing all day.

Not really! kinda but really not really.

Speaking of television...I have a new favorite show...

Nothing makes me feel better about life than watching crazy white people. No racist. I mean...its true though. Not saying that black people don't have mental illness but you won't see any of them on TV. I haven't even seen a crack head on intervention and I know 6 of them. It's just stuff we don't talk about. Black people are missing out on the lucrativeness of mental illness. I mean I self-diagnosed myself with depression years ago. I would go on WebMD and find more mental illness I might have but WebMD always gives me cancer and I don't have time to start looking for lumps. Though I don't think I would mind having DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I would love to black out and have someone else run the parts of my life to stressful to deal with. I'm good with the clean up anyway. I would have 4 alters.

The first one would be Al. Al would know shit about sports, and cars, and would spit and scratch his balls,because I never scratch my balls in public or in private for that matter. Al is also really laid back. Then their would be Kyle. Kyle is uber conservative and a real life black republican. Then...Arturo...the artsy, vegan, sandal wearing, sensitive, hippie, tree huger. Then, last but not least there would be Mark...Mark is all impulse, no sense of direction, no right, no wrong, just is.

Someone get me my own show. or a book deal. Something anything...I'm not picky...Not that picky.

It's so damn nice outside.

No mirror's in my mama's house,

KD

2009-03-15T12:40:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday. I have no money. I am the first step past broke. My phone is about to get cut off for the first time in 4 years. Poor. I need a job. Even with my lack of funds I still find money for booze. And no I don't have a problem.Stop looking at me like that. I only drink on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. See. Real drunks drink every day.

It's times like these I wish I got high so I can sit back and play a song and just FLOAT...

If I was a radio that would have been a great ass intro for that song.

Yeah.

I'm also giving up on the whole relationship thing at this point. I just can't find someone who doesn't irk the shit out of me. at the same time I can't stop wanting someone around to get on my nerves.

Like This....

twitty milk,

KD

Ramble: It's 5:10.

2009-03-10T02:10:00.001-07:00

I should have been sleep hours ago. I should have went to bed right after MTV decided that they wouldn't replay The City at 11. I don't know what happened. I'm afraid to go to sleep now because I have phone calls to make first thing in the morning and I know that I will sleep until I can't sleep anymore. All this wouldn't be happening if I had stability in my life. It seems that no matter where I step there is quick sand and I am sinking fast. I'm holding on to what little I have left with every fiber in me and its getting repetitive to feel this way and to write it down but I have no other choice. If I hold it it will choke me. I just want a change. The weather has been so nice the past few days and spring always brings forth new beginnings. I'm hoping that something will grow from the dead that is my life right now. The 22nd year will soon be over. June cannot get here fast enough for me. 23. Something new. Something stable. Something tangible. Something worth my breath.

If I said it once I've said it a thousand times. This thing that's going on inside me right now is not living, and I would trade places with a million people not to be here right now. And I know the grass isn't always greener, but the color doesn't concern me.

Tired of complaining but I don't know what else to do,

KD

2009-03-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

Every time I visit my blog I always forget what I'm doing and end up listening to my entire playlist. I know I just came to look at my new comments and that was a half hour ago.

Damn I have good taste,

KD

Something To Think About...

2009-03-05T12:06:00.000-08:00

I've become a huge book store groupie over the past 5 months. I could spend hours in a books store just looking and skimming through all the books that I would like to read. Anyway, I came across these two blog postings that talk about black literature and how its marketed in books stores. The first post Desegregate Our Bookstores and the second White Readers Meet Black Authors: What is a "black" novel?.

Its funny, because the book store that I like to go to is really small, and they have an Black books section. Its a semi circle and it sits right in the front of the store. The outside of the circle are mostly black non-fiction and books by more established black authors. Then the inside is jam packed with hood novels (and I'm not sure if that's the right thing to call them but, whatever.) And it never occurred to me that the books were being segregated, I feel bad for not noticing. Because in this section they cram books so many books under the label black. And most of these books never make it out of this section unless its by a mistake or considered an American classic. Its even the case with the anthologies. If I want to pick up one on American Literature Post-Civil War I would go to that section of the store but in that same section I won't find an Anthology of literature from the Harlem Renaissance, I have to go to the black section and it would be sandwich between a Barack Obama book and the autobiography of Dr. Ben Carson.

WOW! Things that blow your mind. It happens at the library as well. I know the books are arranged by the Dewey decimal system but all the black books at my local library have a special little sticker along the spine that let's you know that this just isn't any book. Its a black book. Which does one of two things, it welcomes your to pick it up, or urges you to find something less ethnic.

I just brought books the other day too. I picked up 5 new books and spent $60. I know. Baller Right. I got:

A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown (Shout out to my wifey Clever Vixen)
Gentle Man Jigger by Richard Bruce Nugent
The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan
The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros

See, I'm diversifying my reading. Black man. Black woman. Asian woman. Hispanic woman. Yeah

Food for thought,

KD

Getting There...

2009-03-05T11:54:00.000-08:00

Some days I just don’t care and I don’t want to understand the world or its motives. I just want to be. Its just being is much harder than it looks. It’s hard to escape the world when you don’t have enough money to go frolic on the moon. I don’t have enough money to do anything and the money I did have I spent it on books. Now Sallie Mae and her fat ass are hounding me because they like to ship cheap labor over to India where people speak English but don’t really understand it, and now I have to pay fees for something that wasn’t explained clearly to me and the only explanation you can offer is “now you know”. I hope you die Sallie Mae. I do. I wish bombs and computer viruses on all your software.

I’m being backed into a corner right now. A corner filled with all the others things that I put off. Procrastination is becoming less cute by the day, but it worked well when things were always moving and not stuck here. My life has become so dull even surfing the internet is boring. Where is my catalyst? Where is my “this is what you should have been doing all along”? Where is school? Where am I? Who am I? Underneath this cluttered existence I fake as a life, where did I go wrong? How can I get to a place where me and destiny agree, and my struggle with religion and reality can eat at the same table? Will it ever be possible for me to stop questioning myself long enough just to breathe? I just want something that I can pull out of the sky and call my own, a something that no one can take from me at any moment an call it something else. I can’t even call myself my own because I’m afraid that whatever it is that’s hiding inside me will be beaten and tossed to the side. I’m not ready for that yet, but I dream of the day where my feet can stand on the ground no matter how shaky and accept that life is about breaking and being rebuilt. I want to consider committing suicide just for the free therapy, just for a few moments to be honest with someone other than this keyboard and my heart that’s always heavy with things I wish it didn’t know.

Maybe today’s not that day. Tomorrow either, but whatever this is hasn’t killed me yet, so I’m assuming it will get better before death really does come.

Brief Updates

2009-03-03T20:50:00.000-08:00

I finally got the money from my former slum boss. I'm so glad that I never have to think about those people ever again in LIFE!!!!!And I would say something mean right now but I have money to pay bills and books and booze!

Other than that life has been pretty dry. I've been trying to utilize this time to really find out about myself, and I've learned nothing new.

Well, I did learn that I'm not the relationship type. I just can't do the mushy mushy lovey dove thing. Like last week I met someone and exchanged numbers and numerous text messages and everything was cool. Then we decided to take things to the next level and have a phone conversation and plan a real first date. It only took 2 phone calls before I was ready to delete this person from my phone forever. Are their rules for like potential boo's? Like some guideline for some shit you should just not say to a person that you don't know any well. That was a serious question. I'm mean I can be a tad judgmental but I do try and demonstrate a wee bit of tact.

Let me explain the situation. So me and the former potential new boo were on the phone sharing a casual conversation about high school and the type of people we where. For once I held no punches, I was honest and didn't try to cover up things that I did and or said.In high school I wasn't the nicest person. I was painfully insecure; I was good at talking shit and pointing out peoples flaws. Of course the potential boo made themselves out to be a complete social butterfly and saint. Whatever, like I said I've done that in the past. No harm. No foul. I just feel like I'm at the point in my "dating life" where I don't want to hold back. I'm already weary of any type of relationships with restrictions, but if I was going to enter into one that I would do it honestly. Right. So then the former potential new boo proceeds to pick apart my social life based on this one piece of shared information and tires to typecast me as this over evolved version of my high school self. I was fucking offended!

1. You could have actually taken the time to get to know me on a more personal level.
2. Even if you did feel that way you could have kept it to yourself. Trust me I have my reservations about the person you might be, and I could spill them all right now. BUT I WON'T. I COULD BUT WON'T.
3. WHO THE SHIT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???

Enough about that because I feel compelled to send angry and immature text messages or make anonymous phone calls at 6 in the morning.

My mom is going through "the change" and I guess its heightened her sense of smell and now she's always spraying the house or lighting a candle and complains that everything smells. Even the grocery store smelled like rotten meat to her. As soon as she's old enough I'm putting her in a home. Not really, but maybe. I just pray that this whole menopause thing is over quick.

I need to go to happy hour. I need a fucking drink.

And this is random. I'm really considering switching my phone service to T-mobile. Their blackberry plans are cheaper and they have the new blackberry curve that I want. I will get it as soon as I get a job, that will be my first big purchase.

One more random thing. Who is the person in charge of making Jazmine Sullivan videos. Why do they keep getting worse? Why?

Just look at this one...

Cheap! Cheap! Cheap! This makes me want to go into video directing.

Their Eyes Were Watching American Idol,

KD

And before I forget...

2009-02-23T21:33:00.000-08:00

I finally got another dog. Although its not the want I wanted it was free and its a dog all the same. She's a mutt. She's part Pomeranian and part Yorkie and I named her Zuri Neale Hurston, Zuri for short. I wanted to name her Bijou but that doesn't seem to be a popular dog name, so kinda naming her after a literary giant is a close second.

Now the dog is cute and we get along fine, but this little bitch (I can say that because she's a girl dog) refuses to piss outside. I take her outside once almost every hour and she will not pee but as soon as no one is watching she'll cop a damn squat. I promise you she's only got 2 weeks before potty training is over and I give her ass away.

I also have to give a shot out to my old pets,

My Goldfish- Uncle Jessie
My Turtle- Race Car

My first real pet and my best friend, my dog Gabriel "Gabe"...I miss you!!! (and if you laugh at that fuck you! I loved my dog!

pissy ass dog,

KD

Quote of the Year....

2009-02-23T21:22:00.000-08:00

Did I ever tell you that I love Whitney Port. I really do. I do understand that its Black History Month and all but if you made me choose between Whitney and Halle...well, Whitney wins hands down.

I was watching The City and on the phone with my kinda not really but maybe boo, when Whitney dropped what I would call the single greatest line in Reality Television History...

This entire conversation is making me nauseous!!!

