Rape Vicitm

I don’t know what to say, I am speechless. Not really speechless. I could write volumes and about how not I’m feeling right now. I just wish I wasn’t here. I want to go somewhere that serves happiness as a happy hour special. I want to go to a place that puts consideration for others on a lavish ivory pedestal. I want to live in a world where days like these don’t exist, not even in horror stories. I want to be free from this hell that I call my life right now. Where will I find it? When will it come? I wish someone would tell me that true happiness lies with in. Then I would challenge them to take a look at my life for the past two months and find where I’ve hidden it. I sure can’t find it. I tried looking. Even told myself that I would stop looking for it and just start over. Build a new happiness starting with a fresh foundation. You know the whole happiness is a choice thing. Its not. I could wake up and say that today I will be happy, but even the happiest of people cry, and feel blue, and wonder why the sun shines. I know why the sun shines. It shines to mock me and my unhappiness. To remind me that somehow I don’t share in the warmth of the world. That I exist only in the cave that is the basement. I should rename myself Quasimodo. My posture is quite good. Still I feel like someone’s ugly stepchild. Discarded one night stand bastard baby. I wish there was a song or a poem that would wash this away. Maybe pills will help. Black people don’t get depressed. That’s what old black people say. Does that mean Im not black? I know I am. This skin is to black like I am the model for Crayola black crayons. I love that. I just didn’t think I could get depressed. I can never accurately identify my emotions, yet I know depression as soon as it shows up. It lingers like a rapist right before it finds its victim. Yes, I am getting rapped by depression. I am laying on a piss stained mattress watching myself get fucked over from a dark corner. Just watching and not running for hello. I want to scream. To fight back. But Why? For sanity or whatever that means.



water in my ceral,



KD