That's some ill, straight up G shit to say. What???

Note that I will be dropping that in my next argument right before I A. Walk out of the room or B. Hang up the phone.

Long live Queen Port,

KD

Jazmine did it for me

2009-02-23T20:54:00.000-08:00

Damn it!!!! THAT GIRL CAN SANG! The video at the bottom is my own. Yes!!! Just a testament to the great seating that we had.

I really needed Saturday night, it was the first time in a while that I was just able to relax and cut loose. I saw a real live fist fight that I didn't get to record :( . I got to hang with 3 of my true friends, you know the ones you may not see or talk to everyday but you see them things just fall into place. I was really excited because this was the first time any of my friends from NC mixed with my back home crowd and it wasn't awkward. And I found out the biggest nerd I knew is a huge cock slut. I don't know why that's important but it just blows my mind, to think 5 years ago I thought they would never get laid. My my how the world turns.

I know this part is lame too, but I just have to add it in...going out with my friends made me miss school so much. I don't know if it was the dinner conversation or just being on a college campus but damn!...I miss school. I really really do. I just know that after this I'm going to be a huge advocate for Education. I just don't want to see anyone else dreams placed on hold based on factors that are completely out of their control.

I also want to give a big shot out to my momma for being named Lay Person of the Year. I had to go to this huge banquet in this horrible blue polynyloncottonsilkrayonrednyenumber 7 suit, but it was a good time, and I love my momma very much...even if she does have horrible taste in suits.

Dream Big like Jazmine says,

KD

We've Got To Do Better...

2009-02-19T14:50:00.000-08:00

What is the reason for this??

We have so much further to go...every time we take one step forward...two step backs.

shaking my head,

KD

Concert Withdrawl.

2009-02-15T18:14:00.000-08:00

I haven't been to a concert or poetry reading in a good long time. The last concert I went to was Chrisette Michele and Raheem Devaughn in June. I had plans to see Jill and Erykah for FREE in August, but I got super busy and I was broke. I still haven't recovered from that one. But my luck is about to change thanks to my two my favorite people in the entire world. I'm going to see Jazmine Sullivan on Saturday night!

I was worried for a second because my mom is getting some church award on Saturday as well, but it's earlier in the afternoon. I'm glad no one made me choose. Hahaha! But seriously, I'm glad.

Amen! I cannot wait. I really need this in my life.

I hope there are drink involved.

Shout out to Soph and Jas, my friends since forever.

All will be mended with music and booze,

KD

Imma tell you how it ti...is

2009-02-15T17:19:00.000-08:00

There is nothing that I love more than a dirty joke. I never knew that Aunt Esther did stand up. I wonder if she got royalties from Monique and them for their show...

It had to be you...you old cock sucker,

KD

I had a dream...

2009-02-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

...no, not that dream, but a crazy ass dream. Normally, I dream about my mom getting married to a serial killer, me developing super powers, and other craziness as I try to escape the crazy serial killer and try to save my mom. Except last night I dreamed that Michelle Obama was in my house and kept taking pictures of herself on my blackberry and with my digital camera and she killed the batteries on both. Then she showed me the dog that she brought for her girls and told me that she was going to name it Regal Eagle. I promise...I am not making this up, I dreamed it. I hate to say it but in my dream Michelle my bell was working my nerves. She just wouldn’t she was all over my living room then bust out singing negro spirituals and then Rockin that Thang by the Dream, but in her defense she was really down to earth and gave me some great advice about my future. To bad I can’t remember it.

Then I got snatched out of my sleep by mom because the puppy, who I like to refer to as Zuri Neale Hurston (or Puppy Neale Hurston), has the fuckin runs. Since when do dogs get the runs? Now I'm stuck here feeding her pedialyte and making sure she doesn't shart all over the damn carpet.

This is not what a Sunday was designed for.

But I'm glad the tragedy of Valentines day is over. lol. Even though I kinda almost wanted one for the first time ever, but it wasn't all horrible. My mom brought me a present and I had booze so all was good.

I did finish "The Color of Water: A Black Man's Tribute to His White Mother" while trying to stop the dog from shitting on the floor. It was a good read, with some interesting commentary on race, religion, and self discovery. Now, I'm trying to dive right into another book before I lose my desire to do so.

Ughhh damn dogs,

KD

In 6 months...

2009-02-10T21:24:00.001-08:00

It will be mandatory for every college student in America to know the words of this song by heart!!!I don't give a shit where you go to school you can relate to this song in some kind of way, even if your a lame who lived vicariously through your roommate.

SCREAM SENIORS SENIORS SENIORS!!!!!!

P.S. This kid has talent, hope he doesn't become a one hit wonder!

Wishing I was graduating in May!!!,

KD

I'm just sayin....

2009-02-10T21:14:00.001-08:00

I love Michelle Obama Lord knows I do BUT...

out of all the pictures ever snapped of Mrs.Obama they picked that one to put on the cover of the worlds most famous fashion magazine! I just don't know what to say! I've seen better candid shots of her. Hell! I could've picked a better shots just by goolgling Michelle Obama!!!! Anna could have done better. Where is that fool Andre' Leon Talley (or however you spell it)? Come on! Did Barack approve this. I'm sure he would not approve!

I know I don't!

screaming we want a re-shoot!!!!,

KD

In a mood.

2009-02-09T16:02:00.000-08:00

I'm in a mood. One of those why me moods? I'm having one of those days! A day were telling the world to kiss you ass and threatening to move to mars sounds like a great idea. Yeah...just one of those days. I'm having one of those I need to learn to let go kinda days. A, I need to smile anyway kinda days. A, maybe it won't be so bad 3 months from now kinda days. A, maybe if I dream bigger kinda days. An, it would be different if I were nicer kinda days. A, maybe I'm just the person I need to be kinda days. I'm just having an all around horrible day and its got me in a mood. A horrible don't talk to me, Lauryn Hill Unplugged kinda day.

Maybe tomorrow will be better,

KD

Push...Push it real good.

2009-02-05T21:08:00.000-08:00

A couple of the blogs I frequent have been buzzing about this movie from Sundance Film Festival called Push, starting Mo'nique.I found a short youtube clip (bleow) that made six kinds of interested in this movie. Come to find out its based off of a book by the same name written by Sapphire. I'm a big fan on book to movie adaptations but only if I can read the book first. I'm desperate to get my hands on this book ASAP.

Any one wanna loan me $5???

the reader in me,

KD

About nothing and everything, but mostly about nothing.

2009-02-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

Maybe this has nothing to do with nothing.

Last week I was browsing facebook comments as I do frequently, and I ran across this photo of one of my friends and someone that I don’t particularly care for. I wasn’t tagged in the picture, I was somewhere far off in the background. I didn’t even know I was in the picture. Now underneath this picture was a comment from someone who I consider a pretty good friend.
And the comment read…

LOL...look at KD in the background...is that the same sweater he ALWAYS wear to
formal engagements? LOL!

Now wait just a cotton pickin minute! I play a lot of games. I DO, but I never play with my wardrobe. I just don’t, I have some issues with clothes that make me extra careful about what I wear and how many times (I’ve mentioned that several times before).

I commented the picture and I was actually nice about it. I didn’t go full force forward like I would normally do, and only because on some level I did value the bond I shared with this person. I was pissed about the comment, I won’t lie, but I was willing to let it go even though the entire situation reeks SHADY BUSINESS.

So, yesterday I sent shady picture commenter a text message, nothing extra, I was just trying to keep the lines of communication open. You know, be friendly. I got no response. None!

Ok….

How is it that you did me light weight dirty and you feel you’re in the position to ignore me?

When does that happen?

Now, I’m really annoyed and I remember why I hate taking the higher road, but I will continue on it for now, because when I finish this post I will have no more energy to invest in this situation.

About nothing and everything,

KD

Don't act like you've never done it...

2009-02-02T13:14:00.000-08:00

Who really gives a shit if he smoked weed? I doubt he was blowing tree during the Olympics and no one cared that Former President Bush had it hard for the nose candy. It's not like the caught him ass naked in the middle of the crystal meth lab coming down off a 45 day binge. Fuck, my next door neighbor gets high everyday and he's some sort of bank exec or something really high up, and no one cares. Leave the funny looking swimmer alone, I doubt he really wanted to be a role model for your kids, I bet he just wanted to swim and win a bunch of medals and come back home to America and blow trees with his friends, you know, like a normal 23 year old. People have some nerve, treating this like some huge scandal, Its just weed, probably not even more than a dime sack, I'm just saying. People relax.

Better him than me, because I wouldn't have apologized for shit. I would've went to that news conference and acted a plum fool.

It would have went something like this,

Interviewer: Do you feel like you owe your fans an apology?

Me: Nope.

Interviewer: Millions of little kids look up to you, do you feel as if you owe them some sort of explanation?

Me: Make sure you get quality shit. No seeds. No stems. Only do bongs with really close friends and always carry febreeze and eye drops.

Then I would stand up and walk the fuck out.

....I don't smoke weed, but I don't mind people who do. Some of my best friends are pot heads...not you Michael Phelps.

Mary Jane's a sneaky one,

KD

Fuck you Sallie Mae with a rusty nail

2009-02-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

Ok this might come off a little racist but right now I really don’t care. Today I called Sallie Mae today to discuss some of my school loan troubles. I already knew there was going to be some bullshit and that I would probably end my phone call cursing out some poor phone counselor about things that neither one of us can control. I did my mandatory 5 to 10 min hold with number prompts and all only to be placed on the telephone with some woman who could have been from some remote Middle eastern country (more than likely India…slum dog millionaire much.) I swear on everything that I love that half the phone call was spent trying to figure out what the hell this lady was talking about. The second half I was just frustrated because this bitch was not trying to hear me just type meaningless shit in to her Bangladeshi computer. Seriously, Sallie Mae, if your dealing with the financial needs of American College students don’t you feel even slightly compelled to have AMERICANS providing service. No offense people of India, but you don’t even understand the American dollar don’t you use Rupee or some shit and you want me to fork over my credit card number, HO SIT DOWN! Right on down. I wanted to hang up so many times just out of pure frustration. I could have asked for a manager but I doubt his/her English was any better. Cheap Labor Sallie Mae bastards you’re the reason the economy and your retarded brother Freddie Mac. Fuck you both. And you whore mother Fannie, can’t forget about that skank.

Down at 5

2009-02-01T13:13:00.000-08:00

I’m giving myself a bed time…aka I’m going to start popping Tylenol pm at about 10:30 every night. I hate not being able to sleep before 5 and then the getting up at 9. When will this madness stop? Seriously, how many times can I watch the same Sex and the City reruns on OnDemand? So starting tonight, well maybe not tonight because the Super Bowl is on but, Monday I will take the first step in making my life slightly more normal. Once I get the sleep under control I’m pretty positive that other things will begin to fall into place.

Yeah.

That’s it.

KD

25 more things.

2009-01-30T21:26:00.001-08:00

1. I hate people who say… “I don’t have time for drama or bullshit.” These people are usually full of shit.
2. My mother is the only person who can make me cry.
3. I hate having peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth.
4. I think being in love is an addiction like crack. Some people need to put the pipe down. Take that whatever way you want.
5. I dislike sweat pants or active wear period. I feel more comfortable working out in jeans and a t-shirt.
6. I’m in love with Whitney Port.
7. I like to trim my eyebrows.
8. I laugh harder when I’m the only person in the room.
9. Spicy Food is not the business.
10. I hate to see people that are 30 in the club trying to compete with college kids.
11. I hate the word nigga. I only call people Niggers and when I say I mean it in a mean racist way, not a “What’s up my nigga kinda way.
12. Grey Goose makes everything better.
13. I could be a straight A student if I wasn’t so lazy.
14. I don’t want to die in my sleep. I want to go out with a bang.
15. I would rock a Hermes or Prada man bag hard and dare someone to call me a name.
16. I like the fact that all my friends aren’t friends. And not enemies but just not friends. It gives me more freedom to mingle.
17. I’m kinda of a loner.
18. I diagnosed myself with depression.
19. I’ve always wanted to meet Chinua Achebe.
20. My Favorite teachers of all time are Mr. Foltz, Dr. Kirby, Dr. Bowers.
21. I hate roast beef.
22. I’m scared of heights.
23. I almost voted for John McCain just to see if it would make a difference. I didn’t.
24. I watch entirely too much television.
25. I’m having to much fun doing this.

And If you don't know...Now you know...

2009-01-30T20:27:00.000-08:00

I think I did one of these before...but this one is just as fun...

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, feelings, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you or I'd like you to know more about me.

1. I hate walking into crowded rooms. Even If I know everyone there the shit makes me nervous. I break out in a cold sweat and my eyes get to movin all around. This is the reason why I need to drink before I go to the club, and no I don’t need to drink to have fun. I need to drink to clam my nerves.

2. I notice everything. Even when I’m not watching, I’m watching. You think I didn’t notice that dirty look you gave me when I had my back turned…well I did and your mother’s a whore…and no not your mother, but you know what I’m talking about.

3. I’m fickle. Really fickle, and somehow it’s all tied up with me being an only child and semi-selfish, I just like to change my mind and shit. And if you ever called my phone and I just didn’t pick up for 3 weeks. Yeah…I’m fickle. I’m sorry…kinda.

4. I have no sense of money management. I will probably have the worst credit ever, but I will never suffer from buyer’s remorse.

5. I’ve seen every episode of the Cosby show more than twice in my life.

6. I can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. It’s kinda petty but whatever.

7. I hate family holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving because I only like ¾ of my family.

8. I hate washing dishes.

9. I cheated on a spelling test in the first grade. That was the last time I got caught…not that I cheat anymore because I’m really smart.

10. I always hesitate answering my phone when I see a number I don’t know. I’ve prank called 1 to many people in my life.

11. If I like you I can remember every outfit you’ve ever worn. That’s how I keep track of memoires. Ask me what you had on that time it rained and we went to the movies…I bet you I remember.

12. I hate repeating outfits. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Only because when I was a freshman in high school I only had 5 good outfits and I wore them every week. When I got my first job I vowed to never wear the same outfit twice in a month. I’ve been more than consistent.

13. I like to curse. I’ve been cursing longer than I’ve been reading chapter books.
14. I set a car on fire when I was like 9 or 10 and for years I was scared to talk about it because I thought I would go to jail.

15. I would watch Laguna Beach, The Hill, The City, or Sex in the City before I watch anything on BET.

16. I’ve only had 6 real crushes in my life.

17. I don’t like the word commitment. I can’t even type it with out breaking out in hives.

18. I hate my name. I’ve never liked it. When people compliment me on it I want to smack them, but I can’t. I would change it but I can’t commit to any other name I like.

19. I love Asian people. Not Kimora Lee Simmons but real Asian people like Prudence from Across The Universe.

20. I like stealing pens from the doctor’s office. My favorites are the ones that treat std’s. Yeah. Valtrex much.

21. I can’t decided it I believe in Karma. I think I do, but only when bad stuff is happening to other people. Yeah…messed up I know.

22. This is taking entirely too long.

23. I’ve always wanted a Dalmatian named Bijou.

24. I like to DRINK. DRINK. DRINK. DRINK. And no I don’t have a problem because for a long time I hated drinking. Now I LOVE IT. LOVE IT. LOVE IT.

25. I always tell people I’m an only child but I really have a sister. I just don’t like her or her children. I am no ones uncle.

What the hell???

2009-01-29T17:55:00.000-08:00

I love Jazmine Sullivan. I do. I do. I do. I just don't understand who keeps making her these horrible ass videos. I would rather see her standing against a black screen that these cheap ass graphics and mediocore clothing choices. I mean seriously! Her voice speaks for itself. Why are these video's so terrible? Lions and Tigers and Bears is quite possibly one of my favorite songs ever. Wtf is with the cheap ass lion and horrible Wizard of Oz refrence and lame ass regular ass extras. Where is the justice? Where is the peace? Where is a decent video?

Scared of horrible videos,

KD

Good Ol' Space

2009-01-29T17:49:00.000-08:00

I love these damn surveys.

Who are you going to marry?
hopefully not a dumbass and some one who reads frequently.

Have your parents ever caught you drinking?
No, but I’m pretty sure they know I drink. I is grown.

What kind of phone do you have?
I rock my crackberry hard.

Do you like the color green?
No, my mom got a green carpet and we had a green couch. Since then I’ve had a strong dislike for the color green.

When was the last time you cried?
wow! I tried to make myself cry when I found out I wasn’t going back to school. It didn’t work out quite the way I hoped it would. I think I’m in need of a good cry.

Why were you crying?
ummm.

Want to go to heaven?
I wouldn’t mind it. Lol. Living suits me just fine. Yeah, I like living and breathing but I wouldn’t mind heaven.

Have you ever crawled through a window?
What? Back in my younger days, I used to crawl through the window everyday back in the sixth grade, but now we don’t lock doors.

What do you spend most of your money on?
clothes and food and sometimes….well, none of your business.

Is there a secret you've never told your parents?
The hell, I didn’t tell them, and I’m not about to spill my guts to you.

Who was the last person to text you?
Some lame that I have a semi-crush on.

Do you have unlimited texting?
What? I would die without it.

Have you ever had your nails done?
No, but I was sincerely tempted to get a manicure on NYE…It was only 10 dollars. It seemed like a bargin. I might get one.

Have you ever passed out?
Yes. One time at six flags in Baltimore and this summer at the Chrisette Michele and Raheem Devaugh concert.

Who have you texted in the last 24 hours?
the same people i always text.

What does your last outbox text say?
talk to me…

Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can't?
There is always something on the tip of my tongue.

What color shirt are you wearing?
Navy blue

Name three things that are close to you:
my crackberry, remote, big ass couch pillow.

What is the last book you read?
Daddy was a number

Do you enjoy sleeping late?
I enjoy it but I try not to. All the good talk shows come on in the morning.

What's the weather like right now?
Its that biting winter cold that I love and hate.

Who tells the best jokes?
my good friend Chali tells the corniest but the best jokes ever. Ask her about the pancake and the waffle.

Are you proud of yourself?
Sometimes. I have my moments. Then other times. I just want to spit at my own reflection.

Current favorite song?
That ting tings soong…don’t know my name. Remind me to buy that ring tone soon.

Are you reliable?
True Story…I’m fickle as FUCK!!!! I can’t help it. Sometime I just get some fuck it in my system and all the world has to take a back seat.

What’s your favorite food?
bread. Yeah. Lots and Lots of bread.

Have you ever had a secret admirer?
I always wanted one. I might have had one. I remember getting the sexy side eye from a few folks.

Do you like anyone at the moment?
Heck Yeah.

Do you like the smell of gasoline?
I dooooo.

Do you like to draw?
I scribble. I don’t think you can call what I do drawing.

What's your favorite invention?
the internet!

Is your room messy?
yes it is. It is. It is. I only clean every 19th Sunday.

What do you like better: Oranges or Apples?
oranges

Do you give in easily?
I’m an only child. I don’t know a such word.

Are you a good guesser?
I state facts.

Can you read other people's expressions?
Yeah most times. I’m never the person to watch the main event. I watch the shit going on around the right. That has nothing to do with that question, but whatever, don’t be sneaky….yeah I’m talking to you.

Are you a bully?
Sometimes. I’ve been called worse.

Do you have a job?
Next question.

What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
green beans and sketti.

What's your favorite day of the week and why?
Thursday.

Do you enjoy challenges?
Yeah. My life is a challenge and I enjoy that.

What is your favorite animal?
I’m always been a fan of Tigers.

Do you need to do laundry?
actually, yes!

Do you listen to the radio?
I don’t. I’m not in the car enough and I’m really picky about the songs I subject myself to.

Have you ever caught a butterfly?
NEXT

What's your ringtone?
Everboyd Nose- N.E.R.D

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
My mom!

Do you have any obsessions right now?
Chicken Nuggets. I just want them all the time.

What's your favorite scent?
Bora Bora and Lacoste for men.

Do you watch cartoons?
Family Guy and The Boondocks

Have you ever sat on a roof?
no. I always wanted to.

Have you ever been to a different country?
nah son,

Name three things in the world you dislike:
1. High ass tuition.
2.that were in a recession
3. Racism

Name three people in the world you dislike:
1. ******
2. *****
3. *****

Has a rumor ever been spread about you?
Yeah,

Do you hold grudges?
Its really petty but I do. I hold a hell of a grudge too! Wanna try me.

So I'm just saying...

2009-01-29T10:34:00.000-08:00

Kanye is one Prada man bag and a pair of snake skin chaps away from being on the other side of the rainbow. I'm all for freedom of expression and men's fashion...but come on! Your doing to much sir. You look like a scene from Paris is Burning.

Keeping it 100,

Ughhhh

2009-01-28T15:35:00.000-08:00

My computer crashed for the second time in 6 months and this time I wasn't able to save anything...

Moment of Silence for my baby!

I'm way beyond pissed. I almost cried. Then on top of that someone tried to give me a free puppy and my mom said NO! (I feel real lame with that last statement) She was the cutest little pit bull pup you ever did see.

and its snowing. The snow wasn't that bad though. It was quite serene.

adopting dogs and laptops,

KD

Take a Step Back

2009-01-28T13:31:00.000-08:00

WOW! I was on my way to checking e-mail and saw this article on the news ticker.The Article

I read the article and it saddened me. I can't imagine being a child in that house and not knowing what to do. I sit here now and say...yeah I would have ran and called the cops and did this and that. The reality is I could never put myself in that position. Those poor little brown girls and boys who will never know life. I feel for them. At the same time, I couldn't imagine being a parent in that house. I wouldn't have the courage to stand in from of my babies and hold a gun to their head, let alone muster up the courage to pull the trigger. How could you look them in the eye? How could you believe in your heart of hearts that this is what's best for them? I would chose life over death any day. Most people would. Then again, I can't imagine being a black man small children and a wife and no job. I can't imagine having to come home day after day and watch the cabinets go bare and watch things get cut off one by one. I can't imagine them looking at me wondering why daddy? why?

I grew up in a single family home and granted I had more than many of my other friends who lived in one parent homes we still struggled. I remember counting out change and taking it to the bank in exchange for dollars. There was a time when we didn't have enough money to buy gas to heat our house during the winter. I remember when I was 6 and we were staying with my grandmother and my mom was trying to buy this house how hard she struggled. Hell, I remember the worry my mother had when her factory closed down before she opened her home daycare. If I sat down and thought about it I could tell you 50 or 60 more times when life here in our happy home looked dim. I never saw it. My mom wouldn't let me. Even when I was old enough to know what's going on. She never broke but people are made different.

I know the struggle is real. I know how hard it is for families who actually need assistance to get it. I know that the welfare system is setup for the lazy and undeserving. That last statement may have been a bit harsh but its true. I can't name a person I know in the system that doesn't abuse it in someway. I know there were times when my mother could have actually used it and was denied because she made too much money.

I know the struggle is real. My mother only had one mouth to feed. Imagine how a man with 4 extra mouths to feed must feel. Imagine the stress that must have been put on him. And I'm not saying what he did is justified because he was wrong. Dead Wrong. He could have found another way because there is always another way.

It's just after reading the comments on that article they made him seem like this heartless animal. I don't believe he his. A murderer...yes...heartless I don't think so at all. I think he was a black man trying to do what he thought was best for his children. A black man who saw the reality of a failing economy and didn't want his children to suffer. And this is not about making him a hero. He's not by any mean.

ughhh never mind. I'm riding the fence and I don't want to. I want to say he's guilty but there should be someone willing to understand that type of pressure he was under. People are quick to say crazy broke black man or he should have waited for Barack to fix it. And shit like that pisses me off.

I'm going to stop now before I go on an angry fuck the white man and the establishment tangent.

Praying for the brown children,

KD

Rant: Where I Won't Be...

2009-01-26T17:22:00.000-08:00

This is my first official bspot post and its an angry one!

In 8 years this won't be me. Delaware will not be allowed to feed me oxygen. I want my air from somewhere else! I'll fucking move to Novia Scotia. And I love Delaware its home and it will always be home, but I can't live here. I've seen what it can do to people. I'm seeing what it does to people...and oh no it won't be me. I have another year tops in this place and I'm moving to NYC...even if I have to be homeless. Not eating or having steady shelter might do me some good. Might force me to stop pussy footing around. Enough about that.

I'm really trying to learn and love my family and accept them as the people that they are. Easier said then done. They just annoy me. I can't help it. I look at them and see so much more than this...one small town, and simple jobs, and even simple thoughts. I just wish they were a bit more motivated! It angers me because I'm starting to see these qualities in myself. It scares the shit out of me.

I don't want to be here. I had my foot out the door, half my damn body! Life was good. I saw my escape. My way out. Before you know it snap! Someone throws something at you that 1. not prepared for and 2. is completely in and out of your control.

Now your stuck here surrounded by a life you already knew you didn't want and the limited options to escape. It's sad. The people you once admired are now doing the same things and the same way. Where is the progression? Where? In a world that is so filled with possibilities, I can't wrap my fist around why anyone would want to stay here. If I could I would choke it.

part 2 coming soon. Too Pissed to finish this right now.

Moving....

2009-01-24T15:13:00.000-08:00

I got bored over at ol' wordpress so I decided to move, and here we are. Same ol confusion with better shutters.

I'm in the process of moving all my old post here. That could take years or it could never happen. A whole year of blog post, pictures and youtube clips is a lot to fuck with.

Here's the old address

Old Blog

packing tape,

KD

I have a confession…or 3

2009-01-24T09:22:00.000-08:00

I can bake my ass off.

I spent the past 2 or 3 hours in the kitchen baking them. Its for the funeral that I refuse to go to. I figured this is me doing my part, baking for the repass.

I have another confession…

I like Baltimore club music.

I’ve been jamming hard since I finished cleaning up the cake mix.

I’m gonna try and do the mixpod thing one more time. If I can’t get it this time then fuck it.

I wrote a poem too. I’ll post it separate. I think its pretty decent. Nothing award winning. Its just one of those times when I get an idea in my head and I actually take the time to sit down and write it out.

Fuck yo’ couch,

KD

They don’t weep no more.

2009-01-24T09:14:00.000-08:00

My older cousin flew in for the funeral. We play it cordial but I don’t speak that language. I try. I might do a better job if they taught it in school but I doubt they will in the next trillion years. I have another cousin, the same age as me, he speaks that language fluently. I listened to the conversation chiming in when necessary and from their conversation I wrote this poem. Actually I won’t take credit for it. It wrote it self. True facts, because I never talk like this. Either way I liked it enough to share.

They don’t weep no more.
Say tears won’t come like they use too.
Cause a man can’t cry
When another man die
And they don’t weep no more.

They don’t juice and gin
Rainfall to the ground no more.
Times got hard
Sips to precious
Lips need to be numb
Cause they don’t weep no more.
Just smoke clouds and niggas spit.
But they don’t weep no more.

They don’t love they daddies
Cause he left before age 3
So they don’t miss him no more
Never seen they daddies cry
They don’t know real men shed tears
Like grief and regrets.
Wish they could weep.
Let go some of they angry hearts.
Let go self-hatred
Fear of greatness.
But they don’t weep no more.

Leave it for they
Mama’s
Sister’s
Auntie’s
They weep for them
Grow them
Strong
And black
Dream them necessary
Still they don’t weep no more.

Don’t know no direction
Cept down.
Can’t walk tall
If they can’t cry in the dark.
And who gon’ teach them.

A real man cry
And be angry
Learn to ask why.
Till these brown boys do
They won’t weep.
Then they can’t grow.

Until they say No More.

baking powder and inspiration,

KD

2009-01-23T09:27:00.000-08:00

It’s so hard to believe, it’s hard to have faith, especially when things aren’t
working out. It’s difficult and a challenge when you continuously ask for what
you want and need in your life or at least what you think you want and need in
your life, but that’s when you have to believe and have faith the most. Who
knows how the blessings will flow or at what time or what hour those lessons are
going to come….When you give up, when you start to believe again, when you’re
crying, when it hurts so bad, when you’re too embarrassed to face anybody—
whatever—just be thankful because I believe that’s all God really wants from us
is to be appreciative. It’s been my way of thinking and I’m hoping to teach this
lil’ one these things.

- Jill Scott

Amen!

2009-01-21T09:29:00.000-08:00

Running out of reasons to sleep.

2009-01-21T09:27:00.000-08:00

I need structure. I need deadlines. I need more than all this fucking free time. I can’t function. I’m so lazy. So lazy. So lazy. I get up at 11 o’clock every day just to watch The View. Like seriously, that’s the only thing I have to look forward to in the morning. The View. The fucking View. Well today was different because of the big Obama Celebration, which was truly something to watch. Although 24 hours of non-stop Obama is a bit much, I mean playing the same sound bites over and over and over and over and over and over, can be more than one human being handle. With this said, I still watched every second. I loved it. I loved them. I feel like they should have another baby and it would just be magically 22 and me and not mixed with white. Sasha and Malia would love me as a big brother, and granny would be my best friend. We could drink gin and play spades. Papa B could get me tickets to all the big sporting events (if I liked sports). Mama Michele could read my bed time stories and help me with my financial planning and I could go to an Ivy League school. Yeah. I like that idea. So God, if you’re reading…. Ummm… hop on that, like ASAP.

Yeah…what was I talking about????

Right, I need something to do. I need school. I can’t deal with this. I work better when I have stuff to do. It’s hard to procrastinate when there is nothing else you should be doing. I’ve tried finding a job, but I feel like I’m to qualified to flip burgers and shit, and I really don’t want to. I want a nice comfy office job. I don’t even have to like it. I just want to make a decent salary, find some local friends, and join a club (or something). I should buy a gym membership but, that requires money that I just don’t have. I wish life was like Juno (the movie) all witty and folk music. That would be nice.

No really, does anyone have a life that they are not using? I can’t be one of those people who get trapped in their parent’s basements and never leave. It’s not what I’m breathing for.

Can someone give me a deadline? I work well under pressure.
FUCK I MISS SCHOOL! Seriously, I want to become a professional student. Is that possible? Its either that or finding a way to get adopted by the Obama’s. Hell, I’ll take the Palin’s. (haha fuck that, I don’t eat moose meat. )

Save me from myself,

KD

Have you ever…

2009-01-20T09:37:00.000-08:00

heard your abc’s like this….

taken from Mrs. Badu’s twitter page.

Zombie pussy,

KD

A moment of silence…

2009-01-19T09:39:00.000-08:00

On the eve of President Obama’s inauguration, I want to take a moment to honor the memory of a man that was truly EXTROIDNARY! I remember reading his letter from Birmingham Jail and being floored by how present he was in that letter, how meticulously his words were placed, and how dedicated he was to the good fight. One of my favorite lines of the entire letter Dr. King says…

”We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. Never again can we afford to live with the narrow, provincial “outside agitator” idea. Anyone who lives inside the United States can never be considered an outsider anywhere within its bounds.”

It’s that very line that made me become interested in politics and I believe that it’s that very line that made it possible for Barack to become President. Yes, he is the first and millions of black Americans can stand on his shoulders and be proud, I know I am, but it is his understanding that we are ALL AMERICAN, that will make him an excellent President.

We remember Dr. King for the I Have a Dream speech and we praise him as a great black leader, but I don’t think we acknowledge him for being a great advocate of democracy and an extreme believer in the people of America. This country. My country. Our country

It’s a shame Dr. King was taken from us soon, but I think in my heart of hearts it was for the best. Dr. King provided us with the tools and the dream. Now it is up to us to continue to the fight. It cannot stop here. Barack is not the answer. It took 50 years for Barack to happen and we have built some momentum. We can’t let it die now. We have to keep pushing forward. Keep striving for more. Keep living the dream.

Hopeful,

KD

Ramble:Small Town Living.

2009-01-18T09:41:00.000-08:00

I hate small town living. When I was in high school I loved it. Lived for it. Now, its just too much. Because of my brief hiatus from school I’ve been hiding out, only going to work and a few selected family gatherings. Every time I go out I remember why I hate it so much. It’s because I always get asked the same question “How’s school going?” Ahhhhh. If I could punch every old all person who ask me that! School is not going. Thanks for making me feel smaller. It would be all the same if I walked up to them and asked…Hey, how’s that life threatening tumor going? Ya know? Like I’m pretty sure you know I’m not in school because when you call the house 7/10 times I pick up the damn phone. Anyway. Its not about old people. I really do love them. This is about my mother and her need to send me on store runs.

1. I hate going to the store. I do. If I’m not getting anything I don’t care!!

2. She always wants some shit that’s not regular. Like the moss that grows on the under belly of a cow.

3. Its always at the 1 or 3 stores I hate to go into because there is the greatest chance I will run into someone I know.

4. It takes 30 min. to work up the courage to go to the store. Then another 30. to get fresh because I feel the need to over compensate for not being in school, so I can’t look like anything that resembles a bum.

5. I always one into one of the 8 people I was horrible two in high school.

6. They have 5 kids and I have to pretend that it’s the best thing to ever happen to them.

7. I can never find what the fuck I’m looking for because normal stores don’t sell the shit I was sent to get.

8. I’m forced to go to another grocery and look for the same shit and run into another person I have no desire to see.

9. When I want someone to talk with me on the phone so I can look to be in a rush, none of my so called friends want to answer the phone.

10. I always get in the longest slowest line in the store.

This just happened to me a half hour ago. Except this time, I had to go to fucking Wal-mart. Did I mention that we have the biggest Wal-mart on the fucking east coast? Filled with people I know and again HAVE NO DESIRE WHAT SO EVER TO SEE. I’m walking the isles all dressed up crackberry in hand like I had a busy and productive day, when the reality is I’ve only been up since a little after noon.

I tell you this is horrible. I don’t know when I got like this. The things I do to not appear like a bum. I’m not a bum. I’m really not. I read books and blog and several other things that don’t care to say right now.

Now, I’m blogging in a perfectly good outfit that I can’t take off because I know that in the next hour I will be sent on another store run.

My outfit is better than yours,

KD

I can’t cry for you.

2009-01-17T09:43:00.000-08:00

I wrote this Friday. Just posting it late.

This morning sleep was good, real good. Then after I shut my phone alarm off and tried to find sleep again my mom busted into my room. Her face wet with tears screaming in a high pitch tone that my older cousin died. Not being fully awake, I can only react to her tears, and the sight of my mother crying triggers something in me and I feel the tears beginning to swell in my eyes. I quickly dress and follow her up the stairs from out basement to the first floor. She sits on the edge of the sectional couch and tells me how she needs to go be with my aunt and how the rest of my family had been notified. I’m still not hearing the news, just reacting to her tears. I told her that I would watch the daycare children while she went to my aunts house to console her and being their grieving. I stayed back and in the noisiness of this house and these kids I tried to remember my cousin. I couldn’t. Therefore I can’t grieve. I feel so indifferent it’s ridiculous. And I know that I’m that I’m going to get dragged to the funeral with a bunch of mourning, and I’d really rather not. Selfish, maybe.

I’ve said it before. I think the worst thing you can do is pretend to grieve for a person you don’t know. This cousin was so distant I can’t tell you his dad’s name off the top of my head. His name could be Blue. What do I do at the funeral? Walk up to him and be like sorry for your loss cousin Blue. That’s some bullshit. What can you say to a grieving parent, to let them know you feel for them? I don’t even know what to say to my mother and she only lost a cousin. It sucks. I don’t want to seem selfish. I just don’t trust the motives of people grieving.

When I was going into my sophomore year of high school a childhood friend of mine died. At the time of his death we weren’t on speaking terms. If you’ve read this blog more than once, you will know I’m not the nicest person when I mad, and we had been beefing off and on since the 4th grade. Truth be told me were more enemies than friends. So when he died I was crushed. Just a few days before he died we on the verge of trading blows during a 4th of July party. Then when I found out he died, I was wishing he was still around, but I didn’t like him. Everyone kept trying to console me like I was some great friend to him. I felt like a phony. I couldn’t stop the tears from coming, but I knew that some of them were from guilt. I felt guilt because I’d been so nasty. And it seems like yesterday but it was 7 years ago, and I still beat myself up about it. Like I should have gotten up at the funeral and said that when he died he was not my friend. I didn’t I sat there crying. My tears were real just like everyone else. They were filled with memories both good and bad, and the realization that life is really short. Sometimes much shorter than others. Then during the course of the service another mutual friend of ours got and spoke on about his life. I know for a fact that her relationship with him was much like mine, on again off again. Yet, she stood at that podium pretending that if he had a choice in the matter that he would have chose her. I didn’t believe it even for one half of a second.

And from that moment I hated funerals, everything about them. I never go unless I the person in someway made a lasting impression on my life. I will never go to a funeral for a friend of a friend, or a distant 3 cousin, or my mother’s high school boyfriend.

I don’t plan on going to this funeral. If I do go it will only be to hold support my mother. I don’t know how close they were but it was enough to bring her to tears and, when cries I need to be there.

Standing my ground,

KD

Is there another under the sound of my voice…

2009-01-17T09:42:00.000-08:00

that is not excited to see Notorious the movie??? I’m not and unless someone else pays my way I don’t think I will be going either. I do have a tremendous amount of respect for Biggie as a rapper. I do. This is not a hater post. I just don’t see the point in paying 10 dollars to see this movie when BET and Vh1 have already done umpteen million specials about it. Every time you turn on the Tv there is a commercial. Too much. Media overflow. I will give credit where credit is due. The guy they chose to play him does have an uncanny resemblance to Big, and they have Anglea Basset as his mother. I love his mother. I’ve never met her, but in all of her interviews she has the sexiest island accent ever. She looks like someone I know, and even that is not enough for me to go see it.

Let me know if I’m wrong.

and before I go…I do have one hater comment. Who in the sam hell let a skilled actor like Derek Luke play Diddy? Come on. I’m gonna need Mr. Combs to come down off his high horse, just for a second.

venting,

KD

Damn Birds….

2009-01-16T09:47:00.000-08:00

True Facts: I’ve never been on a plane. Ever! In 2009. Crazy.

Anyway, sitting here watching the news about the US Airways plane that crashed into the Hudson River only makes me want to fly more. I I’m sorry it does. My mother is scared to fly on planes and most of the older people I know have this intense fear especially after 9/11, but not me. I still want to see the world, mainly Australia (even though I heard they don’t care for the coloreds, but my cousin lives in Boston and I don’t think they are to fond of us there either).I can’t wait to book my ticket. Hell, I would even work on an air plane. Ha! You think some birds flying into an engine can stop me. Fuck you birds. I bet it was a flock of pigeons. Damn rats with wings.

Maybe I’m crazy but, I just think that’s a cool ass story to call and tell somebody.

“Hey, my plane is gonna be a little late. We hit some birds and landed in the Hudson River. Tell Marge to save me a plate. “

I am glad that everyone made it out safe.

The news still made me think about death. In situations like that many times the outcomes aren’t as “happy” and in a situation like that I can only imagine the thoughts of the crew and passengers. What do you think about or say when faced with your own mortality? On that slow decent into the water do you finally give all your burdens to whomever you worship? Do you say a prayer for those you will leave behind? And, what do you do after the fact? Once you realize that it was a false alarm, do you….I dunno.

I hear people say they want to die in their sleep, and how many people are lucky enough to choose. It was up to me I wouldn’t want to die in my sleep. Hell Nah! Not me. I was born during one of the biggest floods in Delaware history. Damn it! I want to go out with a bang. A blaze of glory. Give me a plane crash. Something! Let me get hit by a meteor. I’ll even take assassination. Just don’t burn me!

Yes, I do realize that my pervious statement might sound a little crazy.

But you’re crazy too,

KD

2009-01-16T09:45:00.000-08:00

In honor of American Idol, I want to share what I consider to be of the best performances ever on the show and I’ve only not watched one season (The last one).

I dare you to tell me she didn’t sing the ass of that song.

Liar!

Kd

Token, Token, Token!

2009-01-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

First Let me say that I know that black are all kinds. I know that for a fact. However, in watching reality television as I do often, I notice that they like to cast what I like to call the token.

Like right now, I’m watching Bromance. This black guy with the mini dread lock shits. TOTAL TOKEN!

or the black girl with the big boobs from the real world. TOKEN!

FLAVA FLAV…Come on. and no I don’t care that he was part of public enemy! TOKEN!

Jill Scott said it best…

Hop Skip Jump Dummy
Do that dance they like to see
But it won’t be me.

I don’t wear tap shoes,

KD

Rant: Just give me my fucking money!

2009-01-13T09:55:00.000-08:00

Why???

How is it that I have still not received my final paycheck from that horrid ass job and that crooked ass preacher? I’m so sick of sending fucking e-mails. This man has really me damn near whoring myself, for a couple hundred dollars. Why must I hound you for whats lawfully mine? Why all the aggravation and insults? Just give me my damn money. Every time he pisses me off I come here and curse and act a nigga. I’m trying to hold composure and be mature, but I really want to fight this nigga, straight up. Bash his shit in! 09 should not have started like this. The bullshit just keeps building up. I need a shovel and a job to make this shit less annoying.

Keep hydrated,

KD

Ahhh….

2009-01-13T09:52:00.000-08:00

One more for tonight….My boo is knocked up. I don’t even know what to say. Saw III is playing in the background, I’m all fucked up over my money woes, and now this! What the hell. I mean I’m happy for her. She will be one of those cool hip moms. One that would listen to your music and still bust your ass! In case you didn’t know…the boo in question is Jill Scott.

Congrats Jill and the lucky man that knocked her up.

GoodNight,

KD

Ramble: I was gonna write the first thing that came to my mind and ended up asking stupid ass questions.

2009-01-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

Why is Chinese food the devil? and by devil, I mean why do I crave it all the time.

and Orange juice.

I need to find time to watch Slumdog Millionaire and Vicky Christina Barcelona and The Accidental Husband.

I need to find time to find another job.

Question: When someone deletes you as a friend on facebook, does it hurt your facebooks feelings?

Question 2: Who really cares?

Question 3: When did twitter get all fancy?

Question 4: Does calling my BlackBerry a CrackBerry make it any less addicting?

Question 5: When is spring going to get here?

Question 6: Why do Church people have so many meeting?

Question 7: How many times can you miss church before you are no longer considered a Christian?

Question 8: Who wants to be my happy hour buddy?

Question 9: Is it 10 yet? I’m ready for more WHITNEY PORT.

Question 10: Is it wrong to love a white woman I never met this much? Will I get gunned down? You know how popular that is these days with the pigs.

Whatever, Whatever,

KD

One Semester Painful, Two Equals Death

2009-01-11T10:04:00.000-08:00

Right now I should be on some overcrowded Amtrak train with about 6 oversized pieces of luggage. Inside these pieces of luggage rest my entire life, or the one that I’ve seemingly pieced together over the past 4 years. I should be awaking from my second or third nap and we should be somewhere outside of DC. There should be about 5 or 6 people that I can spot that look to be on the same journey I am. My phone should be flickering with text messages and voicemails of my friends telling how excited they are for me to get back and how me must celebrate our first night back after we unpack. Or maybe, I should be watching some illegally downloaded movie on my laptop to drown out the sound of the annoying middle aged white lady who wants to tell me her life story. I probably pretended to be slightly interested until Baltimore, and that’s where I settled into my first nap. My second nap would have started around the DC engine stop.

My ass starts to hurt from sitting so long somewhere around Richmond. That’s my cue to hit the snack car, which is at the complete opposite end of the train. I hate walking the train. I can never seem to keep my balance. My knees always lock too tightly and I fall, a minimum of 8 times. I make it to the snack car with only 5 dollars in cash. I always spend it all. 5 dollars will get you chips and a can soda. You can’t argue with those reasonable Amtrak prices. I make it back to my seat safely, eyeing maybe 3 reasonably attractive people on my way there.

Once the snacks are gone, I reach for my head phones and plug myself into to a masterfully crafted playlist that took me hours to make. Recline the stiff seat engraved with my ass print and try to zone out. Try to ignore the nervous that’s making my stomach rumble. The nervous that is making my toes tingle with that pee pee feeling. As hard as I try, ignoring it never makes it better. Just makes it more intense. There is always this type of anxiousness that I’ve only felt on the way back to school on the Amtrak train. On this six hour ride between the naps, and the movie, and the lady who snores, there is only time to think about what the semester will bring. What memories will carry over, which ones will be forgotten, and if any new ones will be made. And in my mind, its this big Broadway production with sex, lies, scandal and a happy ending. A 4.0 is the best happy ending you can get. The music is not helping that. It’s just providing the soundtrack for this nervous Amtrak fantasy. My legs begin to feel heavy. So I twist and turn and stretch as much as this space shared with this middle aged hag who beings to annoy me more with every snore she exhales. I want to push her to the floor. I wish I remember what stop she got said was hers. Maybe the next one?

The conductors keeps passing, they never have any answers. I wish they were more like first class flight attendants. I could really use a vodka tonic. It wouldn’t cure this anxiousness, but maybe it would make my legs lighter and put me to sleep again. To bad they don’t. Old ass men. Grey ass beards. One of them stops and informs our car that we will be an hour late to our destination.

Great, just what I need, a 7 hour train ride with these feelings stuck in my gut, my brain and now my fingertips. I need to write. I pull out the ratty composition book that I only use for train rides with the words “Without Permission” scribble across the top in bold graffiti style letters. I find a page that wasn’t scribbled on and begin to write about things that are of no concern to me right now. I write of love and heart break and death. I should be writing about being nervous or depression or insomnia. It always harder to write about what’s right in front of your face. I write anyway. I try to scribble stanzas about the sleep I know I’m going to lose. Or the way I know my stomach will Boy Scout knot it self into something dangerous. It’s always this same.

This ride. This fucking Amtrak ride. It never gets easier. It never gets harder either. It’s just always the same. The same.

Right now I should be on that train. I’m not. I’m still in my bedroom wondering why I didn’t push myself to get up and go to church. Wondering why there was no college fund, wondering how much money was wasted on heroine and crack binges, wondering why a father wouldn’t want more for his boy, wondering if I’m the only one who believes in this dream that I’ve busted ass to make a reality.

I wonder if they know how much I would give up so much for the nervousness of that ride right now. That fucking Amtrak ride. I would give so much. That ride, as nerve racking as it was, was good for me. It was apart of me that I could cling to with out feeling guilty. At the end of that ride, no matter how much my ass hurt, or how heavy my legs felt, I knew that opportunity was waiting at the other end. It welcomed the challenge of a new semester, but not this semester, or the last one. Regretfully, this semester I only welcome the challenge of throwing myself back into the “real world”. Becoming part of the working force, trying to scrape and dig and save my way back into a new semester, a semester closer to graduating, and becoming the adult I believe myself to be.

Ramble: Enough is Enough. Black life is worth more…

2009-01-11T10:01:00.000-08:00

I’m sitting here in tears after watching this video played out. I could barely stomach to watch if a first time, but I needed to see it again just to make sure I saw what I thought I did.

This makes me fucking sick. It makes me feel unsafe. It makes me hate police and not trust them. I was one of those people who couldn’t understand my friends from Philly,New York, or other urban areas had such disdain for police. I grew up in a largely white suburban community. I didn’t know things like this. Hell, for sometime I almost defended police. Blame it on being young and thinking that the world was a better place.

When its open season on all black men, there is no justice, when we can be gunned down execution style, in a public train station, we are not equals. We are nothing but cattle. Target practice for police men who have this deep seeded hatred for black men that they can’t even understand.

If something is not done about this, I might seriously move to Canada. There needs to be a change. There needs to be a greater value placed on the life of black men. We are not disposable nothings. We are son, brothers, and father. We have every right to be here and breath and make mistakes with out wondering what speeding ticket will equal our death. I should be scared to go to the mall with 5 or 6 of my friends and be considered a gang.

I shouldn’t hold resentment for my white friends because they will never understand what this means. This is more than just some sad 6 o’clock news story. This could have been me. This could have been any random brown face boy out celebrating the joys of seeing a new year. It didn’t have to end like this. There probably wasn’t a need for it in the first place.

Black life is not sacred here and it’s a shame. It’s a damn shame. In a country where Barack Obama can happen, he could still be shot down for no other reason than being a black man.

Rest In Peace…Mr. Oscar Grant

No more words,

KD

Something is off…

2009-01-08T10:09:00.000-08:00

Its obvious that I am a fan of Mr. Obama… but something about these picture is just off…

2009-01-08T10:05:00.000-08:00

VS.

Right now I really want to watch the season premier of the Real World Brooklyn, but in an attempt to spend more time with my mother, and to avoid being alone so I don’t have to think I will be watching Tyler Perry’s new show Meet the Browns. Damn that Tyler Perry. I know that MTV will be replaying the same episode for the rest of the night but there is nothing like the first time. Pun intended. Please believe…If I don’t laugh at one joke during the first segment of Meet the Browns, I’m leaving. Never mind.

Next week the Real World will win. I can only bond with my mom so much when I’m blogging and she’s on the phone complaining about church affairs with my aunt.

Real Soul Sunday

2009-01-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

The blue eyed soul edition

Amazon.com…I hate you.

2009-01-04T10:12:00.000-08:00

Why must your shelves be filled with things that I want but can’t afford? Why did you let me spend 50 dollars on books that I could have picked up for free from the local library?
Word to the wise… never browse amazon when your bored on a Saturday afternoon. I’m so pissed at myself right now. I just spent money that I didn’t have on books that I didn’t need. Seriously, I have 5 overdue library book in my possession right now that I still have yet to read and I could probably knock them all out in two weeks if I put my mind to it.

Reading like there is no tomorrow,

KD

NYE SNAP SHOTS

2009-01-02T10:28:00.000-08:00

I Get Out {Final Blog of 2008}

2008-12-30T09:51:00.000-08:00

2008 is going to end the same way it started, with a kiss of depression and a hug of insomnia. So, while I’m excited for a new year and new possibilities, I am still weary and fear full as any semi-sane person should be. I’m going into 2009 carrying regrets heavy enough to crush me, heavy enough to leave me right where I don’t want to be. This past year has been a struggle, even when I’ve hid it behind witt or drinking, or facebook status updates, most days have been more of a struggle to get out of bed than you will ever understand. I let the world kick my ass. I let whatever was holding me down win. I was not myself this year. I was this complacent person walking around aimlessly pretending not to notice that life was happening. In 2009 this complacency will have to die, and so will this laziness, this defensiveness and this fear of being an amazing smiling person filled to the brim with love of self and the world around. The sad part is, as I sit back and read old postings I saw my world slipping away from me, clear as day, and I did nothing. I lied to myself. I told myself that by pushing forward, I would be ok, that everything would work it self out in the end. I was passive as hell. That has to die as well. I could have stopped this in April, or March, or that day that depression crept down my throat and Boy Scout knotted my stomach into vomit and tears. I could have done something then. I didn’t and I’m pissed at myself. I didn’t have to be here, and I know this is less about fate and more about being proactive. I could have played a bigger role in my own life, I didn’t have to let world dictate what I did or how I did it. I could have been the voice, the force that pushed me out. And I still have to be. I can’t quit. Quitting is death. I’m not there yet. I’m slowly waking up from this coma of complacency. Standing up, Being the adult that I need to be, not the one I pretend to be. 2009 will be the year of accepting responsibility. Fixing all that’s broken and mending it with tears and forgiveness, instead of empty promises and sideways smiles. 2009 will be a year of healing, of new beginnings. Whatever that means… I will not be that person again. He dies. Right here and right now, and tomorrow I will party, dance, drink, cry and hug. And yes when January 1st rolls around I will wake up the same person. This skins, these finger and toe nails, and this stiff ass knee, but I will not think nor walk the same. I cannot sit back and watch opportunity and life sleep right out of my hands. I know it’s easier said than done, so I won’t call these resolutions. I’ll call them things that need to change if I want to survive and I do. I will. I have. I’ve mad it through another year, and I am so thankful for that. I thankful for this chance to reflect on opportunities not taken, and tears not cried, and relationships not mended.

Despite all my sadness and my need to change, there are things about this year that I am quite grateful/thankful for. I am thankful for the progresses I’ve made in of spite all of my short comings. This year I’ve dedicated myself to writing more, and I committed to it, and I’m proud of the out come. The only thing I’ve committed to in years. That’s a lie. I’ve committed myself to my friends and I’ve fell in love with each and every one of them all over again, and to them I owe so much. They’ve allowed me to love unconditionally again, and that’s something I never saw for myself again. I’m grateful for my family even when we refuse to accept our stubbornness, and fight and bicker to no end. I’m grateful to my God because this year, I questions him, and cursed him, and damn near turned my back on him, and through it all he’s kept me. I know he has, and I believe it with every ounce of my soul. I’m still trying to figure this church and spirituality thing out. I’ll get there. And I accept my missing faith as part of some of the challenges that I faced this year. I’m thankful for my unsuspected semester away from school. It’s taught me how much I truly do value the opportunity to learn. It’s showed me the art of a real life adult hustle is more than I can handle right now. I have a greater respect for the people who roll out of bed every morning and go to a job that they hate. I did it for 3 months and hated it, it almost killed me. I cannot wait for this year to throw me head first into a classroom. I will be there. However, my time away from school allowed me to fall in love with reading and the smell of public libraries. I will continue to read as much as I can, whenever I can, because as English major that’s where I fall short, and my comma craziness.

As much as I hate dislike my life, I love it all the same.

If I hold out,

KD

GoodBye 2008. The Shorter Sweeter Version.

2008-12-30T09:49:00.000-08:00

I know that last one was kinda lenghty. Read it anyway or if your in a rush. Read this one. Its not as sad and its short…

Dear 2008,

You have gut punched me more than a 3rd grade bully. I’ve let you torment me for months and I’ve stood there taking it, pretending to be stronger than I am. You were relentless and persistent in trying to make me crumble. You damn near succeeded. You have broken me in places I never knew existed, poured salt in wounds I’m still desperate to close, and caused me to cry over things I didn’t know I cared about, but I AM HERE. Despite what you threw at me, despite my lack of faith, despite myself.

2008 I hate you now. 2008 I could hate you forever. I wish I could say I was sad to see you go, but I will gladly help you pack. You can take your extra day and these feelings of darkness and disappear, you will not be missed. I will always carry your memories. In this blog, in a photo album, but you will not be missed.

I will celebrate your departure with all my might. Yes! There will be music. There will de dancing. There will be drinks, and when I awake the next day you will be gone, and new possibilities will be here.

Thank you 2008, because you were so horrible 2009 has no choice but to be amazing.

With love,

KD

Real Soul Sunday On Tuesday…

2008-12-30T09:44:00.000-08:00

Just because I was hung over Sunday.

Enjoy,

KD

Question???

2008-12-29T09:52:00.000-08:00

How many times can you go out to a bar during the week before you are considered a lush????

Think about it….

Mr. Obama gets FLY…

2008-12-28T09:58:00.000-08:00

I did a post about Mrs. Obama’s inauguration attire. I had to do this one because I am all about the OBAMA’s and hot clothes, and parties

I’m really feeling the Sean John design. I’m not a fan of Diddy but I like the slick 30’s feel of it. I also love the black on charcoal. Yeah.

The countdown continues.

KD

Looks better from afar…

2008-12-28T09:53:00.000-08:00

So the cardigan I ordered for Christmas. It doesn’t look the same in person. It actually makes me look quite Lame…which isn’t the look I was going for. I was going for a hip hop Gatsby (because he was black). If you don’t know who Gatsby is look it up. Anyway. That’s my biggest problem with internet shopping, and I love internet shopping. I mean the sweater looks like the picture same color, but it looks much more modern in the pictures and thats just not the case. The cable knit is soooo Mr. Rodgers. I mean there isnt a lot that you can do with a cable knit sweater. Its meant for a more mature look, but mature late 20’s mature, not late 60’s. I guess I should know better. I had to order another cardigan because I want one and I can’t just wear that sweater becasue its here.. Its New Years Eve. Freshness is a must.

So this is the new sweater is purple. I’m not a big fan of purple. I think I wore it once to my uncles wedding back in 2005. I looked good it in, but I think I look good in everything. Sometimes. Anyway, I bought this cardigan from the same website and had to pay to have it Overnighted. 30.95…ain’t that some shit. I hope its worth it. There should be any surprises I wear LRG all the time, I know how thier clothes fit and the desing is pretty simple.

I did see a cardigan at Macy’s that I could wear but its hella expensive and I don’t have dough to throw around like that. I wish I did.

Speaking of dough. I finally got my paycheck and no longer have to deal with the crooked ass preacher. Amen!

I’m putting pictures of the new sweater below. I don’t know what I’m going to pair it with but….

Also, excuse the funny looking model with the weird mouth. He’s just really popular on the website that I shop from occasionally.

Fly as I wanna be,

KD

Though its been said, many times, many ways…

2008-12-25T10:07:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas
TO YOU!!!

From the bottom of my soul,

KD

Let me get my Scrooge on for a Second…

2008-12-24T10:05:00.000-08:00

I sent my Christmas wishes, now its time for me to complain…

As much as I absolutely love the holiday season I can’t remember one where I didn’t have the stankest of attitudes. This year will be no exception. I still haven’t been paid. The cardigan that I was so excited about getting is too short.

I hate being Tall.

If my torso was like 3 inches shorter I would be in love with the sweater, and one of the damn buttons fell off and I don’t have time to send it back and to get a new one by New Years.

Now I have to re-plan my NYE outfit…

Maybe tomorrow…When I’m around the little children and their good spirits I will be in a better mood. I’m praying.

I remember when Christmas use to hold a different excitement. Waiting around all day for the sun to sent, the oven to be warmed, cookies to be baked, and the thought of Santa’s white ass to give me my shit.

I was always bad at bed time. I can’t do anything when I’m anxious. I would lay in bed in the most unnatural positions so when my mom came to check on me I would appear to be sleeping. She never believed I was. I think the fake snoring noises tipped her off, but when midnight struck and she came back to let me know that Santa left….

I remember being wide eyed trying to scan for all the presents that I asked for and the ones that I didn’t. I loved it. I still do. I would fall asleep right in front of the tree, just incase Santa made a mistake, he wouldn’t be coming to take back shit. Once his fat ass left it, it was mine. No Questions asked.

I remember…

I’m trying to cling to these childhood memories of happier Christmas so that I don’t carry this bad ass Scrooge attitude that I have. I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s holiday day. Then part of me could care less.

Ugghhhh….Sorry for all these depressing ass post, but whatever. It’s my space. My soul. Deal.

That attitude isn’t really meant for you. I’m just bitter about being broke, but having money. FUCK THIS…

I’m going to finish my Gatorade and Vodka…

One more time,

Merry Christmas,

KD

Santa is good all the time…

2008-12-22T10:11:00.000-08:00

…and all the time Santa is good. (Please spare me any religious comments.)

Read back earlier post when I asked for a cashmere cardigan.

I GOT ONE, and its the most lovley christmas gift ever!

Don’t you just want to cuddle with it?

I do!

I will! As soon as it gets here in 3 to 5 business days.

Ain’t God good.

Now I have to find the perfect rest of an outfit (<—that makes sense) for NYE.

Any Suggestions???

KD

Real Soul Sunday...

2008-12-21T10:15:00.000-08:00

...The Christmas Edition

Act A N***A Part 2 (Trying to let go with Vodka)

2008-12-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

How could I lose if I did nothing wrong?

Why am I sitting here drowning my sorrows in vodka and whatever juice we have in this house broke?

This is not how I pictured my day. I just didn’t. I can’t believe such crooked people are allowed to run business, let alone school. I’ll home school my kids, people are going to blame me if they come out fucked up anyway, I might as well go for the fucking gold.

I know I wrote about this earlier and I thought I was done but…Sometimes its just to hard to be the bigger person and let things go. Sometimes you gotta hold on to that anger, just enough to keep you from crashing. That’s what I’m doing right now. This anger and the drinking are the only things keeping me afloat.

Good guys finish last. That’s how the saying goes, but I never pictured myself one of the good guys. I was always a step away from each. I like the grey areas. There is more room for error there. I just can’t understand how I got fucked over. Does the law not mean anything? I spent my entire day on the phone with the department of labor and all they can tell me that is that “Yes, what your boss is doing is wrong but there is nothing we can do at this point”…Bitch what are you good for. GET ME MY MONEY. When the law protects the criminal clergy and struggling college kids go broke, where is the justice? WHERE IS MY MONEY?

As much as I am upset about the money this is about principle. When you say you’re going to do something do it, especially when it comes to dealing with people’s money. No one works for fun. Well, I don’t. People need money. And they except to get paid accordingly, you can’t withhold my money because you don’t agree with how I submitted my resignation. I didn’t have to give you any notice what so ever and the same amount of money would still be owed to me.

I’m just beside myself and no one seems to understand my anger, my frustration, my need to drink, and be alone, and whine, and write. I just need to do this. It’s the only way all of this BULLSHIT will make some type of sense in the morning.

I’m more upset that I spent more than half my day at this very computer screen arguing with a crook…sorry I mean pastor. I want to past emails and school websites but it will do no good. I really want to bomb the fuck out of that place and watch his dreams crumble. I really want to wish the worst for him, and I know it’s not right but I can’t help it. When I’m angry these things happen and I refuse to apologize for them. So… I hope he gets AIDS and cancer for his wife, and that one of his sons are gay, and another gets hep c from using a dirty needle, I hope his little girls gets hit by a car, and I hope it happens all in the same week, so I can drive by the house laughing and throwing broken beer bottles at them…I don’t even care. At this point I don’t.

I’m tired of people fucking with me.

And in the middle of writing this I got this e-mail…

yo i heard pastor did you wrong, don’t take action you gone just have to wait and going to court will cost you alot more and you was right about JR talkin shit when you left (Excuse the spelling mistakes)

and I smiled.

I don’t know why, but I did.

I feel bad again. Maybe those kinds weren’t that bad. Maybe they were just lost. Hell, I’m still lost, in many ways I need to stop and stare. At what I don’t know, but something.

This day has been too long. Too stressful. My entire soul is tired.

Goodnight,

KD

Make me act a N****

2008-12-19T10:24:00.000-08:00

Yo…

Why is my boss trying to stick me for my money? Sorry Let me rephrase. Why is my boss not trying to pay me today, like he promised he would at the start of the week?

SOMEONE PLEASE IN FORM THIS NIGGA….

Don’t fuck with my money. Don’t do it!

backtrack…

I sent a letter to him earlier in the week saying when my last day would be. Last night all of a sudden, you are quick to accept my letter of resignation and say your going to mail my last two check to me…NIGGA NO YOU DON’T.

I didn’t mail you my fuckin services. I didn’t make you wait 3 to 5 business days for me to come in and teach and put up with a bunch of other unnecessary bullshit. GIVE ME MY FUCKING MONEY.

I WILL SNAP ON THIS OLD GEEZER. 4 MONTHS OF PENT UP ANGER AND BULLSHIT. I WILL GO THE FUCK OFF.

So, I nicley replied to his email and said some of the aforementiond details, minus the curse words. He replied

Payday is the 20th. I will mail your last two checks. Don’t come here.

I copied and pasted that from the email. NIGGA.

I know when pay day is, but I asked you in person eariler in the week if we would get paid on Friday becasue it was the start of your holiday break. YOU SAID WE WOULD.

WHERE DOES ALL THE FUCKING CONFUSION COME FROM.

AND THEN, YOU TELL ME NOT TO COME THERE.

SAVE YOUR BREATH. AS LONG AS YOU HAVE MY MONEY, I’LL SHOW UP WHEN EVER THE FUCK I LIKE AND WILL ACT A NIGGA IF I FEEL LIKE IT JUST BECASUE YOU HAVE INCONVIENCED ME.

DON’T PLAY WITH PEOPLE’S MONEY. ITS THE DAMN HOLIDAY SEASON. I HAVE BILL AND OTHER OBLIGATIONS THAT RESTED ON THE FACT THAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD PAY ME TODAY. PAY ME TODAY.

I’M SO READY TO FIGHT THIS OLD ASS MAN. YO…

THIS IS THE MOST SPITEFUL SHIT I’VE HEARD OF IN MY LIFE. AND HE HAS THE NEVER TO CALL HIMSELF A PASTOR. NIGGA!

LET ME SHOW UP THERE AND HE TRY NOT TO PAY ME.

IM PISSIN ON THE CARPET AND CALLING SOMEBODY ALL TYPES OF UNCHRISTIAN LIKE NAMES.

I DON’T PLAY GAMES.

NOT WITH MY MONEY.

NOT AT ALL.

IF I DON’T POST FOR A FEW DAYS AFTER THIS ITS BECAUSE I’VE BEEN LOCKED UP,

kd

Indian Giver

2008-12-18T10:25:00.000-08:00

Remember all the nice things I said about my kids the other day….I TAKE THAT SHIT BACK!

OH THESE RAT FACED SNOTTY NOSE PIMPLE RIDDLED FUCKERS.

I can’t take. NOT TODAY. I didn’t sleep well and I feel sick again, I will catch a care and plead guilty.

WHY ME????

Did I piss on someone in my former life? I’m just saying. Horrible job after horribler job!

I wonder… how many times I can ram one of their heads into a chalk board before they black out?

How many kicks to the abdomen before bruising starts? How many??

I should call up Mike Jack and R to the Kelly. Let them have a field day in this bitch. Candy Bars and Piss all day.

FUCK EM’

FUCK EM’

FUCK EM’

I’m a really nice person,

KD

Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail

2008-12-17T10:37:00.000-08:00

This time there is no debate to be had. I’m going to see this. MADEA is a muthaF**kin fool. I was a little disappointed with The Family that Preys and I went to see it despite my better judgments. Oh, but I know I will get a good cackle or 50 from this one even if there are 20 million interconnected story lines with 15 plot twist. If it’s half as funny as the play I will be going back to see it at least twice and cop the DVD when it’s released.

Support Black Movies and 6ft men in drag,

KD

A Serious Case of Mid-December’s Writers Block

2008-12-17T10:36:00.000-08:00

Friday’s my last day of work and I hate to say it, but it’s a bittersweet feeling. As much as I complained and wanted to shoot these kids in the face, I am going to miss them a tiny bit. Yesterday, I told them I wouldn’t be coming back after the holiday, and for the first time I actually made a real genuine connection with them. I didn’t see them as contributors to my misery. I saw them for what they were, young black men and women with their futures right before them as bright as they wanted to be; just like me in many ways. In that moment I knew that I had to leave them with something, something that would inspire them, that would keep me in their minds and possibly their hearts as they will forever be apart of mine. In the past 3 years they have went through several teachers and from the stories that have been repeated to me the reasons the other teachers left were similar to my own. That made me feel worse, I almost considered staying. I knew/know that I couldn’t, as much as I wish I could be here to teach them and help them the best I know how, I have to move on for my own good. If I was a little more giving, a little more self sacrificing I could have stayed just until the end of the semester, but I’m not there yet. On Friday when I leave here, I will be FREE, or FREER than I’ve felt in the past 5 months. Still, I want to leave them with something. I though about buying them all Christmas present but…nah! I sat and thought for a while. I came to the conclusion that I would write them a letter. A letter filled with advice and perspective, nothing preachy, just my honest outlook on the world and how much it has changed since I was in their shoes almost 5 years ago.

Now I’m having writers block. There is so much to say and to be said, but where do I begin. How do I relay this information to them? How do I make it short and sweet, Lasting and wise?

I need help I only have two days left.

Caring about the kids I want to kill,

KD

End of the Year Survey

2008-12-17T10:34:00.000-08:00

This is the only reason I miss Myspace. Anybody have a random survey that they want to send me.

Who’s the man or women that fucked you the best this year?

Well, action has been limited, and by limited I mean all the action I did get was horrible. Dry and gross like oatmeal.

What was the best album?

Ughhh ask me next year. I’m still trying to digest all this years music.

What trend was the wackest this year?

Skinny jeans, and big non-perscription classes. LET THE 80’s DIE.

Best song(s)?

Lion, Tigers, & Bears- Jazmine Sullivan,

IfULeave- Musiq Soulchild,

Chasing Pavement- Adele,

Gnarles Barkley- Going On,

Raheem Devaugh- Customer,

Annie Don’t Wear No Panties- Erykah Badu

Worst song?

Take a bow- Rhianan (THE WORST SONG EVER)

Who should we look out for in 09?

Umm… my return to Higher Education@!!! New Jobs. New Clothes. New Booty. New Me.

Sidebar, I fucking love the New Year. I just like the fact that every 365 I can restart (kinda), even if I can’t, it’s nice to think about it.

What was you most memorable moment in 08?

I went to Atlantic City for the first time. I drank a lot. I saw Jill and Chrisette and Raheem.

Did the recession effect you this year?

What??? YES. Trying finding a job or going to the grocery store and spending less than $40.

How do you think 09 will turnout?

Ummm…I’m not gonna jinx it, but Amazing

Did you do any illegal drugs this year?

What do you mean when you say “illegal drugs” because I have a nightly appointment with some Simply Sleep and that one time I got contact high on the way to that play.

What clothing line did you like best this year?

Artful Dodger and I’m always a fan of LRG, but I’ve been looking more high end even though I can’t afford it.

What website did you log on to the most this year?

Hands down tie between Facebook and wordpress

What blog besides your own did you log on the most?

CleverVixen.org (My wife) and Jia.Tv (cause I love me a sassy black chick.)

Best chronic strain of 08?

I’m so out of the loop. I guess …regular.

Best producer this year?

I going to say the best produces were all the hood rat baby momma of the world. They will be doing a reunion show on New Years Eve.

Cadillac Records {A Round of Applause}

2008-12-15T10:41:00.000-08:00

I finally buckled and went to see Cadillac Records. I made up my mind not to see it after I heard Beyonce was in it. I know that seems a bit haterish, but I believe that she is THE WORST ACTRESS EVER!!! I would be a real hater and list all her other flop performances but it’s not necessary.

Somewhere between me not wanting to go and me sitting in the Theater, I got lost and actually enjoyed the movie. I enjoyed the characters even more. So much that I came home and Goodled each and everyone; such complex and amazing black musician. A round of applause is in order for the actors that tackled this roles, I mean…they ate. They all deserve Oscar noms. Stand out performances definitely are…Columbus Short, Mos Def, and Jeffery Wright. I will give an honorable mention to Beyonce because she did do a much better job than past efforts, but how hard could it be to be a sassy sangin’ heroine addict. I’m just say that was one of those “insert black actress here” role, but she worked what she had. She still didn’t out shine her male counterparts. I only wish they kept the original songs with out trying to remake them. There is a simplicity to those original songs that sometimes gets lost when people remake them; maybe I’m just a fan of good ol’ soul music.

At work and hating it,

KD

Ramble: When Crushes Cross the Line…

2008-12-15T10:40:00.000-08:00

Last night I was having the dreaded only child conversation with my semi-new crush/fling or whatever you choose to call it. I got the same sigh and the pause where they start to think about all those negative only children qualities that they assume I have all in matter of seconds. It seems harmless, but I know how people’s perception of me changes very quickly right after the big reveal. I’m accustomed to it. I have my standard I’m not spoiled and I know how to share speech all prepared.

I remember during my freshman year of college I would lie and tell people that I had an older sister; which I do. So, it’s not a complete lie but I don’t know her that well and can count on one hand with 2 fingers left over how many times we’ve actually shared the same space. I can’t even tell you her birthday. I know that’s she’s maybe 10 to 12 years older than me, has a husband and two small children, and lives about 20 minuets away from me. That is the start and end of our relationship. I’m fine with that.

Ok, I decided to take the high road and tell my crush/fling/whatever the truth.

Me: Well, I do have a sister. I just don’t know her at all, so I tell people that I’m an only child.
Crush: that’s hella rude.
Me: how so?
Crush: If I had a sister, I would acknowledge her even if I didn’t know her.
Me: What’s the point? She could be the mail lady for all I really know.
Crush: well you should try to get to know her.
Me; Why? I would have time to get to know her if I wasn’t busy trying to get to know you.
Crush: maybe you like the idea of being an only child because it gives you a green light to be an asshole.
Me: Maybe….

Then there was another long drawn out pause, this time it was the one where everyone had an attitude but didn’t want to be the first to hang up. Thank God my best friend was on the other line.

I was upset and said crush/fling/whatever for a second because I was sharing which is a hard thing for me to do in the first place. I wasn’t asking for any advice on my relationship matters. Then I sat and thought (big mistake).

I wondered if denying my sister is my own selfish way of remaining an only child?

It couldn’t be. If I claimed her or not, I would still be my mother’s only child. I don’t get it.

I’ve always wished for siblings but not this way. I think about our age it would be impossible to start a relationship that should have been fostered since birth. I don’t feel responsible for her. Not the way I’ve seen other siblings do it, and I know each relationship is different but even so. We have no roots, no tree, hell we don’t even have dirt, just the same shared genes.

Was my crush right, should I invest in a relationship with my sister?

Or…

Was my crush/fling/whatever being a nosey asshole? Was my way ok because it was working for me? Should I just go on as I am?

I hate when people throw me off my game!

Still at work and hating it and confused,

KD

Holiday Spirit.

2008-12-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

Who knew John Legend could pull of something so soulful and tacky?

If this doesn’t make you laugh…Heaven help you.

Nutmeg!!!! lls

Oh Christmas,

KD

Real Soul Sunday

2008-12-14T10:43:00.000-08:00

Kindred The Family Soul…